UNDOMED

Division Series Predictions

2010-10-05T20:34:00.007-05:00

I love predictions. I love making them I love reading other people's. I just love them. It's weird, if you think about it, because what's the point? Odds are you'll just end up looking stupid, because it's the future, dummy. You can't REALLY predict it. But whatever. I can't get enough, and if you can't either here are my ALDS and NLDS predictions:

Reds vs. Phillies

If the Reds don't win game one, I don't think they have any chance in this series. This may seem strange, because winning game one on the road against Roy "Doc" Halladay (one of my favorite nicknames in sports) seems like an impossible feat. However, Edinson Volquez is capable of shutting the Phillies down and if he can pull that off and give the Reds some momentum, the rest of the pitching could follow suit and carry the Reds into the NLCS. However, I think the Phillies starting pitching will prove to be too much. I just can't see Johnny Cueto and co. kicking their way out of this one. And luckily, if anyone tries, there will be a "Doc" on hand...

Phillies in four

Giants vs. Braves

The Braves are the sentimental choice because Bobby Cox is old and oddly shaped. (More sentimental for the old part.) This is understandable because who doesn't want to root for Bobby Cox? As annoying as seeing the Braves in the playoffs literally every year in the 90s and early 2000s was, the fact is they haven't been there for several years. Plus they have those awkward red uniforms so they seem like a completely different team. The problem? They are a completely different team, and they just aren't all that good. They can't stack up against a rotation like San Francisco. A rotation that is, ironically enough, reminiscent of (Maddux, Glavine, Smoltz).

Giants in four

Rangers vs Rays

This is a terrible matchup for the Rays. Sure they have homefield advantage, but where does that advantage come in if nobody shows up? Plus, the Rays best hitter has a bum quad, and I don't trust their starting pitching. If Lee shuts the Rays down in game one, I see a sweep. In a related story, I think Lee will shut the Rays down in game one.

Rangers in three

Twins vs. Yankees

I always get nervous making predictions for my team. I'm superstitious. I just feel like I'll jinx them or reverse jinx the Yankees or jinx a jinx that unjinxes a jinx...or something. At this point, nothing that happens in a Twins vs. Yankees series would surprise me, and I actually think this is a fairly even matchup. So with one gigantic knock on wood...

Twins in five

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

2010-09-29T12:31:00.002-05:00

First of all, clearly I have been gone for a very long time. Hell, most of my posts before I left weren't even about the Twins. Well, I've come to make another one of my inane claims that all that is about to change. Back to Twins only here. Consistency and readability of said posts TBD.

And if you want to read my other nonsensical ramblings of lunacy, you can find them here every Thursday at 8 pm eastern, 7 pm central. (I'm kidding, there's no specific time, jackass. You can read it all day. Or even a different day. Crazy, I know.)

Also, if you want to see me say things I will probably regret almost immediately, follow me on Twitter. Due to this whole multiple blogs thing, I changed my Twitter name, but I'm still obnoxiously and pointlessly tweeting.

Anyway, enough about me, on to some Twins thoughts.

1. Twins Awards

A couple of weeks ago, Seth Stohs of www.sethspeaks.net invited some bloggers to take place in a vote for some Twins awards. For reasons unbeknownst to me, he selected me as one of said bloggers. So I took part. If you haven't seen the results yet, you can check them out here. Or here.

I'm not going to run through everything, because I trust in your ability to use a mouse on the links above, but I would like to offer a few of my thoughts.

While I have no problem with Joe Mauer being chosen as MVP, and fluctuated between him and Delmon Young as my 1-2, I eventually settled on Svelte Delmon as my team MVP. For me, the vote came down to whose inconsistency was ultimately more beneficial to the Twins. And, while Young has been off-and-on all year, he literally carried the team during a time when nobody else was hitting. Plus I was hoping if he won, it would motivate him to "svelte up" again.

As for Mauer, he was terrible in the first half. And, yes, for Joe Mauer he was terrible. Obviously he has been hitting since, and you can very easily argue he has the best overall numbers on the team, but I can't get over that first half. Color me petty. Plus, when he started picking it up offensively, Young was still raking and Thome was hitting home runs in seemingly every at bat. Svelte Delmon literally carried the team at a point in the summer when nobody else was hitting. I believe he deserves recognition for that.

When it came to choosing a best pitcher, there were really only two choices: Francisco Liriano and Carl Pavano. And as much as I love Pavano's mustache, and as great as he's been, Liriano hasn't gotten nearly enough credit for being a legit ace. Which is exactly what he has been.

As for top rookie? There was no debate, and I actually considered voting for Danny Valencia three times. Kind of have to eat my words from this off-season on that one...

2. The Twins losing streak

There seems to be two schools of thought here: 1. Overreacting and 2. Overreacting to the overreacting.

The games are meaningless right now, and the Twins know that. Whether they want to admit it or not they're in cruise control. If Mauer, Thome, and Hardy don't return this weekend, and the Twins lose the first game of the playoffs 12-2, then I'm all for panicking. In fact, I'll be driving the panic train at that point, but until then, meh.

3. Tickets and Wordpress

Anyone else frustrated by the playoff ticket situation? I'm not a season ticket holder but I won the lottery and didn't end up with tickets because I got bounced around on the Twins website. There has to be a better system. At the very least, once you are out of the "virtual waiting room" and onto the actual ticket purchasing screen, you should be able to get tickets. Frustrating.

Lastly, I am considering switching to Wordpress and while I am generally incompetent as a person, I am even more incompetent when it comes to computers. Anyone have any helpful thoughts about this?

Random Twins Thoughts...

2010-06-20T21:20:00.000-05:00

...Dear Joe Mauer,

Please start hitting.

Love,
Eric

...Okay, so Mauer isn't having a bad year per se, but he needs to start doing at least one thing great, instead of just a few things well. He is still getting on base at a decent clip, and hitting over .300, but Joe you were just signed to be the franchise player. An MVP. The best hitter in baseball. You're basically a glorified Denard Span without any speed right now. Sure, Span is good, but you're getting paid $23 million, Joe (or will be soon at least). I'm not saying you need to do what you did last year, because that is impossible to replicate. But you need to start doing something.

...Remember when Drew Butera hit a home run? That was fun.

...Remember when Wilson Valdez hit two home runs? That was less fun.

...I went to the Twins game on Wednesday and bought standing room only seats. It actually wasn't all that bad. It got a little tiring towards the end of the game, and $22 is a bit overpriced, but it is nice to be able to choose exactly where you want to watch the game from. Plus I got a lot of joy out of making "what are all these people doing in our seats" jokes while walking around the concourse. Got A LOT of mileage out of that one.

...I don't find it all that disconcerting that Kevin Slowey and Nick Blackburn have had a couple of bad outings. Yes, it is annoying, but I think we should just come to expect it at this point. They can give you some decent games, and some absolutely awful games, and, on occasion, some very good games. That's why they are 4-5 guys in the rotation (maybe a 3 for Slowey, at best).

...Isn't baseball funny? The Twins looked like they were on the fast track to a horrible series against the Phillies after a game and a half. It had all the makings of one of those everybody-panic-because-our-team-is-about-to-get-crushed-in-a-three-game-June-sweep series. Then they took two out of three. Including one against Roy "Doc" Halladay. How bout that?

...By the way, I love the nickname "Doc." It's just simple and clever enough to work. What happened to the glory day of nicknames? I miss things like the "Big Unit."

...Remember when Jason Kubel sucked and everyone wanted him to die? (Maybe not die, but you get the point.) Yeah, he doesn't suck anymore ass holes.

...Michael Cuddyer isn't a bad player. Deal with it everyone.

...Brendan Harris is the most worthless played in baseball. I honestly believe he is the worst player in the league right now. What value does he bring? He can't hit. He can't field. He's slow. He's a Republican. I mean come on. The dude's got nothing going for him. At least Matt Tolbert is fast and Trevor Plouffe has a name conducive to "oooo-ing."

...Danny Valencia looks pretty awful at the plate. I know he is hitting fairly well right now, but that swing looks like a lumberjack trying to cut down a tree...Actually it looks like a lumberjack who is failing to cut down a tree because he doesn't know what he is doing. Point being, Valencia has a few holes in his swing.

...I know I am late on this, but on a scale from 1-10 how great is Pavano's mustache? Is there a number high enough to express how amazing that thing is? I mean it is breathtaking. Seriously breathtaking.

...Remember in Oakland when the Twins fielded an infield of Harris, Punto, Tolbert, and Valencia? My friend and I were trying to decide if that was the single worse infield the Twins have ever fielded in a given game. I say it was. I know the Twins have had some pretty terrible players in their history, but it is hard to imagine they ever had that many terrible players playing at the same time. I mean, when an infield leaves you longing for Jeff Reboulet, that really isn't a good sign.

...I want to close by saying I am going to start writing more often about the Twins. I will get back into doing these weekly random thoughts, and putting up at least one post during the week. So for the few people who have stuck with me, I say thank you.

Bus Girl

2010-06-19T21:20:00.004-05:00

I ride the same bus to and from work every day. (Quick digression: Yes, this is another completely random story about riding the bus. And yes, this is supposed to be a Twins blog -- more or less. And yes I haven't written about the Twins in a month or so. But I am going to change that. Soon. I swear. I have a plan. Granted, me having a plan is kind of like a drunk person having to take a piss. Sure, it is going to happen at some point, but nobody knows when, where, how long it will take, or how big a mess it will be. Point is, it will happen. More importantly I am going to write about the Twins tomorrow. True story. And yes I just compared my blog to a urinating drunkard.)

As I was saying, I ride the same bus to and from work every day. So it is only natural that I would begin to recognize the people who happen to enjoy the same daily bus routine as myself. And I have.

Now, I had never spoken to any of these people for two reasons: 1.0 because I am far more likely to grunt at or punch anyone who tries to speak to me at 7 in the am than I am to have a conversation. And 2.) I really just don't like people.

Basically, bus conversations? Not my cup of tea.

But, like I said, having a daily routine is going to lead to, if nothing else, recognizing bus faces. And, after the first month or so of riding the bus I began to realize that one of the girls who rides my bus also works in my office. Now seeing as how I am slow, it took me far longer to make this connection than it would the average gent, but eventually I pieced it together.

Again, I had never spoken to this girl before. Until this week.

As I was leaving work on Tuesday I ran into bus girl as I was getting on the elevator. So, being that I am at least semi-capable of pretending to be nice I say hi and introduce myself and she does the same. (Note: For the sake of anonymity -- and by that I mean I forgot her name -- I am going to to call her bus girl.)

So bus girl and I have the basic small-talk conversation you have with anyone you meet for the first time. I call it the "freshman talk." You know, that conversation you have with everyone as a freshman in college? "What's your name? Where are you from? What's your major?" Granted, the questions in the conversation change at different stages of your life, but the same principle applies.

So we continue to talk as we get to our bus stop, and all the while I am thinking, "oh shit, she better get on a different bus because I don't think I can sustain a conversation for another half hour." Yes, I am enough of a neurotic sad-sack that I was actually thinking that.

Well for reasons that are boring and involve a description of my bus route and its sub-bus routes, I lucked out and she did, in fact, get on a different bus. All-in-all our conversation probably lasted about ten minutes.

Now, flash forward to the following morning.

I am sitting in the back of the bus -- the normal morning perch for me. About halfway through the ride, per usual, bus girl hops on. However, per unusual, there are no seats on the bus and she is forced closer to the back, and with me being a notorious back-of-the-bus-sitter, and her being more akin to the front, I assumed there would be no interaction between us.

So as she is making her way down the aisle, I begin to race through the acknowledgment options in my head:

Option 1. Wave. I realized she wasn't going to make it all the way to me because of the number of people on the bus so waving seemed like semi-logical option. I quickly shot this idea down because waving is fucking awkward. Always. There is no such thing as a wave that isn't awkward.

Option 2. Ignore her. I've only talked to this chick once for ten minutes, so who cares? I mean, realistically, I have no reason to care if I associate with here in any way. This option, however, seemed rude.

Option 3. Smile and/or say "hi." A dangerous option, mind you, because a "hi" can quickly turn into a conversation and, quite frankly, grunting or punching her in the face would probably be even more awkward than the wave. However this option seemed most reasonable given the circumstances.

So there I am, mentally preparing myself for operation "hi smile" and I look over at bus girl and realize I am too late. I had already missed the eye contact window. (If you wondering, the eye contact window is that first 10-15 seconds when you see someone you recognize and you lock eyes to acknowledge you see one another. It is a pretty tight window though because if you try too hard you can quickly go from eye contact window to awkwardly staring. And nobody wants that.)

Well, once I realize that I have missed the eye contact window (probably because I was too busy trying to come up with fucking "acknowledgment options") I quickly switch gears and audible to option 4: pretend to play with my iPod (a derivation of option 2: ignore her, and a cousin of "pretend-to-play-with-your-phone when you see someone you don't want to talk to at work, school, or a box social").

This works swimmingly. The bus ride continues with us ignoring one another, and she gets off the bus enough before me that she was a half a block ahead of me walking to work, and reached the office well before I did, and we haven't spoken since.

I don't really have a point, but I would like to know what the etiquette is in this situation. Was there some better way to handle it? Probably. But I don't know what it is. I still say the smile and hi was the way to go. Unfortunately, it just didn't work out that way.

I guess the moral of the story is don't miss your eye contact window.

Miscommunication

2010-06-12T21:03:00.004-05:00

I'm a texter. It's a convenience thing, really. Well, that, and I'm not much of a talker. I don't know what my peers excuse for texting is, but that's mine and I am sticking to it.

We (Generation Y/Millenials/whatever-the-hell-they-are-calling-us-these-days) are built on communication through technology. Texting, emailing, tweeting, facebooking, blogging, skyping, and whatever other made up verbs you can think of. We're basically defined by our lack of verbal communication.

How simplistic. Right? We're just a bunch of bumbling baffoons who lack the ability to socially interact outside social media. Case closed.

As a person who is introverted, quiet, reserved, and quite simply uncomfortable around people I don't know well, I take umbrage to the fact that we are a generation of poor communicators. If someone like me prefers face-to-face interaction -- you know, actual conversation -- to texting, emailng, or tweeting (okay, well, maybe not tweeting because that is just downright enjoyable) then it's hard to imagine a more gregarious person would prefer the disconnect of communication without human interaction.

When you rely solely on texting or emailng as a form of communication, so much of what you say gets lost in translation. You obviously can't see or hear the other person, so all you are left with is words. And as much as I love the little guys, words alone aren't enough for a full slate of expression.

Without that full expression, there becomes a disconnect between you and the person receiving your message. Almost as if some of the words in the message dropout in the transmission process from inbox to inbox.

And because we are a generation defined by social media interaction, we are essentially a generation defined by disconnect. Ironic, because social media is basically defined as a way to stay conveniently connected. And it does, but on a completely cursory level.

When I think of the stereotype created from this disconnect, I think of a group of people who lacks creativity. A simplistic group of people that lacks ideas or original thoughts. Maybe that isn't how we are seen by other generations, but that is at least how it feels.

And, granted, sometimes we do over-utilized texting or emailing. I know I do at least. There have certainly been times where I have used texting or emailing too much as a way of communicating with someone. And it has resulted in disconnect.

At the same time, I don't feel like those quick texts or occasional over-reliance on technology should define me as a person. I do have thoughts, ideas, and emotions (yes, even ones that can't be expressed in emoticons.) I know that technology has both its strengths and its weaknesses. I know these things, and I try to utilize the technologies accordingly.

Sometimes I succeed at doing so, and sometimes I fail. But either way, the technology doesn't define who I am as a person. And it certainly doesn't define how I think.

Mistakes

2010-06-03T21:11:00.000-05:00

Think of the biggest mistake you have ever made. Ready...go...

...Okay, stop. Regardless of what you came up with, I know some mistake you have made(big or small) popped into your head. The fact is, we all make mistakes. Everyday. Several times a day.

Baseball, like life, is full of mistakes. Blown calls, missed ground balls, Matt Tolbert. There are mistakes everywhere you look on a baseball field.

Baseball, unlike any other sport, is built on uncertainties and ambiguities. Take, for example the place that a baseball game takes place. Sit back and run through as many random stadiums as you can in your head, and tell me how many of them look exactly alike.

Zero.

Wrigely Field. Fenway Park. Yankee Stadium. Target Field. Each stadium has its own dimensions, its own quirks, its own nuance. There are basic similarities, of course, but no two playing fields are identical. Now, take a football field, basketball court, or hockey rink. Not only are there no differences (besides color, or type of turf) these playing surfaces are almost completely identical to one another. You know exactly what you are getting if you go to one of these facilities, even if you have never been there before.

Baseball is just different.

Yes, it may sound old-fashioned and hokey, but the thing that makes baseball so great, so much different than any other sport are the mistakes. The imperfections. Baseball, like life, is imperfect. Out or safe. Fair or foul. The weird fucking hop from the ball hitting some strange object along the fence (a fence that is completely different than every other fence, might I add). Every second something happens in a baseball game, there is a chance for a mistake. Every split second decision could go right or wrong.

Sounds like everyday life to me.

There are almost no absolutes or certainties anywhere in life. Baseball is no different. One pitch, one inning, one game, things seem to be moving along perfectly, most of the plays going your way. Mistakes are made, but they are small. Then, out of nowhere, things begin to fall apart. An umpire calls a guy safe when he was clearly out, and suddenly things begin to unravel one pitch, one inning, one game at a time. All because of one mistake.

It is neither fair nor just, but it is life. It is having what you want taken away by one little fuck up.

There are things in life that we can control, but there are so many more things that are completely out of our hands. We can influence these things, yes, but it is rare that we can truly grasp them. Everyday brings uncertainty just like every pitch brings uncertainty.

But wait, you say, the uncertainties in baseball can become certainties. The mistakes can be fixed. The human element need not apply anymore. Instant reply can solve all the ills. Just look at football.

But football is not the same. It is never more than a game on a clock with a definitive conclusion. The mistakes are righted with the blow of a whistle and a quick video timeout. Take a break for a moment, the game will still be here when you get back. You'll fix the mistake, and the clock will start up and continue to run to it's conclusion. You know exactly when this game will end, because the clock tells you when it will end.

That's not life. That's a construct of certainties. It's a countdown to a conclusion. It's a safe little box that you cannot venture from. You know exactly what you are getting.

Life is living outside a box. There is no time limit. Sure, you will not live forever, but you don't know when it all will end. And there sure as hell is no video reply to right your wrongs. Good things happen. Bad things happen. But it is up to you to cherish the good, and attempt to find redemption for the bad.

That's life. And that's baseball. Nine innings may not be enough. A few mistakes will likely be made. But you cannot define what will go on between the first pitch, and the yet-to-be-determined last pitch. There will be good, and there will be bad but there will be no re-dos.

So call me a purist, an old-fashioned hack, or overzealous about a metaphor, but I would like to keep baseball the way it is. Just like I would like to keep life the way it is. The ups-and-downs are what define us, and I promise you there is no instant replay in creating that definition.

Think back to your mistakes one more time. Would your life really be better without? Different, yes. But better?

Sorry, but mistakes and imperfections make baseball beautiful and life worth living. Without them, you would be left with one, and only one, absolute: baseball and life would be pretty bland.

The Forgotten Superstar

2010-06-02T20:30:00.001-05:00

Remember 1997? Spice Girls. Titanic. The Simpsons (back when it was still good). And Ken Griffey Jr.

Ok, so maybe Griffey wasn’t a pop culture icon like Baby Spice, Leo, or Homer J(ay), but he was the unquestioned king of baseball.

He hit home runs. He made great plays. He smiled. He had fun playing. We had fun watching.

Griffey was the type of superstar professional sports yearn for. Yes, he was a little cocky with his home run strut, but what star athlete isn’t?

Griffey had a presence.

Fast forward 12 years and Griffey is no longer the player was. He is a shell of his former self, hitting .214 in partial duty, carrying a little extra weight on his once perfectly trim, athletic frame, and no longer making those Griffey signature plays.

One can justifiably argue that the Mariners made a poor choice bringing Griffey back, now in the Mays-like twilight of his career, but you can’t really blame them either. How do you say no to Ken Griffey Jr.? How do you turn him away? And more importantly, why would you want to?

It is in the best interest of the game of baseball to have Griffey around.

Not because Griffey sells tickets. He no longer does.

Not because Griffey will be breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record; a record, that Griffey once seemed destined for. He no longer will.

Not even because Griffey is a particularly productive player. He no longer is.

But because Ken Griffey Jr. is a symbol of what is right in baseball, when almost everything else seems to be going wrong.

Griffey, the once proud king of a baseball era soaked under a storm cloud of steroid suspicion, has remained dry. While Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens and countless others have faced acquisitions, congressional hearings, and perjury trials, Griffey has continued his career, devoid of suspicion.

While the sizes of McGwire, Sosa, and Bonds biceps, heads, and home run numbers grew, Griffey’s legs gave out. While the stats of McGwire, Sosa, and Bonds got better with age, Griffey’s began declining.

As sad as it is to see a superstar fade, there are few sights more comforting this day in age.

When Griffey first began his Major League career in 1989 he was already anointed “the chosen one.” He was a number one draft choice and the son of Major League player. He was a five tool player with a star attitude and star play. He was destined for greatness.

Griffey’s good-but-not-great rookie campaign was followed by a steady rise to the top. His batting average climbed. His power numbers climbed. His on base percentage climbed. He was on his way to being the best and most beloved player in the game.

Griffey’s breakout year came in 1993 at the age of 23. Where most 23 year old players – even top prospects – are either toiling away in the minors or just getting their break, Griffey was already in his fifth major league season, and ready to take over the league. His breakout year of 1993 featured 40 home runs, a .309 batting average, and an OPS of 1.025.

Over the next six years Griffey took over the baseball world. He became the most popular, and arguably best, player in the game. He did it all (including capture the adoration of a boy in Minnesota, who turned his bedroom into a Ken Griffey Jr. shrine).

Griffey was the best.

Following the 1999 season, however, everything changed. Griffey wanted out of Seattle. He demanded a trade, with a short list of acceptable destinations; number one being his hometown of Cincinnati.

Griffey made the move to a seemingly perfect situation: a smaller ballpark, in his hometown, on team that seemed ready to compete.

Griffey, however, faltered slightly in 2000 (although not as much as history may lead you to believe). He still hit 40 homers and drove in 100 runs, but it didn’t seem the same. Griffey was 30 years old, and with 12 big league season already behind him, seemed on the decline.

The next seven years in Cincinnati were disastrous. Griffey suffered through injury after injury; playing in more than 130 games only once – at the age of 37. The once great Griffey was reduced to an afterthought.

While Barry Bonds, the player Griffey was most compared to, was breaking records and performing at what seemed an impossible level for a man near 40, Griffey was nursing injuries, slowing down, and losing bat speed. Griffey was playing like an aging Major Leaguer.

He plodded along, never again reaching 40 home runs. Never making the playoffs (until a late season trade to the White Sox in 2008). Never playing like the superstar we all loved to watch in the nineties. The old Griffey was gone, and as sad as it was, it seemed oddly right.

So here we are in 2009. In a time when steroid scandals are commonplace and everyone tries to find the bad in baseball, Griffey represents the good.

We seem to forget he is fifth on the all time home run list with 630. We forget, because unlike the abusers before him, he isn’t getting better with age. He is taking the career path a superstar should. He is now the past-his-prime veteran, showing nothing but glimpses of his old self.

Griffey is lost in the steroid shuffle.

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I was at a Twins game this past season when Griffey hit a home run right into the center of a “hit it here to win $25,000 from Subway” sign – the first, and only, time a player hit said sign in the Metrodome. (Nobody won the $25,000 because apparently it didn’t count if an opposing player hit the sign, which is completely ridiculous. How cheap can Subway be? I mean come on. We weren’t eating fresh enough, or what?)

The home run was a special moment, because you could still see a glimpse of that sweet Griffey swing. So still and perfect, smooth like a perfectly mixed cocktail – the smooth crisp cola, with just enough whiskey kick.

Those moments are few and far between now, and I, like any good baseball fan should, will treasure them, because once Griffey is gone, it will close the book on an era.

Maybe it is fitting that Griffey is the last to go, since he is the one we should celebrate the most.

Griffey, the forgotten superstar, is the one we should remember, from an era we want to forget.

Answering the Unanswerable

2010-05-22T23:15:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have found myself spending a lot of time thinking, "what do I want?" You know, in a general "what-do-I-want-from-life" sort of way. For the most part, the answer to this ultra-ambiguous and pretentiously philosophical question has been, "shit, I have no idea."

Sometimes, the question is something simple, which leads to an actual answer. "Do I want a sandwich?" Why, yes, yes I do.

Sometimes the question is something complex like, "What are you going to do after you are done with your internship?" Which leads to the, "shit, I have no idea" answer.

Then, there is the third category of questions. The ones where I know the answer, and know what I want, but can't have what I want. This is, of course, one of the more troublesome conundrums of life. And one that everyone faces. Fairly often actually.

Take, for example, a friend of mine. (No this isn't one of those "friend" situations where I am actually talking about myself. This will become obvious in a moment because this example is so simplistic that I would have no reason to divert the attention from myself with that "I have a friend" crap. Point being, ignore this digression.) Anyway, my friend tells me that she has had an overwhelming urge to eat chocolate, ice cream, and possibly chocolate and ice cream simultaneously lately. The problem is, she is unable to eat chocolate and ice cream because she is on a strict no chocolate and ice cream (among other things) diet for health reasons.

The ironic thing is that, as she explained it, "I never really ate much ice cream before, but now that I can't have it, I really want some."

So what gives?

Is she just a crazy person? Well, possibly. But in this instance she is perfectly illustrating the point that human desires seem to be driven by things that we can't have.

Sometimes it is something small, like an ice cream cone. Sometimes it is something big, like a house. Sometimes it is a person (which, of course, is the first step to stalking. So just don't go overboard). Whatever the case may be, we become even more infatuated with our desires when they seem out of reach.

But why is this? Is it just some weird, "fuck you, you can't tell me what to do" mentality that all humans possess? That is certainly one explanation. I know that people trying to tell me what I can or cannot do is one of my pet peeves.

Realistically, there is no answer to why we want things that we can't have. I mean, if you ask Google, you get about a million different "answers" (most of them having to do with wanting to have sex with someone). Basically, everyone knows they want things they can't have, and everyone has an opinion on why they think they want things they can't have, but nobody can legitimately tell you why they want what they can't have.

The best explanation I can come up with, isn't really an explanation at all. See, the thing about humans is we are driven, at our core, by emotions. Not logic, but pure emotions. At the core of every decision is an emotional drive that may or may not be present beyond the subconscious. As much as we may want to think we can legitimize every decision or action with an explanation, there really is no way of doing so.

We become driven by wanting to answer the unanswerable.

The funny thing about that drive, is that in and of itself it is a desire for something we can't have.

People become so entranced by their desires that when they begin chasing after that person place or thing, and realize what they want is out of reach, they just want to know why. They were driven so wholly by their emotional desires, and the knowledge that what they want seemed to fit so perfectly, that when they can't have it, they just want to know why.

And that is an unanswerable question. Because even if they receive an answer that is logical, simple, and reasonable, it won't seem that way. It won't calm their emotions. Really, it won't seem like an answer at all.

They will still be left with their desires.

So, yes, maybe you can claim to have the answers. And, hell, you might even have a few. But in the end, you'll always be left wanting something. Because in the end, you will be left with unanswerable questions. Questions that will make you want the answer even more.

And like everyone, I have no answers. I can't really explain your desires to you. I can't tell you why you can't have what you want, and why that makes you want it even more. But I can, at the very least, tell you that I got through this entire post without saying "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."

Oh, damnit...

Week Six Random Thoughts...

2010-05-16T21:44:00.001-05:00

...I know I skipped week five. (Not just random thoughts-wise, but pretty much disappear-off-the-face-of-the-earth-wise. I'd make up an excuse, but that seems pointless. And I'm back now. So there.) Anyway, I would just like to point out that I went to the Twins vs. Orioles game last Thursday, you know, when they lost 2-0 and it was cold, rainy, and that damned kestrel made was inaugurated as the this-might-get-old random shtick of the season, and I still had fun. Baseball is meant to be played outside, even if it is 48.3 degrees out and raining.

...Two game series are ridiculous. I know they are rare, and caused by some anomaly in the scheduling, but there has to be a way to avoid them right? Give me some good old fashioned 3 or 4 game series, please. I'd make a point about the travel being a pain for the road team, but in this case the road team was the White Sox, so causing them pain is a good thing.

...Then again, the Twins have back-to-back two game series with Toronto and Boston coming up, so I'm going back to my original point: two game series blow.

...I'm going to go ahead and say it: I don't think Kevin Slowey is completely healthy. At the very least, based on the way he completely collapses after a few innings basically every start, it would appear he has some sort of fatigue issue. If I had to guess, his arm isn't completely back to full strength. I am basing this on complete armchair analysis, of course, but it seems to me that would be the most logical explanation for his struggles. Or maybe he just sucks, I don't know.

...I'm kidding, I don't think Slowey sucks.

...Between J.J. Hardy's triple-that-should've-been-a-walkoff and Morneau's-flyout-that-should've-been-a-homer, I'm beginning to get slightly frustrated with the way Target Field plays. I know it goes both ways, and it takes homers away from opponents as well, but a few bombs would be nice. I mean, the Hardy and Morneau shots were CRUSHED and didn't make it out. Plus, if this keeps up, Dick is going to freak out and start killing people once he gets fed up with overreacting to so many flyouts.

...Ugh. Matt Tolbert.

...How bout that Carl Pavano? Eh? I mean if he keeps pitching like this I might start feeling bad for making fun of his giant nose and squinty face.

...The Twins are the Yankees bitch.

...The Twins are the Yankees bitch.

...THE YANKEES ARE JASON KUBEL'S BITCH! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

...Alright, sorry.

...I will say, while I have no idea if the Twins actually had some weird Yankee Stadium retardation, that caused them to completely clench up, it is nice to see them actually win a game. Especially with Jason Kubel breaking out for one of his patented grand slams. I'd say this was a turning point for the season, but the Twins were already in first place with one of the best records in the league so...

...I would also like to note that, sadly, I missed Kubel's grand slam. I was frolicking around outside in the nice weather. That is my only beef with day games, by the way, I just don't like sitting inside when it is nice out. Now had I known klutch Kubel was going to show up...

...While losing 2 of 3 in any series is not good, things in New York could have been a lot worse. Especially after the A-rodian defeat on Friday. Chalk Saturday up to being just a bad game for the Twins (which will happen from time-to-time) and with the amazing win on Sunday, the Twins actually did pretty well for themselves. The Twins went punch-for-punch in exciting, inning-wins, and threw up one clunker. Certainly not an apocalyptic New York vacation.

...Lastly, I miss J.J. Hardy. Not because he is pretty (okay, partially because he is pretty) but because I am sick of Gardenhire playing Harris at shortstop instead of Punto. Ugh.

...Oh, and lastly, the TwinsCentric viewing party was a great, per usual. If you haven't made it out to one I highly recommend it, and it was great seeing everyone who was there. Oh, and if you need any more incentive, there were poop-jokes-a-plenty courtesy of Josh of Josh's Thoughts and Emily of Chatter From The Cheap Seats. Intrigued? Yes, yes you are.

Delmon Young Day

2010-05-12T20:18:00.004-05:00

To Delmon?

When Delmon Young makes solid contact. And I mean really solid contact. When he lines the sweet spot of his bat as perfectly as possible with the middle of the baseball, nobody on the Twins hits the ball harder. Nobody.

Not Joe Mauer. Not Justin Morneau. Not even former great Jason Tyner.

Nobody.

We saw glimpses of what Young is capable of in the second half of last season, especially down the stretch. Young's line in September/October? .340/.364/.544 with 4 home runs and 14 RBI.

Is this a big enough sample size when compared to the rest of his disappointing career? Of course not.

The odds are, Young hasn't turned some corner, and put up the same type of season he has every year of his career (he has actually been surprisingly consistent. Or at list consistently inconsistent.)

Are the stories about Young dropping 29 pounds in the offseason overblown? Of course they are, it is part of the whole "spring training stories game." Someone comes to camp in the best shape of his life, and suddenly it is all aboard the one-way train to career-yearsville.

With two years in a Twins uniform under his (now looser) belt, and one similar year with the Rays, the easiest thing to do is assume Young is what he is. We've seen enough, and we can peg Young as the guy who has a lot of talent, but will never live up to it because he can't grasp the "grip it and rip it" concept of hitting. That is to say, he thinks he is a scrappy singles hitter.

Somewhat ironically, the other easy thing to do is take all the good things we have seen in Young and say "this is the year he puts it together." People have said that every year since the Twins acquired him after all.

When the Twins first acquired Young, I was in the camp that loved the deal and felt -- having never really seen him play -- that he would, in fact, "put it together" and at least partially replace Torii Hunter's bat in the lineup. He was a highly touted prospect coming of a decent rookie season, after all.

When it quickly became apparent that someone had taught Young that taking a full hack at a baseball was inappropriate, and inside outing squirters to the right side of the infield was the best possible hitting approach, I gave up on Mr. Young. His stubborn refusal to adjust and realize that he is a power hitter whose batting average is irrelevant, didn't help matters.

So basically, since about May of 2008 I have been out on Young. I thought he would never get it together. When he showed signs of his talent, I scoffed at the apparent aberration.

Well, I am here to announce that I have changed my mind on Young. I'm going to be the one touting his potential this season. Not because he lost weight, or because he hit well for awhile last year, but because I actually believe he is finally ready to be a Major League Baseball player.

People forget that Young is, well, young. The dude is only 24. Have you ever met someone under 24? I mean, I know a fair number of people under the age of 24, and, quite frankly, I would be more shocked if any of them DIDN'T throw a baseball bat at someone than if they did. My point is, people under 25 are stupid. They just are.

I know what you are thinking, "someone plays the maturity card every year you sniveling jackass." And you're right, they do. And, yes, I am fairly snively.

The fact is, however, Young has proven time and time again that he has not made that jump in maturity. And, personally, I believe that everybody makes that leap at some point in their life. To varying degrees, yes, but at some point everybody's brain clicks and they start to actually figure shit out.

So why do I think it will be this year for Young? Well, OK, the weight loss does help. It shows a certain level of focus. But also, it just seems like it is time for him. He finally has an unquestioned starting job in left field, and little to no pressure on him. In fact, he and J.J. Hardy get to battle for "least amount of pressure on the roster" this year because nobody has high expectations for either, and they get to hit 7th and 8th in a lineup that includes Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Jason Kubel, and Michael Cuddyer.

Do I have some hard statistical evidence for why I think now is Young's time? Not really.

Call it a gut feeling, I suppose. (Or maybe a lack of gut feeling in Young's case.) All I know as I am sitting here on March 1st, I believe in Delmon Young.

I guess that is what the optimism of spring training does for you.

Or Not to Delmon?

Remember playing organized baseball as a little kid? You know, the days when everyone had to play in a game out of "fairness." It was annoying enough to be pitching on a team as a 12-year-old and you lose a game because the little bastards behind you can't make an f-ing play...um...sorry I digress.

My point is, sometimes it seems like Ron Gardenhire manages like he coaches a Little League team.

Yes, Major League players need to get playing time in order to get into a groove, but there is also such thing as "over-juggling." Not everybody gets a chance to play in every game. When there are 25 guys on the roster, some guys are going to play less. They just are.

It is hard to really complain when the Twins are 7-3, but the way Gardenhire has shuffled playing time between Delmon Young, Jim Thome, and Jason Kubel has been unnecessary.

Instead of having a set lineup, everyone is left to wonder which of the three will be playing on a given day. And for a lineup this good, that is not a question mark they need. These guys should have defined roles.

Take for example yesterday. Thome was in the lineup in favor of Young. On Jackie Robinson Day. I mean, come on now, that's just...well...um...actually I should probably stop before I piss Orlando Hudson off.

In all seriousness though, the Twins need to find a set lineup. Especially when you consider the fact that Young has been one of the Twins hottest hitters to start the year, and he is still trying to prove that he can live up to his talent. Until he begins to stumble, he should be in the lineup every day.

Like Young, Kubel, the Twins third best hitter, should be in the lineup every day. Pitching matchups be damned, Jason Kubel should not sit.

So what does this mean for Thome?

I'm not saying that Thome should NEVER play. But playing Thome for the sake of playing Thome is not why Jim Thome is around. He is a bat off the bench, and that is how he should be used.

Need a pinch-hit-for-Punto? Call big Jim.

Someone need a day off? Call big Jim.

The fact is, Thome can get plenty of at-bats without being detrimental to Kubel, Young, or anyone else. Between guys needing days off and pinch-hitting, Thome will get his at-bats. You don't need to find Thome at-bats, the at-bats will find him.

Having Thome on the team is a good thing, assuming he is utilized correctly. The fact is, however, that when you start inserting Thome in the lineup because he "needs at-bats" you are doing so at the detriment of other players, and often the team.

Only nine games into the season, it is hard to say the Twins have found their lineup routine yet, but at the rate they are going the lack of continuity could get out of hand.

The Twins need to set a day-to-day lineup, and allow Thome to slide into his rightful role: a slugger of the bench.

Week Four Random Thoughts...

2010-05-03T19:30:00.007-05:00

...Francisco Liriano is absolutely cruising. Obviously. The best thing we saw all week from Liriano wasn't his 8 shutout innings against the Tigers on Tuesday, but rather the way he didn't unravel after giving up 2 runs in the first inning against the Indians on Sunday. Last year, Liriano wouldn't have made it past the third inning in that game. So yes, shutouts are good, but confident Liriano who can overcome a little early game adversity is even better.

...Also, Liriano is underrated in the svelteness department. Yes, svelte Delmon (or Sveltemon, as I am now calling him) has rightfully gotten the svelte press, but Liriano's svelteness is far more important because svelte Liriano apparently = best pitcher in the league.

...And yes I just set a record for the use of the word "svelte."

...I'm not worried about Kubel...yet. As long as he keeps on smirking, he'll start hitting.

...Soo...Brad Thomas is still alive? Good for him.

...Scott Baker is a wiener. He just is. I feel like someone needs to get a switch (people still use those, right?) and give him a beating. Or at least threaten to give him a beating, I mean I'm not hear to advocate a switch beatin'. All I'm saying is the dude has no hootspa, testicular fortitude, etc. He's a good pitcher for the most part, but he's just a wiener and that is why nobody really trusts Scott in a big spot (see what I did there?).

...Scott Baker is what he is, by the way. He isn't an ace, he's just a good Major League pitcher.

...I'd say something about Jesse Crain, but why?

...The pat Neshek is disconcerting. Not the injury, but because I'm a little worried he is gonna go all Glen Perkins on us after the whole "please put me on the DL" thing. He doesn't seem as goobery as Perkins though so it doesn't seem like he would do that.

...Did it annoy anyone else when Gardenhire went with Crain in the 12th inning instead of Jon Rauch? Even when the Twins have a pretend closer, they still do a poor job of knowing when to use him.

...Mauer who?

...I feel kind of silly for saying the Twins are using Jim Thome too much considering, you know, he's been the best hitter out of the Sveltemon, Kubel, Thome group. I am now off the Sveltemon bandwagon and on the play Kubel and Thome as much as possible.

...I'm a sucker for seeing guys first Major Leauge hit. Especially when I jokingly say "Luke Hughes" is going deep, and then Luke Hughes does, in fact, go deep.

...I reference this every week, but, well, it continues to be an issue so I feel obligate to bring it up. The Twins little hitting with the bases loaded problem, while frustrating, isn't really a problem. They are hitting well as a team for the most part, and the fact that they can't hit with the basis loaded right now is just a weird flukey thing. For now at least.

...Did the Indians complete over-celebration blow anybody else's mind on Saturday? I realize you are the Indians, so winning is confusing, but still. You just beat the Twins by getting a hit off Jesse Crain with the bases loaded and nobody out. I know you waited until there were two outs to actually get the hit, but you were SUPPOSED to win there. Just sayin.

...It's kind of nice that the Twins finally lost a series since, you know, it was inevitable and now everyone can stop pretending that it wasn't.

...I would just like to say that the Twins ended April on pace to win about 104 games. I know there are some issues, but this is overall a good baseball team. Deal with it people.

...Lastly, J.J. Hardy? No longer pretty.

...No, just kidding, dude's still pretty.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

2010-04-29T21:30:00.001-05:00

Baseball isn't football.

Yes, football is perfect for the mainstream, no-attention-span, ignorant masses, who are driven by pre-packaged, commercialized instant-gratification. And, yes, there is nothing wrong with football, per se, it's a nice little diversion during the months there is no baseball, but it's just not the same.

There is no ebb and flow in a football season. There are only 16 games. You lose the first four, and you are probably fucked. It's simplistic.

Baseball, however, is not. It's a 162 game emotional decathlon: Anger, joy, frustration, confusion, shock, dismay, euphoria, hope, hopelessness and...I dunno...let's say whimsy.

If you allow yourself to be overcome with every little feeling you will never be able to make it through. You have to be able to rationalize, and put each little moment in perspective. Pragmatic passion.

And that's the thing about a baseball season, you can't judge everything (or almost anything, really) on one game. One inning. One pitch. One at-bat. You can't do it, because a team with 100 wins loses 62 times. A hitter with a .300 batting average, gets out 70% of the time. And a guy as pretty as J.J. Hardy gets shot down at the bar...okay bad example. But you get my point.

Baseball is about choosing your team and sticking by them through the thick (Jose Mijares) and thin (Drew Butera's batting average) of an entire season. You can't bail out at the first sign of trouble, and you can't condemn them after a two-game losing streak.

Baseball is about patience and the ability to apply yourself to something without needing that instant, fleeting gratification. There is no clock to tell you when the game is over. There is no countdown to the conclusion. It goes on until somebody wins, and until somebody loses.

And somebody will lose.

And the team that loses, regardless of who they are, will lose, and lose a lot.

Maybe pragmatism has little place in the life a sports fan. Maybe it's silly to advocate for pragmatic passion, because, really, how can passion ever be pragmatic? How you feel at a given moment is how you feel, and trying to put everything in perspective one minute, one hour, or even one day after that moment can be next to impossible.

But it's when you allow yourself to be overcome those little moments that you lose sight of the big picture. Everything becomes jaded and you become sucked into negative spiral. You live and die with each little moment and become jaded by the insecurities that one failed step bring, and lose sight of the bigger, grand scheme of the entire season.

It's only one at bat, one pitch, one game after all.

Week Three Random Thoughts...

2010-04-27T18:16:00.001-05:00

...Delmon Young may be svelte these days, but the dude still looks awkward as hell trying to catch a fly ball. Also, I think he needs a nickname and I am leaning towards calling him Sveltemon. Who is with me?

...Everyone who is complaining about the Twins issues with RISP needs to calm down. Yeah, the Twins are struggling at times right now, but they are also winning. Take the Tuesday game against Cleveland, for example. The Twins won 5-1 and all their runs basically came on walks, errors, and wild pitches. The offense on this team is far too good to struggle like this all year. If the Twins are winning when they aren't hitting well, just imagine what they can do when they are hitting well.

...Having said that, it does get frustrating when Twins continually load the bases and fail to come through. Of course, the Twins are also one of the best teams in baseball right now so...

...Mike Redmond? Still slow.

...Working sixish blocks away from Target Field may be the greatest thing ever. I ate lunch on Target Plaza everyday this week. I defy you to find a better place to take your lunch break. (Or a better place to have Bill Smith randomly walk by you.)

...I thoroughly enjoy the quirky right field fence at Target Field. I enjoy when the ball hits things. What can I say? Color me simple.

...Drew Butera is not the spawn of Satan. Just thought everyone should know that. (Unless, of course, Sal is Satan but I doubt that for some reason.)

...I wake up everyday at like 5 am. This wouldn't be a problem if my alarm wasn't set for 6 am. Of course, when I wake up at five I always think to myself "well now at least I get to lay here for an hour and I enjoy laying in bed in the morning." Except then I fall asleep and walk up again at like 5:40. At which point I think "well at least I get to lay here for half an hour and I enjoy laying in bed in the morning." Then my alarm goes off at 6:04 and I hit snooze because I set my snooze for the exact reason of giving myself nine minutes to lay in bed in the morning because, well, you know. Except then when my alarm goes off for the last time I think to myself, "well shit, now I actually have to get up." I'm not sure what my point is, and this obviously has nothing to do with baseball, it just kind of annoys me.

...If Franciscso Liriano can continue to pitch the way he does, the Twins are a legitimate World Series contender. Yeah the team has issues, but every team does, and few teams can throw out a Liriano. You know, assuming Liriano is Liriano and not Liriano. Think about that one.

...This was both shorter (and later) than I ever intended, but it was my Birthday on Sunday. So there.

...Oh, and J.J. hardy is still pretty.

Week Two Random Thoughts...

2010-04-18T18:54:00.000-05:00

This is my new Sunday feature. A roundup of random thoughts from the week that was in Twins baseball. And if you are thinking "wait, isn't this is just a cop out so you have one less day to worry about trying to come up with a blog post?" Well, to that, I have no comment.

...I must say the constant overreaction in the Twitterverse is getting kind of annoying. Can't I just enjoy some post game Tweets in peace? Look, I get annoyed when the Twins don't play well too, but one loss to the Royals isn't the end of the world. This isn't the NBA. The best team doesn't always win. If the 1927 Yankees played the 2010 Royals 100 times, the Royals would probably win 25 of those games. That's what makes baseball so great. Anything can happen. One loss doesn't mean the wheels are coming off, it just means the Twins lost.

...I always enjoy the fake DL stints. Much like Glen Perkins last year, Jose Mijares has been placed on the DL because, well, because he sucks. Although, personally I think if you're going to make up a fake injury for Mijares can't you say he pulled a muscle eating a sandwich or something? Or hell, just put him DL under "fat."

...J.J. Hardy? Still pretty.

...This pretty much goes without saying, but Target Field is amazing. Stunning. The only place I have been that even kind of compares is Petco Park. Although, I will say, the Twins need to do something about the scoreboard situation. I want to know what the hell is going on even when I am sitting under the scoreboard. There are screens in the right field wall for a reason. I guess I'm still just bitter that I missed kiss cam.

...My favorite part about Target Field? Other teams fans can no longer make fun of us for our team playing in a shit hole.

Quick story: When I went to Milwaukee with some friends (four? five?) years ago, I rolled down the window the first time we were pulling up to Miller Park and yelled at the Brewers fans, and I quote, "Your stadium is more worser than ours!" Why did I yell this? Beacuse I loathe Miller Park. And also because I am retarded apparently. I'm not even sure what I was actually trying to yell, but for whatever reason it came out as "more worser than." Yes, I was completely sober. I still can't explain it. Of course, this is the same trip where we passed a billboard for some amusement park called "A-Merick-A-Land" which I read phonetically instead of as "Americaland." I still get made fun of for this. Although, I stand by the fact that technically I read the sign correctly.

...Having everyone wear number 42 on Jackie Robinson Day is a cool, fun idea. Having the Royals wear number 42 the following day is not.

...After 13 games I think it is safe to say this Twins lineup could be one of the most exciting the Twins have ever had. They take walks, and rarely get themselves out. Yeah they have struggled with RISP at times, but for a lineup this good that is just an aberration.

...I like that the Twins and the city of Minneapolis are erecting (giggle) statues around the city, but that Joe Mauer statue is ridiculously ugly.

...I am still trying to come to grips with the fact that I am confident anyone in the lineup not named Punto can get a hit at any time. I mean as hard as it is to top Jose Morales at DH and all...

...I'm curious what the defensive metrics for J.J. Hardy and Orlando Hudson show so far this year. I know the preseason perception was that both guys were slipping, but both have been sure-handed and shown very good range so far this season.

...Okay, yes, Jesse Crain had an absolutely awful week, but I, for one, still believe he can have a decent season. I refuse to give up hope that it will become completely rational for me to arbitrarily yell, "THE CRAIN TRAIN IS BACK ON TRACK!"

...Can we all pause for a moment and revel in fact that the Twins have won every series they have played so far? And, aside from the Royals, they dispatched the four teams who many people would argue were the front runners in their division. This Twins team is good.

...Billy Butler has to be the slowest guy in baseball. And, yes, I am taking Mike Redmond into account.

...Target Field is playing big. There have been some balls that look like they have been crushed, that are caught fairly easily by the outfielders. It is still early, and balls tend to carry better mid-summer as the weather gets warmer, but so far Target Field seems like a pitcher park. (Well for everyone but Crain at least.)

...And with that, I will leave you with Francisco Liriano's first pitch at Target Field. Just cuz:

Juggling the Lineup

2010-04-16T19:04:00.004-05:00

Remember playing organized baseball as a little kid? You know, the days when everyone had to play in a game out of "fairness." It was annoying enough to be pitching on a team as a 12-year-old and you lose a game because the little bastards behind you can't make an f-ing play...um...sorry I digress.

My point is, sometimes it seems like Ron Gardenhire manages like he coaches a Little League team.

Yes, Major League players need to get playing time in order to get into a groove, but there is also such thing as "over-juggling." Not everybody gets a chance to play in every game. When there are 25 guys on the roster, some guys are going to play less. They just are.

It is hard to really complain when the Twins are 7-3, but the way Gardenhire has shuffled playing time between Delmon Young, Jim Thome, and Jason Kubel has been unnecessary.

Instead of having a set lineup, everyone is left to wonder which of the three will be playing on a given day. And for a lineup this good, that is not a question mark they need. These guys should have defined roles.

Take for example yesterday. Thome was in the lineup in favor of Young. On Jackie Robinson Day. I mean, come on now, that's just...well...um...actually I should probably stop before I piss Orlando Hudson off.

In all seriousness though, the Twins need to find a set lineup. Especially when you consider the fact that Young has been one of the Twins hottest hitters to start the year, and he is still trying to prove that he can live up to his talent. Until he begins to stumble, he should be in the lineup every day.

Like Young, Kubel, the Twins third best hitter, should be in the lineup every day. Pitching matchups be damned, Jason Kubel should not sit.

So what does this mean for Thome?

I'm not saying that Thome should NEVER play. But playing Thome for the sake of playing Thome is not why Jim Thome is around. He is a bat off the bench, and that is how he should be used.

Need a pinch-hit-for-Punto? Call big Jim.

Someone need a day off? Call big Jim.

The fact is, Thome can get plenty of at-bats without being detrimental to Kubel, Young, or anyone else. Between guys needing days off and pinch-hitting, Thome will get his at-bats. You don't need to find Thome at-bats, the at-bats will find him.

Having Thome on the team is a good thing, assuming he is utilized correctly. The fact is, however, that when you start inserting Thome in the lineup because he "needs at-bats" you are doing so at the detriment of other players, and often the team.

Only nine games into the season, it is hard to say the Twins have found their lineup routine yet, but at the rate they are going the lack of continuity could get out of hand.

The Twins need to set a day-to-day lineup, and allow Thome to slide into his rightful role: a slugger of the bench.

Stranger On A Bus

2010-04-10T22:00:00.000-05:00

I was waiting for the bus yesterday and there was a man leaning against the wall of a building smoking a cigar. I inhaled several deep breaths of the obnoxiously crisp spring air, and noticed that this man's cigar smelled oddly like pot. I looked over again and, yes, he was in fact smoking a cigar (a nasty Swisher Sweets to be more specific). So why the hell did it smell so much like pot?

After several moments of probably-not-as-discreet-as-I'd-like people watching, I caught on to this guys gimmick: he had a very small blunt in one hand, and a cigar in the other. He was smoking pot and attempting to mask the scent with his cigar.

For someone who has never smoked, nor had any interest in smoking, pot this fascinated me to no end. I was awestruck. And I began to realize that my fascination had nothing to do with each hit he took, but rather that this man was the epitome of everything that enthralls me about riding public transportation.

Yes, the bus. The place where the greatest people watching of all takes place. A cornucopia of bobbing heads on a conveyor-belt of daily monotony.

There is nothing that puts people on an even playing field quite like public transportation. In one seat you have the young-"proffesional" making minimum wage as an intern, and the next you have the middle-aged man making minimum wage as a burger flipper.

In one seat you have the college sophomore who spends too much time worrying about inevitable trivialities, and in the next you have the 55-year-old woman who has gone back to school fully aware that trivialities aren't worth a second thought.

The bus is a social experiment -- like the Real World, just with slightly less booze and sex. Well, less sex at least.

When you look around at all these people on the bus, you realize each one has a story to tell. Each one started some place. Each one has a past, a present, and a future. In the most simplistic sense, everyone on the bus is exactly the same, but completely different.

Take the dual-wielding smoker, for example. Where did he come from?

I spent an inordinate amount of time studying this man, for the both the obviously fascinating is that man blatantly smoking pot in downtown Minneapolis? reason, and because he highlighted the unique characterization of a bus rider.

Here is a guy leaning against a wall, probably somewhere in his 30s, openly representing something most people would never want to be: a dual smoking bus rider. Not exactly the epitome of the American Dream.

As I sit thinking about this random man I will most likely will never see again (and wouldn't recognize if I did) I can't help but wonder about his life. I mean, he really can't be that much different than you or I. He has most likely spent his whole life doing many of the same things as everyone else:

Chasing a job. Chasing a girl. Chasing something that seems out of reach (likely a job or a girl).

Or maybe just chasing the bus.

Whatever the case may be, it is undeniable that this man, like all bus riders, has an interesting story to tell. And the most interesting thing may be that this bus riding pot smoker's story, is actually completely ordinary.

And that is exactly what the bus does. It brings together the most eclectic group of people possible and shows them how similar they really are.

Random Opening Week Thoughts...

2010-04-07T19:36:00.006-05:00

...Jose Mijares is doneski. Look, I'm not one to advocate overreacting after one or two games, but we're talking about a guy who has done nothing but suck since about August of last year. I swear every time he pitches I just assume the chunker is going to give up a home run. Plus, I swear I saw him devouring a small child the other day. My predictions look pretty good right about now.

...J.J. Hardy is pretty. Just sayin.

...Scott Baker is a good pitcher, but not a great pitcher. This really has nothing to with his opening start, but rather his track record as a guy who throws a lot of pitches and struggles to pitch deep into games against quality lineups. Sure he'll pitch some excellent games, and overall he is a good pitcher. He just isn't great. And he will never appear on the ace list.

...I can't decide if I thoroughly enjoy the Twins road uniforms, or thoroughly hate them. I couldn't possibly be more torn.

...Brendan Harris may very well be the most worthless player on the Twins roster. The Twins don't need a slightly less bad hitter batting ninth with the lineup they have. Punto should play everyday because his glove certainly makes up for his nine-hole bat.

...Jon Rauch is an enjoyable closer because, you know, he has a neck tattoo, but I still think Jesse Crain could be solid in the role. Then again, maybe I just want to be able to indiscriminately yell, "THE CRAIN TRAIN IS BACK ON TRACK!" without sounding like a crazy person.

...Maybe letting Garrett Jones leave wasn't the best idea...

...It's going to be a long, frustrating season if Jason Kubel sits every time Jim Thome plays. I know Del-Money is svelte now, but come on Gardy.

...I defy you to name a team with a more adorabley bromantic group of hitters than the Twins and the J's: Justin Morneau, Joe Mauer, and J.J. Hardy. Oh, and I suppose you can throw Jason Kubel and his smirk in there. And Jim Thome. Basically any "J" other than Jose Mijares.

...I want to see a game in cold weather, because I get the feeling that Orlando Hudson would wear an inordinate amount of clothing.

...Speaking of O-Dawg, my friend informed me that there are shirzees (T-shirt jerseys) that say O-Dawg on the back instead of Hudson. If you buy one of these, kindly wander into oncoming traffic immediately.

...Color me spiteful, but I have tickets to the Thursday game at Target Field so I am kind of hoping the first two games get rained out turning that game into the Home Opener. Also, I think it would be funny to see all the people who paid $200 for tickets get screwed over. Really, I am just bitter that I'm ticketless.

...Lastly, and most importantly, baseball is back!

2010 Predictions

2010-03-31T20:20:00.014-05:00

Twins-Specific Predictions

Twins MVP: Jason Kubel
Twins Top Pitcher: Kevin Slowey
Twins Best Rookie: Anthony Slama
Twins Most Improved Player: Francisco Liriano

Bold Predictions:

1. Jesse Crain leads the team in saves.
2. Jason Kubel has a better season offensively than Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer.
3. Jose Mijares isn't on the roster at the end of the year (oh, and he eats a small child).

A.L. Central Prediction (Standings):

1. Minnesota Twins
2. Chicago White Sox
3. Detroit Tigers
4. Kansas City Royals
5. Cleveland Indians

Three Keys to Success for the Twins:

1. Liriano rebounds from awful 2009
2. Someone steps up at closer.
3. Ron Gardenhire doesn't manage the bullpen like a guy who just did 6 consecutive 30 second keg stands.

Rest of the League Predictions
AL EAST
1. New York Yankees
2. Boston Red Sox
3. Tampa Bay Rays
4. Baltimore Orioles
5. Toronto Blue Jays

AL WEST
1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
2. Texas Rangers
3. Seattle Mariners
4. Oakland Athletics

NL CENTRAL
1. St. Louis Cardinals
2. Cincinnati Reds
3. Milwaukee Brewers
4. Chicago Cubs
5. Houston Astros
6. Pittsburgh Pirates

NL EAST
1. Florida Marlins
2. Philadelphia Phillies
3. Atlanta Braves
4. Washington Nationals
5. New York Mets

NL WEST
1. Colorado Rockies
2. Arizona Diamondbacks
3. Los Angeles Dodgers
4. San Francisco Giants
5. San Diego Padres

A.L. MVP: Josh Hamilton
N.L. MVP: Hanley Ramirez
A.L. Cy Young: Jon Lester
N.L. Cy Young: Josh Johnson
A.L. Rookie of the Year: Desmond Jennings
N.L. Rookie of the Year: Jason Heyward
A.L. Comeback Player of the Year: Francisco Liriano
N.L. Comeback Player of the Year: Troy Glaus
World Series Prediction: Twins over Rockies

The Backup Catcher

2010-03-30T19:39:00.002-05:00

Who should be the Twins backup catcher?

Ah, glad you asked, since this seems to be a surprisingly hot button issue for something that is so, you know, irrelevant. I mean, the Twins still have the best catcher in baseball. So let's be honest, the Twins could put one of those screens that bounces the ball back to you (you know, the ones that everyone had as a kid) behind the plate and it probably wouldn't cost them any games.

Is that legal?

Irrelevant.

Soooo...the Twins backup catcher should be a pitch back?

Well, no. My point is, the Twins could bring back Derek Parks as their backup catcher and it wouldn't really cost them any wins. Having said that, Wilson Ramos is clearly the most talented option.

Ok, so Ramos should be the backup?

Again, no.

WHAT THE HELL MAN? JUST ANSWER THE F'ING QUESTION!

Well, see, now you are just overreacting. Everyone seems to be overreacting. We're talking about the backup catcher here. It's not like the season is going to hinge on who gets 24 at bats before Jose Morales and his strangely off-kilter teeth come back to flail around while trying to catch popups behind home plate. I guess my point is, if the Twins season comes down to who their backup catcher is, they are going to have bigger things to worry about. And while Ramos is clearly the "best" player the Twins could have backing up Mauer, there is absolutely no reason to have him sit on the bench and play once every 10 days. It doesn't make sense. I mean, there are really only two options for Ramos: 1. Change positions. 2. Traded. That's it. He is stuck behind the BEST CATCHER IN BASEBALL. Oh, and they also just signed that very same strapping gent to an 8 year contract. So basically, if the Twins are going to trade Ramos they are far better off sending him to AAA so he can sock a few dingers and show other teams what he is made of. And if they decide to move him to another position, well then he needs to do so in the minors. In a nutshell, having Drew "don't call me Sal" Butera on the roster is better for everyone. Especially Butera, because he can, you know, pretend he is talented.

What? Sorry I stopped listening.

Oh never mind, it's not important.

Baseball Dreams

2010-03-27T15:17:00.003-05:00

My random Friday post comes on Saturday this week. I know, my bad. At least I didn't skip it like last week. Anyway,I wrote this about a year ago. Technically it is a speech I gave for a public speaking class, so while you are reading it picture me standing uncomfortably at the front of classroom of people if you want the true effect.

I grew up on a baseball field. A dusty diamond of endless dreams. In the confines of those two white lines, on bases ninety feet apart, I was lost in my own little world. Anything was possible on the baseball field; where time stands still and hopes and dreams are limitless.

Every summer day was exactly the same. Baseball. Soaked in sunshine or drenched in rain, it didn’t matter. There was a game to play.

The players were made up of eight neighborhood kids: me, my two brothers, and five of our friends - the core group that played everyday. And don’t get me wrong, it was every day. Eight players though, was just the minimum. Each day would see a constant merry-go-round of kids that would come in out of our game. Strangers, friends of friends, anyone could play. That cast of characters changed, but the eight never did.

The field itself wasn’t much to look at. The weeds nearly overtook the infield dirt, and the outfield grass was borderline grass at best. It was really nothing more than a diamond shaped dirt patch sprouting a sky high chain link backstop. The field was snuggled into a quaint little park in our middle class neighborhood, but was the type of the place the city was too busy to properly upkeep.

Although to us, it was Yankee stadium, and it was all ours. Our sanctuary of endless possibility.

The games would last for hours. Time never mattered. When you are a kid you have all the time in the world. The score? Who cares? The inning? Doesn’t matter. Ball four? No way, I’m not taking a walk. Time to come home for dinner? Alright, alright I’m coming.

It really was The Sandlot – well, minus the beast. We were a throwback to the days of old, when kids went outside and played. While other kids were inside with Mario and Luigi, we were outside laughing, running, cussing, spitting – playing. We were having fun and dreaming big. Nothing else in the world mattered.

People say nothing is perfect, and yet, everything back then was. We had no cares.

And yes, there was conflict, but it always got resolved. That was part of the process; learning to deal with one another. Only once did that conflict escalate.

My friend Joel was on the mound and I was at the plate. Joel was kind of the trouble maker of the group. Although, I was a cocky prick in my own right, so we tended to butt heads. During this particular game, for reasons that were not clear then, and are even less clear years later, we were having a spat. Joel took offense to something I said (although it couldn’t have been that bad, after all I was seven). He then planted what, to a seven year old, seemed a blazing fastball in my ribs. I charged at him with blind rage, my eyes burning with hate, ready to destroy. At a dead sprint I wound up and swung a mighty right hook. Everyone else rushed to the mound trying to decide if they should encourage, or stop, the fight. It didn’t take long before the question was answered for them.

Blood.

Never before had our games seen blood. But I had done it. Ended the fight with one mighty swing. That’s right, all it took was one punch and the fight was over. The loser lay dejectedly on the ground.

That loser was me.

I had slipped on the dirt and cut up my arm. Yep, in my rage I both started, and ended, the fight. I had beaten myself up. The worst part was I had to go home to bandage up my arm so the game was over, at least for me.

But I was back out as soon as my wound (and ego) healed. Come the next day none of us even remembered, or cared, what the fight was about in the first place. Petty squabbles never mattered. There was baseball to be played.

That’s how it is as a kid, you don’t waste time worrying. Nothing really matters but having fun and dreaming big.

As we get older we tend to lose our childlike perspective on the world. I guess it’s inevitable. Now, we spend our days worrying about grades, finding a job, and trying to avoid homelessness in a floundering economy. Life seems to change from a childhood of hopes and dreams, to an adulthood of cynicism and concern.

But, as I think back to myself as a little boy in the confines of those two white lines, on bases ninety feet apart, I remind myself that life can be simple, and worrying gets you nowhere. I remember how important it is to be carefree. How important it is to dream.

What is life, after all, without a dream?

The Final Roster Spot

2010-03-25T18:16:00.005-05:00

Remember opening day 2002 in Kansas City? On the surface, it was just any other beginning to a season. It brought the same luster and promise that the beginning of any new season brings.

Another year of baseball had arrived, and win or lose, there is nothing better than those 162 days of summer.

2002 brought extra promise because 2001 had featured the first winning Twins team since John Smiley toed the rubber and Chili Davis was still cool. (Back when we thought he was just a guy with a cool name instead of, you know, a wife beater.)

So while we thought there might be something special about 2002 before a batter had even stepped to the plate, we knew there was something special about 2002 as soon as the first batter crossed home plated and slapped hands with Cristian Guzman.

The batter was Jacque Jones and he had just finished yanking the second pitch of the season over the right field fence for a patented leadoff home run.

That’s one of those random home runs, and one of those random moments in general, that I will never forget, because it was at that exact moment that I was 100% certain 2002 would be a special year for the Twins. They weren’t just a silly aberration, but a legitimate baseball team.

2002 is, of course, a long time ago, and Jones isn’t nearly the player he was back then. And as he continues to suit up in Spring Training for his Minnesota homecoming, looking back on the nostalgia of years past does nobody any good in evaluating Jones’s current value to the Twins.

I mean we’re talking about a guy who played with the Newark Bears last year (with immortal teammates such as Shawn Chacon and Jay Gibbons).

I will be the first person to admit that I am a sentimental son of a bitch, and I am a sucker for random veteran signings, so bringing Jones in intrigued me from the beginning. I never thought he was a legitimate candidate for, well, almost anything, but I still thought, “hey, that’s fun” when the Twins signed him.

Sure, the question at the time was, “wait, why did the Twins just sign Jacque Jones?”
But it was still fun to consider the thought of him making the team.

Well, with one week of Spring Training left, the question has shifted from, “wait, why did the Twins just sign Jacque Jones?” to “wait, why aren’t the Twins playing Jacque Jones in centerfield?”

It has been well documented that the Twins don’t have anyone to back up Denard Span. And while I love getting denarded as much as the next guy, we all know that having guys play 162 games a year isn’t how the Twins roll.

Call me crazy, but I don’t really want to see Michael Cuddyer prowling center field, well, ever.

So far this spring, the only names that have been considered for the backup centerfield role are Matt Tolbert and Alexi Casilla. And, of course the aforementioned Cuddyer, who would shift over from right to patrol the center of Target Field on Span's off days.

The most frustrating part is that Jones has been playing well this spring. Yes, he is getting older, but at one point the Twins were debating whether Jones or Torii Hunter would be their centerfielder. I just find it hard to believe Jones doesn't have better range than Cuddyer. (Although he certainly doesn't have a better arm. If I had a nickel for every time Jones made a throw from rightfield that basically went straight into the ground...)

Look, I know that Casilla is out of options, and he still has some value (supposedly) so losing him to waivers isn't preferable, but isn't the goal fielding the best team? is having Alexi Casilla on the bench hitting .205 while trying to play a position he's never played before really the best option? The dude looks lost playing infield, and he's always played there.

Color me skeptical about Casilla mastering a new position.

And Tolbert? Really? Do I even need to say anything or can we all just simultaneously laugh and move on?

The fact is, Jones is the only hitter who has earned the last spot on the bench. The Twins need someone who can play centerfield occasionally, and, surprise, Jones is an outfielder. It seems so simple.

I know you can say, "but Jones can go down to AAA and Casilla can stay with the club. Jones will always be there to fall back." But I say, what has Casilla done to earn a spot on this roster?

He seems lazy and disinterested, and hit well for a couple of months two years ago. He plays terrible defense and does things that makes us all scream, "wait, what the fuck is he doing?" At this point, any talent he showed in the past has been overshadowed by his consistent inconsistencies.

I, for one, am ready to cut ties with Casilla. The first step to that process is giving Jones a chance to slide into centefielder and answer the question of who fills the final roster spot?

Quick Thoughts on Joe Mauer

2010-03-22T21:30:00.003-05:00

I really have only one thing that I want to address, and that is the nay-sayers. The people who are claiming that the Joe Mauer contract is going to lead cellar-dwelling-A-Rod-with-the-Rangers situation.

It won't.

Teams can operate with a large contract if they build their team in a wise and largely internal way; which, coincidentally is the epitome of how the Twins do business. Yes, Mauer will take up a sizable portion of the payroll, but we are talking about the single most important athlete in Minnesota history. Bar none.

Considering the fact that Mauer will be making about $11 million per year more than he is this year, his contract doesn't actually change the Twins payroll that dramatically. When you account for inevitable rise in payroll from the inevitable rise in revenue, that $11 million gap shrinks pretty damn fast. The fact is, the Twins are going to continue to have more money to put into the team.

In a nutshell, the payroll was going to rise into the $100 million range regardless, people.

As long as the Twins can continue to surround Mauer with quality, young affordable talent (something they have been doing for ten years) the payroll won't be an issue. The only difference is, the Twins actually have a legitimate superstar to go with the talented, affordable group of young scrappers they cultivate.

I guess the point is, everyone who is complaining about the Twins locking up one of the best players in baseball, needs to stop living in the past. And as long as the Twins continue to spend smart, spending will hardly be an issue.

The 12 Man Pitching Staff

2010-03-18T21:15:00.003-05:00

I wrote this about a year ago for another site, but it summarizes something I have been pondering lately. I wanted to write something better on the subject, but, well, sometimes you just have to re-run things (aka, I'm lazy).

There has been a disturbing trend in Major League Baseball the last few years: The structure of teams pitching staffs.

We are long removed from the days of four man pitching rotations, and guys pitching up to 300 innings. This isn't automatically a bad thing; however, it is disturbing how many teams are shying away from an 11 man pitching staff and moving towards 12 or 13 man staffs.

And they are doing it in the name of “protection.”

Not to go all Bert-tastic on you, but this is absurd. Pitches aren't becoming bigger pansys, they are just being brought up in a culture that breeds lower pitch counts, with plenty of bullpen help to fallback on.

The problem with this situation is that there just aren't enough quality arms for every team to have seven or eight solid options out of the bullpen. Instead of having five starting pitchers who are trained to pitch seven innings on a given night, there are five starting pitchers who are trained to pitch 5-7 innings – assuming they can get that far on in 100 pitches. That can leave up to four innings to get through with relief pitchers. Couple this with the fact that most relievers are trained to only go one inning, sometimes even less (see Reyes, Denys) and your pitching deep pitching staff turns shallow very quickly.

The fundamental flaw with this thinking is that it's a lot harder for a relief pitcher to warm up, throw 25 pitches, sit down, and try and do that again the next day then an already warm starter to throw 125 pitchces. And this is where the change needs to take place.

The pitching staff needs to be set up as follows:

Five starters: Trained not by pitch counts, but to make it through seven innings. This won't always work, but I'm not advocating demolishing the bullpen, just tweaking it.

Closer: Trained to pitch 1 – 3 innings. If you need this guy for a two inning, or even three inning save, he should be able to do that. Why leave the best reliever on the bench during the most important time in the game? And sometimes that comes in the 8th inning.

Setup: This could be a lefty or righty, but is essentially your "number two closer." He's the guy you are most confident in getting some outs in the seventh or eighth inning on days when you don't want to overwork your closer. Guys would still need some rest.

Middle relievers: One lefty, and one righty. These are the guys would come in on days when your starter struggles; or, if they pitched a stressful five or six innings (a lot of baserunners, tough situations, etc.) you can go to one of these guys in the sixth or seventh. These guys would also be available for specific righty-righty, or lefty-lefty matchups.

Long reliever: The one "mop-up" guy. There will be days when your starting pitcher just doesn't have it. That happens. If your starter gets lit up like Glen Perkins, you need another option. Now, this doesn't mean you necessarily pull a guy after two innings and five runs, but sometimes even Tim Lincecum pitches like crap. Pitchers need to have some resiliency, but if your starter is having one of those days where he can’t get anyone out, you need someone to come in and pitch.

That would equate to five starters and five relievers and, if a team chooses, you could add in an extra lefty just in case you want both a lefty and right setup guy. The key, of course, to all this working is rethinking how starting staffs operate.

It would not take that long to change the mentality of a starting pitcher. Once an arm is warmed up, there isn't a big difference between throwing 100 pitches and 125 pitches. Often times, that is the difference between going five or six innings, or going seven innings. If teams rethink how they train pitchers in the minor leagues, it would add depth to the roster at the Major League leve.

The way it is now, teams complain about the lack of pitching. The fact is, however, that the problem isn't too little pitching, it is too much pitching. If you train your quality pitchers to pitch more innings, it will alleviate the concerns of an untrustworthy, and overworked, bullpen.

Leave Liriano Be

2010-03-16T20:08:00.003-05:00

The only thing more ridiculous than moving Francisco Liriano to closer is thinking that Carlos Silva's four shutout innings today for the Cubs isn't an aberration. And, let's be honest, that is pretty damn ridiculous.

Liriano is most valuable to the Twins as a starter. He proved his maximum worth in 2006, and while that level of success will be nearly impossible to replicate, if Liriano can pitch anywhere near that level, he will be a legitimate number one starter.

And number one starters? Slightly more valuable than closers.

While it is true that Liriano has the skill set that could translate into being a very good closer, that skill set is much more valuable to the Twins pitching six or seven innings instead of one. Closers can be found, but a potential ace doesn't come around very often.

The biggest problem with making Liriano the closer, is that doing so must be done on the basis that he is back to pitching up (or at least close) to his full potential, because if he isn't, Liriano as a closer would be a disaster. And who, in their right mind, can justifiably say that Liriano at full form is more valuable as a closer than a starter?

Other than maybe the crack head who was arrested on my bus this morning (true story) nobody would possibly make that argument.

I don't want to say closers are a dime a dozen, but consider for a second where Joe Nathan came from. He had never closed a game in his life, and while he was coming off a solid season with the Giants, there was very little to suggest that he would become one of the most dominant closers in the league.

Yes, it is impossible to expect the Twins to catch Nathan-lightening in a bottle with whoever they decide to put in the role, but they can find someone to do the job without screwing with Liriano. Hell, even Latroy Hawkins had 11 saves last year.

The fact is, closers can be made. Number one starters cannot.

While it is impossible to claim Liriano will become an ace again, it is far more beneficial to the Twins to let him try.

Contract Binge

2010-03-14T20:17:00.004-05:00

The Twins have been dishing out so many contracts lately that I am half expecting Bill Smith to call me up to say that I just received a 4 year $13 million deal wrapping me up through my arbitration years; assuring me financial and job security most people only dream of.

I can just imagine the internet lighting up: "Wait, what? The Twins signed that douchey guy with a made up word as the title for his blog to a long term contract? And I thought the Blackburn deal was ridiculous..."

Point being, the Twins are pretty much giving everybody a contract these days.

With the signing of Denard Span to a 5 yr/$16.5 million deal, the Twins added to a list of core players with modest contracts that also includes Jason Kubel, Scott Baker, and Nick Blackburn. When coupled with the larger contracts of Justin Morneau, Michael Cuddyer, and the pitcher formerly known as closer, the Twins get a pretty good idea of where they stand financially the next few seasons.

Aside from Nathan, who may never again pitch for the Twins, that list of players makes for a fairly substantial chunk of a fairly successful team.

While it is easy to look at Span and Blackburn deals and think to yourself, "WTF dawg? Dude's are still arbed and under control for the next few years regardless, so why you gettin so frisky?" I look at it and think, "Your financial foresight is impeccable."

The Twins are in a situation now where they can pull out their ledger (I like to think Bill Smith has keeps track of contracts in a big leather ledger scribbled via ink and quill, but maybe that's just me) and feel fairly comfortable with their financial forecast.

Like any forecast, there are no certainties with any player or any contract. And the concerns voiced over some of Blackburn's inconsistencies in particular are understandable, but there is also something to be said for having a financial plan.

In locking up Blackburn, the Twins now have two starting pitchers who have proven at one point or another they can be quality starters (at the Major League Level) signed to long-term deals. The other being Scott Baker.

Basically what this means for the Twins, is they know that Baker and Blackburn will be penciled in as their two and four starters for the next few seasons. And when you consider the relatively modest amount the team is paying for their services, it is pretty comforting to know you have 40% of the rotation under control, and exactly exactly how much that control costs.

Similarly, Span's contract takes him through the rest of his arbitration years (with an option for his first year of free agency). And, like Blackburn and Baker, the Twins are paying for the comfort of knowing Span will be penciled in as their leadoff hitter for the next five years, and the exact amount those years will cost the team.

There is something to be said for that level of comfort.

And that comfort comes from both the known commodity on the field, as well as the financial stability off it. Signing guys through their arbitration years allows the Twins to control the player's contracts, rather than allowing their contracts to control the Twins.

Building an complete baseball team is about putting pieces together, and doing it in a way that allows flexibility to add more pieces to the puzzle. And that is exactly what the Twins are doing.

The foresight allows the Twins to look a few years ahead and know how much money they have to play with. A concept that is even more important as we all wait patiently (or not) for the contract that shall not be named.

Podcastin'

2010-03-10T18:41:00.003-06:00

Ever wanted to hear the sweet, sultry tones of my undeniably sexy voice?

I know what you are thinking, "Of course, who doesn't?"

Well I am here to tell you you are in luck. I will be joining Fanatic Jack and Topper Anton on their weekly "Twins Talk" podcast tonight (show starts at 9 pm).

There is about a 4% chance that I will be interesting, but I am sure the other two will be so you should check it out.

And if you can't check it out live, you can always download the podcast and/or listen to it later. So, really, you have no excuse not to tune it.

Spring Training Rundown

2010-03-08T19:28:00.006-06:00

1. Nick Blackburn

The Twins have been getting slaughtered in the blogosphere for giving Blackburn a longterm contract. While I can agree with the argument that in many ways it makes more sense to go year-by-year with Blackburn, why exactly is this deal such a bad thing?

Is Blackburn a great pitcher? Ok, no.

Is Blackburn a good pitcher? Well, I'll go with goodish.

The fact is, consistent starting pitching is hard to find, even if that pitcher is consistently a 3-4 starter. I know Blackburn's peripheral numbers point to some inevitable epic falloff, but the dude has been unfailingly consistent the last two seasons. Hell, he basically had the exact same stat line in 2008 and 2009. And, color me old school, but I like the "big game pitcher" niche he has carved out. Is it technically irrelevant to his stat line? Well yes. But there is still something comforting about the title.

I understand and accept the fact that Blackburn doesn't strike anyone out, but at some point you have to just accept a player for who they are. Blackburn is a solid starter, and penciling him in somewhere in the middle of the Twins rotation for the next four (or five) years at an average salary of $3.5 million per year, is fine with me.

2. Joe Nathan

First of all, Nathan is a 35-year-old pitcher coming off elbow surgery, so the fact that he has some discomfort in that elbow shouldn't be all that surprising. It's probably nothing. (UPDATE: By "probably nothing" I meant "definitely something." Amazing how fast things become dated, eh?)

Having said that, closers are kind of like running backs. At some point, they just hit the wall. Sometimes their decline can be attributed to injuries, sometimes it can be attributed to age, and sometimes, well, they just show up one day and suck (see Tomlinson, Ladainian).

Point being, regardless of injury, I think this is the year that Nathan hits the wall. I am basing this not on deep-rooted statistical analysis, but simply a random gut feeling. Irrelevant? Completely.

Oh sure, I could make an argument about how Nathan started tailing off at the end of last season, but he tailed off at the end of 2008 too. And that didn't seem to matter for most of 2009.

So, while it would have been more impressive if I had made this call a week ago, I'm saying that, regardless of injury, Joe Nathan won't be the Twins closer at the end of 2010.

3. Joe Mauer

I was going to write something reassuring here about how Mauer will sign, but fuck it. I'm not going to acknowledge the situation until he actually signs (and he will). And even then, I'll probably just post a giant picture of a smiley face or something, because really, what else is there left to say?

State of Flux

2010-03-04T20:01:00.005-06:00

A friend of mine texted me the other day to inform me he had just found a job. Exciting news, obviously. Like me, he is a recent college graduate (even moreso since he graduated in December and I graduated in May) who had been meddling through the post-graduation "now what?" phase.

While leaving the ranks of the jobless, parental basement dweller is clearly a cause for celebration, my friend said something interesting in referring to his employmental-conquest. While explaining the perks of his new job, he informed me that once you have worked for a few years and have established yourself in the company, you can set your own hours, which, in his words, "will be nice when I have kids."

Excuse me?

What?

Kids?

Did I pass out halfway through this conversation and wake up ten years later?

Here is a 23-year-old guy who just wiggled into his first "real" job, and is pretty much resigned to the fact that, "hey, this is the beginning of the rest of my life." Anyone else see a problem with that? How is that the mentality that our society has cultivated?

Granted, maybe it is unfair to assume that isn't what some people want. Maybe people want to get through college, grab a job, grab a wife, bang out some kids (no pun intended), and creep up the job ranks. And I suppose I shouldn't question that. If that is what someone really wants at age 23, then rock on.

For me, however, the idea of even committing to a "real" job seems unfathomable. Yes, I am out of college, so apparently that means "real life" has begun, but I guess I just don't have any interest in the lifestyle model I outlined above. At least not at age 22.

Oh, sure, I am employed at the moment, but I like where I am at because there isn't a sense of permanence for a minimum wage making intern (which is essentially just code for "I have no responsibilities here whatsoever").

And, sure, my internship is great experience for the future, but that doesn't mean the future has to arrive tomorrow. I in no way feel like I am "grown up." In fact, I feel like I am stuck in some sort of weird post-college flux period where I am not really a functioning adult member of society, but I am not really a college kid either -- which only bothers me because I am pretty sure I just compared my life to "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman" by Britney Spears.

Regardless, there seems to be an unjust societal pressure to convince college grads to fear any sense of flux. To basically say, "graduate and and get your shit together."

Or, more specifically, "Go to grad school or get a job, otherwise you're fucked."

Hmm...decisions, decisions: Grad school, job, or fucked...huh. Well...um...I guess I'll get a job.

Maybe I am delusional, but to me this ideology is detrimental. How can anybody reasonably justify that someone at age 22 or 23 NEEDS to immediately reconcile the rest of their life if they want to have any shot at being remotely successful? Where is the logic in that?

You're going to tell me that we get 22 years (the latter of which -- when we are supposed to be really making decisions -- are spent in a drunken stupor) to plan the rest of our life? 22 years to decide the next 50? What? Come again? In what possible way does that way of thinking even remotely resemble logic?

I don't know, maybe I am naive. Maybe I am, in fact, fucking myself by not having a plan, but I just don't believe that is the case.

Do I have goals and aspirations? Yes I do. But what I don't have, is a blueprint for the rest of my days. And I don't want one. I take comfort in the unknown. As I sit here, and consider the concept of having my entire life planned out, and knowing my daily routine, I become increasingly uncomfortable.

I don't want to want to fall into black hole of complacency, wake up 30 years later, and realize my entire life just passed me by. And that is precisely why I am, for now, completely comfortable in my state of flux.

The Franchise

2010-03-03T20:59:00.002-06:00

Francisco Liriano was the best pitcher in baseball in 2006. Unquestionably. Sure, he didn't do it for a full season, because, you know, he threw almost exclusively 90 MPH sliders which tends to be hard on the old cannon.

The fact is, in 2006 when Liriano was on the mound, every game was an event. You didn't skip a Liriano start because you never knew what you might see. 20 strikeouts? Maybe. Flailing hitters looking like idiots? Certainly. Perfect game? Sure, why not.

Point is, Liriano was not only an ace in 2006, he was a once in a lifetime ace.

Flash forward to March 3, 2010. On the eve of the Twins first spring training game, Liriano is nearly an afterthought. Sure, there has been some rumbling lately due to his winter ball resurgence, but the reality is he right now Liriano is simply fighting for the fifth spot in the rotation.

After Tommy John surgery stole all of 2007 from Liriano and forced a rebuilding 2008, many fans had high hopes for 2009. When he showed a few signs of life in late 2008 (although nothing near his 2006 form) and unconfirmed reports about winter league dominance began to surface that offseason, fans began to believe the "Franchise" was back.

Then 2009 happened. Liriano was awful. Absolutely awful.

Between pitching poorly and putting too much pressure on himself, the man who seemed invincible in 2006 turned into, without a doubt, the worst pitcher in the Twins rotation. He lacked everything he once had.

Watching Liriano pitch in 2009, was worse than listening to Glen Perkins speak.

The point is, Liriano needs to turn the corner in 2010. It isn't fair to expect him to become the pitcher of 2006, but it wouldn't be fair to expect that even if he had never gotten hurt. If, however, he can reach into the same stratosphere as is 2006 performance, the Twins will go from being good to great.

It is kind of ironic that in some ways this is the most important season of Liriano's career, and yet he has almost no pressure on him. Nobody expects anything out of Liriano after his dismal 2009. Yet, if he fails, and has a repeat performance his career is basically over. Oh, he may continue to pitch, but certainly not effectively.

I for one, am jumping right back on the Liriano bandwagon. Guzzling down his kool-aid. The dude is coming back, and coming back big this year.

My reasoning has nothing to do with his stat line in the winter league, mind you. Yeah it was a beautiful stat line, but more importantly, after actually watching him pitch, he looked more like the Liriano of old.

He was slimmed down, looser, more relaxed. It looked like, for the first time since 2006 he was just letting it rip. And, while the cynic might say it is easy to do that facing Alexi Casilla and company in meaningless games, I say whatevs.

Even last year, Liriano's problem was confidence, not talent. The talent was always there. And now, it appears, he has that old swagger to go with it.

The Constant Question Mark

2010-03-01T20:27:00.008-06:00

When Delmon Young makes solid contact. And I mean really solid contact. When he lines the sweet spot of his bat as perfectly as possible with the middle of the baseball, nobody on the Twins hits the ball harder. Nobody.

Not Joe Mauer. Not Justin Morneau. Not even former great Jason Tyner.

Nobody.

We saw glimpses of what Young is capable of in the second half of last season, especially down the stretch. Young's line in September/October? .340/.364/.544 with 4 home runs and 14 RBI.

Is this a big enough sample size when compared to the rest of his disappointing career? Of course not.

The odds are, Young hasn't turned some corner, and put up the same type of season he has every year of his career (he has actually been surprisingly consistent. Or at list consistently inconsistent.)

Are the stories about Young dropping 29 pounds in the offseason overblown? Of course they are, it is part of the whole "spring training stories game." Someone comes to camp in the best shape of his life, and suddenly it is all aboard the one-way train to career-yearsville.

With two years in a Twins uniform under his (now looser) belt, and one similar year with the Rays, the easiest thing to do is assume Young is what he is. We've seen enough, and we can peg Young as the guy who has a lot of talent, but will never live up to it because he can't grasp the "grip it and rip it" concept of hitting. That is to say, he thinks he is a scrappy singles hitter.

Somewhat ironically, the other easy thing to do is take all the good things we have seen in Young and say "this is the year he puts it together." People have said that every year since the Twins acquired him after all.

When the Twins first acquired Young, I was in the camp that loved the deal and felt -- having never really seen him play -- that he would, in fact, "put it together" and at least partially replace Torii Hunter's bat in the lineup. He was a highly touted prospect coming of a decent rookie season, after all.

When it quickly became apparent that someone had taught Young that taking a full hack at a baseball was inappropriate, and inside outing squirters to the right side of the infield was the best possible hitting approach, I gave up on Mr. Young. His stubborn refusal to adjust and realize that he is a power hitter whose batting average is irrelevant, didn't help matters.

So basically, since about May of 2008 I have been out on Young. I thought he would never get it together. When he showed signs of his talent, I scoffed at the apparent aberration.

Well, I am here to announce that I have changed my mind on Young. I'm going to be the one touting his potential this season. Not because he lost weight, or because he hit well for awhile last year, but because I actually believe he is finally ready to be a Major League Baseball player.

People forget that Young is, well, young. The dude is only 24. Have you ever met someone under 24? I mean, I know a fair number of people under the age of 24, and, quite frankly, I would be more shocked if any of them DIDN'T throw a baseball bat at someone than if they did. My point is, people under 25 are stupid. They just are.

I know what you are thinking, "someone plays the maturity card every year you sniveling jackass." And you're right, they do. And, yes, I am fairly snively.

The fact is, however, Young has proven time and time again that he has not made that jump in maturity. And, personally, I believe that everybody makes that leap at some point in their life. To varying degrees, yes, but at some point everybody's brain clicks and they start to actually figure shit out.

So why do I think it will be this year for Young? Well, OK, the weight loss does help. It shows a certain level of focus. But also, it just seems like it is time for him. He finally has an unquestioned starting job in left field, and little to no pressure on him. In fact, he and J.J. Hardy get to battle for "least amount of pressure on the roster" this year because nobody has high expectations for either, and they get to hit 7th and 8th in a lineup that includes Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Jason Kubel, and Michael Cuddyer.

Do I have some hard statistical evidence for why I think now is Young's time? Not really.

Call it a gut feeling, I suppose. (Or maybe a lack of gut feeling in Young's case.) All I know as I am sitting here on March 1st, I believe in Delmon Young.

I guess that is what the optimism of spring training does for you.

The American (Idol) Dream

2010-02-25T20:08:00.008-06:00

Today is my first random Friday post. If you read my State of the Blog address, you understand what's going on here. If not, check it out and you will understand what is going on here.

I watch American Idol.

Actually, I just started watching American Idol for the first time this season, and it was sort of an accident. I needed something to watch while I work out, and American Idol is conducive to being workout background noise.

Having said that, I am thoroughly enjoying watching the show. And, yet, for whatever reason, I feel the need to justify my watching American Idol by telling all of you that I only watch when I workout. This, might I add, is a lie. I now watch the show even when I am not working out because I got sucked into the Idol machine.

Why, then, do I feel the need to place a disclaimer on my viewership? Is it because I don't want to admit I am watching a show that’s biggest draw is a pompous British guy with man boobs who wears shirts two sizes to small?

Well, yes, partially.

Mostly, though, it’s because there is a certain stigma attached to a 22-year-old male watching American Idol alone in his living room. That stigma is, "wow, what a fag."

Because of this societal pressure, I distance myself from American Idol. Yesterday, when a coworker asked me what I did the night before, I responded, "sadly, I watched American Idol." I felt compelled to add that "sadly" to the sentence even though I wasn't actually ashamed, and watching American Idol isn't actually sad. And yet, in a world where the omni-present quest is normalcy, I felt compelled to make myself sound more like a "normal" 22-year-old male.

This essentially means being the guy who says, "what kind of fag watches American Idol?"

The ironic thing is, one of the things I fear most is being normal. To me, being normal is synonymous with boring, complacent and average. In a world where "you seem so normal" is meant to be a compliment, I think to myself, "what does normal mean? And why the hell would anybody ever want to be it?

When you take the concept of what is considered an ideal American life, you think of a married couple with good jobs, a nice house, and beautiful children. You think, wow there is the American Dream. They are living such a nice, peaceful, perfect existence. Everything is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows.

On the surface, there is nothing wrong with this ideal. I, too, would like to get married, have a nice house, and have beautiful children someday. Who wouldn't?

That ideal, however, is not what makes a person normal. In fact nothing makes a person normal. The fact is, the people driven so completely by this idea that "I don't want to be perceived as the weird guy who has lawn gnomes in his yard, or a polka dot painted house" are chasing the impossible: normalcy.

And more importantly, why, if someone truly wants lawn gnomes or polka dots, would not having them make them normal? And even if it does make someone normal, doesn't it also make them less happy?

That thing that makes me saddest about these questions is how I personally fit into this "normal" mold. It is clear at various points throughout my average day that I am performing task, or speaking in a way so as not to be perceived as "weird." Most of the time it is irrelevant because weirdness is all relative, but every time I censor myself, or react contrary to my first instinct, I wonder am I simply behaving this way because I think I am supposed to?

If every part of me wants to tell someone off, or how I really feel about them, or whatever the case may be, and I don't say anything, it is most likely because I am afraid of their reaction. We have all been conditioned to think that nobody has the same weird thoughts in their often equally fucked up brains, so expressing myself wouldn't be beneficial to anyone. And certainly this can be true sometimes. Maybe your honesty will be off-putting because they don't feel the same way, and maybe they will give you one of those "are you serious?" or "what the fuck is wrong with you?" looks because they think you are nuts. Then you'll walk away embarrassed, and they'll walk away thinking, "what a nut job."

The fact is, however, while the person you tell your feelings (negative or positive) to may not feel the same way, and they may react like you are bat shit crazy, you can be sure that they have felt the same way you feel about them, about someone in their life. Even if that someone isn't you.

Yet, you are the odd one because you don't want to live in a world where normalcy reigns supreme.

Of course, I say all this from my high horse, knowing that I will today, like everyday, go through an average day. I will perform functions that will be considered normal. If I come across someone who annoys me, and I won't tell them they annoy me. I'll just continue about my business, and hope I can just get through another normal day.

And there, of course, is that word again.

Normal.

How will I achieve today? American Idol isn’t shown on Friday after all.

If

2010-02-24T20:30:00.005-06:00

I love the beginning of spring training for numerous reasons. The most obvious reason being that pitchers and catchers reporting signals a symbolic beginning to the end of the perilous Minnesota winter.

What else I love about spring training? The ifs.

If...

...Francisco Liriano returns to anywhere near his 2006 form, the Twins will have one of the best rotations in baseball.

...J.J. Hardy can solidify the defense at SS and bounce back offensively, the Twins will have a presence in the infield, as well as one of the deepest lineups in the league.

...Jose Mijares doesn't eat a small child...well, okay, that's really not realistic.

...Jon Rauch, Jesse Crain, Clay Condrey, Matt Guerrier, Pat Neshek, and whomever else can handle the late innings leading up to Nathan, the Twins will have one of the deepest bullpens in baseball.

...Joe Nathan doesn't self-destruct, the Twins will actually win a playoff series.

...Nick Punto learns what the fuck a stop sign is, my remote might actually survive an entire Twins season.

...Joe Mauer somehow relives his seemingly unmatchable 2009, the Twins will have the most potent offense in baseball. (Yes, including the Yankees.)

...I don't get tickets to opening day at Target Field, I will shank someone and steal theirs.

...Delmon Young, Denard Span, and Michael Cuddyer can somehow cover enough ground in the outfield, the Twins as defensively minded team will actually seem true again.

...Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, and Nick Blackburn can step up and realize that they aren't actually young pitchers anymore, and prove ready to help lead a pitching staff, I will put the Twins rotation up against any in the league.

...everyone on the roster actually "battle's their tale off," maybe Ron Gardenhire will stop speaking only in cliches.

...Jim Thome can provide a stabilizing influence in the clubhouse, and provide a solid bench of the bat/DH, the Twins will have found one of the biggest things they have been missing the last few years.

If all this things happen? Well it is hard to imagine this won't be the most successful Twins season in recent memory.

There is a reason they are ifs, of course, and there is an infinite list of them. How many come true remains to be seen, but it's the speculation that makes spring training that much more fun.

Got any more ifs? Lets see them in the comments section.

State of the Blog Address

2010-02-23T20:51:00.003-06:00

Writing is a funny thing. Everyone who writes even semi-regularly knows that if you aren't really "feeling it," trying to write something that falls somewhere between readable and good (or beyond) is nearly impossible.

Sitting down to write something, even something small, is such a personal thing. You pen together a few words. Sometimes you hate what you write. Sometimes you love what you write. Most of the time you simply feel comfortable, but not extraordinary (negatively or positively) about what you write.

The irony of all ironies is that many times when you feel great about something you write, and expect others to compliment you, you receive nary a word of encouragement. Your left to think, "huh, maybe I actually suck."

Then, you have times when you throw something together you are completely uncomfortable with. You think "well this kind of blows, but fuck it I'll post it anyway." And, low and behold, that's the piece someone comments on. Or retweets. Or sends you an email saying "hey I loved what you wrote about fill-in-the-blank."

Writing is such a dissociative thing. Perceiving the written word is completely different for everyone; be it writer, reader, skimmer, accidental googler, or whomever. The fact is, if I write something I love, there is going to be someone out there who hates it. And if I write something I hate, there is going to be someone out there who loves it. Reader and writer each perceive the written word differently.

Now I'm not here to say my pithy little posts about the last decade of Twins baseball, or Nick Punto being sort of a fuck up are even remotely relevant in any grand scheme or scope. They aren't.

Quite simply, I like to write. I enjoy throwing together a few jokes and a little analysis and trying to make a coherent piece of writing that someone, somewhere will enjoy. It may seem like I am just fucking around, and to a degree I am, but I also take my writing seriously. If I don't feel at least slightly comfortable with what I am writing, I will not post it, or, as has been the case lately, if I haven't felt completely "into" what I am doing, I won't even begin writing in the first place.

All this is really a long winded way of saying, that while I know I haven't been posting lately, I am moving forward now. I feel recharged and ready to throw myself back into this site.

Moving forward, the blog outlook will be something like this:

Between two and four Twins related posts during the week (Monday - Thursday). Now that pitchers and catchers have reported, and there is actual news, I will throw myself back into the blogosphere and crank out my usual witty and insightful Twins musings.

On top of this, however, I will also feature a Friday post on random topics that will likely be completely unrelated to the Twins, and probably sports in general. This will simply be an outlet for me to feel like I am actually writing something instead of just blogging. If that makes sense.

I am not sure what form these Friday posts will take on yet, but I have been looking to try something new, and this will be a good way for me to refocus.

Basically, for those of you who enjoy my Twins blogging, I will obviously be continuing that the majority of the time. For those of you who don't enjoy my Twins blogging (I'm not sure why you are here, but I am flattered) maybe you will enjoy my Friday writings. Really, though, this will just serve as an outlet for me...at the expense of all of you.

Really this is just something I need to get me back on track and avoid a feeling of monotony.

Hopefully, as I get back into the writing flow, there will be plenty to enjoy for everyone here at Undomed. At least, if nothing else, this slightly new format will serve as a way to keep me sane, because, let's face it, writing about sports every single day gets a little old.

So, what I am here to tell you is, that while the state of the blog has faltered as of late, the future of the blog is strong.

And that is a promise.

Thank you for your readership.

Nicholas Paul Punto

2010-02-12T12:18:00.002-06:00

Don't forget to check out all the other Nick Punto posts around the blogosphere for Nick Punto Day. If you are on Twitter check out the #nickpuntoday feed, or click on pretty much any of the Twins blog links in my side bar. Many of them have excellent additions to this magical day. And a special shoutout to Andrew Kneeland of Twins Target for coming up with the idea.

How does one properly quantify one Nicholas Paul Punto?

As a man who so many people love, and so many others love to hate, he stirs up the strongest emotional feelings for Twins fans this side of Joe Mauer. And Punto isn't even a strapping, sideburned dreamboat -- quite the opposite, in fact.

So why, then, does this little squirrely man stir up such large emotions in Twins fans?

To answer that question, let's flashback to the final game of the 2009 ALDS against the Yankees. A game that, quite simply, summed up Punto's existence quite nicely.

Come about the fifth inning or so, with the game still tied at zero, my friend and I decided it was about time to bust out a chant from the tenth row of the left field home run porch. And who better to cheer on than Little Nicky Paul Punto himself?

We dusted off an old favorite chant from our trip to Kansas City a few summers ago that went a little something like this:

My friend: POON!
Me: TOE!

POON! TOE! POON! TOE!

We continued to chant all through Punto's at bat to both the chagrin and delight of the people sitting around us -- anytime you use the word "poon" in public it tends to stir up strong emotions in people. Some people laughed, some people gave us knucks, some people looked at us like we were slightly retarded. But, hey, it's little Nicky Punto. He deserves a chant. Right?

Well, we continued this for each of Punto's at-bats for the rest of the game (even adding some fellow chanters along the way). It was a magical Puntonian adventure in the Home Run porch that day.

As you can probably imagine, when Punto hit his double to lead off the bottom of the eight, we went nuts. Our "poon" magic had worked. We had inspired the little fella so much, that he slapped a double into the left center field gap. Things were looking pretty damn good for the Twins thanks to Mr. Punto himself.

Of course, we all know what happened from there. Denard Span slapped his infield single up the middle, and Derek Jeter caught Nicky P. wandering off third base because he heard the crowd and thought the ball got through. Great. Thanks Punto. Way to be big guy. Way to be.

So what does all of this say about one Nicholas Paul Punto? Well, that story had a little bit of everything. The highs for the Punto pimpers, and the lows for the Punto punters. It was a win-win or win-lose or lose-lose, or some sort of situation.

Really though, as I look back, that story summarizes Punto's entire Twins existence.

He is a scrappy player, who runs around, occasionally does things that are exciting, and almost inevitably ends up screwing up for being too into the moment. I mean, he ran past a fucking stop sign because there were too many noises. Really Punto? You can't function in loud places? What the hell would he do if he worked in a steel mill or something? Those places are loud right?

But I digress.

The point is, Punto stirs up so many emotions in fans because he is such a kamikaze force to be reckoned with. Sometimes his ridiculous leaping and sliding around is good, and sometimes its bad.

You pretty much just have to decide if the crazy head first shenanigans and unnecessary diving stops are worth it in the end.

Or as I now say: "sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and sometimes Nick Punto rains on your parade."

Then again, we probably wouldn't have this problem if he just didn't play everyday...

Me and Jon Rauch

2010-02-10T19:17:00.005-06:00

I have nothing to write today, and my next real post won't be until Nick Punto Day on Friday. However, in the meantime, here is a picture of me and Jon Rauch from Twinsfest. Just cuz.

I may look awkward and confused on the outside, but I feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. Also, we have similar shaped heads, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Oh, and he has a slightly less dense blank stare in person than I may have previously suggested.

And, yes, that is really Jon Rauch and not a cardboard cutout.

Light At The End Of The tunnel.

2010-02-09T21:37:00.006-06:00

Have you ever noticed that every non-Christmas song that involves lyrics about snow is depressing? Of course, the simple reason for this is, well, snow is depressing. It's cold. It's wet. It's dreary. Quite frankly, snow blows.

Oh sure, snow around Christmas-time is all cute and cuddly, but come late-January and early-February, I think we are all about fed up with the whole winter thing. White Christmas be damned.

There is no place where the doldrums of late winter are more evident than the sports world.

Now, I think it is fairly obvious that I am primarily a baseball fan; so, naturally, I am biased. But I defy anyone to lay claim to a bleaker time of the sports calendar than late winter.

For me, surviving on football is merely a necessity in my sports-obsessed brain. If I could watch the Twins play year-round, and completely forgo the Vikings season entirely, I would gladly make that trade.

(Granted, having said that, I went on one of the most ridiculously long and loud profanity laced tirades I can remember when Brett Favre threw his interception. I believe it was a sequence that involved approximately 324 "fucks" 373 "shits" (the words, not the actions) 312 "goddamnits," and 1 very confused and frightened brother's girlfriend -- who just happened to be on the phone with him at the time and heard me yelling. But I digress.)

The fact is, while I love following the Twins offseason, (especially when they actually make moves) nothing can possibly compare to the actual season itself. Basically, as I sit here on February 9th, staring out my window at a cold, wet, dreary, snow-soaked tundra, I have to convince myself that there is a light at the end of the proverbial winter tunnel.

I guess the only thing to do now is look forward to the fact that pitchers and catchers report in 12 days, and in just over two months, the Twins will be playing meaningful baseball. And, better yet, meaningful outdoor baseball.

It can't come soon enough.

When Good Tweets Go Bad

2010-02-04T20:12:00.004-06:00

There has been a lot of news that isn't really news, but might be news, but might not be news, but is becoming news because everyone decided its news so therefore it is, in fact, news lately.

Don't worry, that sentence didn't make sense to me either. And that is the point.

Now, I love Twitter as much, if not more, than the next guy. Anytime I can get an inordinate number of responses to a tweet including the word "wiener," you know we have all stumbled on to something special. If there is a greater joy in life than a "wiener tweet," I have yet to experience it.

However, in light of "Mauer Monday" and "Hudson Thursday?" "O-Dog Thursday?" I don't know, the alliteration isn't there for that one (the Hudson thing couldn't have happend on a Wednesday? I mean come on who doesn't want to take part in Hudson hump day? The sexual connotations take that to a whole other level), Twitter has proven that, while it can be an enjoyable -- and often valuable -- tool, it can also be a horrible, frustrating, self absorbed, ego-driven, (insert more negative phrases here) machine.

When a journalist tweets information, even something that was intended to be innocuous, they have to understand people on Twitter who respect their opinion are going to take that morsel and spread it far and wide. There is no filter on Twitter, just rushed reactions to everything. Thus the name Twitter.

People don't think long and hard about tweets, and that is the entire point. The site is built for quck reactions and snapshots from a person's brain to their quick typing trigger finger.

Do you really think I spend along time thinking up the tweet, "If Orlando Hudson chooses the Indians over the Twins he is a huge wiener?"

Nope. I didn't. The word wiener just makes me giggle. I mean, try saying wiener with a straight face.

Now, there is no problem with this random tweeting when it is just some goofy jackass like myself spouting about my favorite sports teams. But when someone like Mark Rosen, or the random Nationals reporter or Kansas City radio station starts making unsubstantiated claims purely for the intentions of starting a publicity firestorm, then we have a problem.

When an quick shot entity like Twitter comes along in a journalistic society that judges success almost soleley on who "breaks the story," you start having some serious issues with the media flow.

Twitter can certainly be a great tool for spreading news, and spreading news quickly. But the problem is that policing the spread of unsubstantiated stories is nearly impossible. Once one tweet about Joe Mauer comes out and 3 other people retweet it, a chain reaction of retweeting and rumor mongering is set into motion.
And it is an unstoppable force.

Again, if I a jackass such as myself were the one tweeting about Joe Mauer, most people would ignore me, or everyone would just shrug like they do at any fan rumor. But when media members begin throwing very, very fringe information around in the interest of breaking a story, it becomes more of a problem.

People are programmed to believe journalists. It's part of the job description. They have inside information about news stories, and they relate that information back to average Joe over there. So when these journalists relate information back to us, even in a tweet, we tend to believe it.

Stopping the influx of unsubstantiated tweets is a difficult goal to reach. Certainly, it is not Twitters job to do so, or even care about doing so. The fact is, when a reporter is considering tweeting information, they need to realize that people digest it the same way they do the 10 o'clock news, or a news website (I'd say the morning paper, but come on, that's just ridiculous. Who reads that?)

While Twitter can clearly be both enjoyable and useful, it can also cause innummerable problems.

Next time, Mr. or Mrs. Journalist, before typing in that quick tweet, consider double checking your sources before hitting the enter key. Tweets need to be treated with the same care of any other news medium.

Otherwsie, our fast-paced society will continue it's downward spiral into quick-tweet chaos.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2006

2010-01-31T21:54:00.004-06:00

It has been a magical and unnecessarily long ride, and it is finally coming to an end with the final entry in my decade retrospective series. We laughed. We cried. We did other clichéd things. Good times were had by somewhere between some and all. If you missed any of the entries, catch up via the sidebar.

2006 was, well, quite simply the best season of the decade. Between having the best regular season of the decade, and going on one of the most impressive mid-summer runs in franchise history, there was plenty to love about the 2006 Twins.

Oh, sure, the season didn’t end how any of us expected or wanted, but overall, it was the best year of the 2000s. Besides, I believe, to this day, that if Francisco Liriano hadn’t gotten injured, the Twins would have won the World Series, and nobody can convince me otherwise.

In reality, the Twins ended winning the Central Division with a 96-66 record via one of the most exciting regular seasons in franchise history.

For the final time, here are the rules:

Successfulness: This one is pretty simple. Most successful team gets the highest score, least successful team gets the lowest score, and the rest fall somewhere in between. More cut and dry than the others, but there is some room for debate.

Memorableness: First off, yes, I know memorableness isn’t a word. I don’t care. Deal with it. This category is simply both how memorable the year was as a whole, and how many single moments stand out.

Likeability: This will be mostly about how likeable the team was, and how enjoyable they were to watch as a fan.

Intangibles: Other basic randomness that makes the year more or less enjoyable.

And now, without further ado, the ratings for the Twins best season of the decade:

Successfulness – 9

En route to their beset regular season of the decade, the Twins put together an amazing run of baseball that included, among other things, somewhere around -2 losses in interleague play. Roughly.

In one of the most memorable summers of Twins baseball to date, the Twins made everyone believe they were a true contender. Yes, that belief ultimately led to disappointment in the playoffs, but every season of the decade ended in playoff disappointment.

Taking the entire 2006 season into account, it is hard to argue with the success that team achieved. Especially considering they started out slow and still managed to put together one of the most successful regular seasons in franchise history.

Memorableness – 10

Joe Mauer. Justin Morneau. Franciso Liriano. Johan Santana.

Batting champ. MVP. Best pitcher in baseball. Cy Young.

And that doesn’t even include Torii Hunter, and Brad Radke’s amazing torn labrum swan song. One of the most underrated pitching seasons in Twins history. Say what you will about Radke being overrated, but his 2006 season was one of the gutsiest performances in team history.

Adding everything up, the summer of 2006 provided fans with memorable moments almost on a nightly basis. Any Liriano game was must see TV. Any Mauer or Morneau at-bat meant grabbing another beer could wait. And, while Santana had almost become cache by 2006, he was still the best pitcher in baseball not named Liriano.

(For those of you questioning my Liriano as the best pitcher in baseball claim, go back and look at his stats. He put up one of the most impressive runs not only of the decade, but in baseball history. I would put the 16 starts he made up against almost any in the history of baseball.)

Ultimately, what all those players provided was not only the best season of the decade, but one of the best moments of the decade as well on the last day of the season. Yes, they already had the wild card wrapped up, but when the team took care of the White Sox and stayed around to watch with the fans as the Royals upset the Tigers to give the Twins another division championship, it gave every Twins fans chills. Even those of us who weren’t lucky enough to actually be there.

Likeability – 10

There was almost nothing not to like about the 2006 Twins.

Do you like dreamy, side-burned catchers who finally fulfill their promise by winning the battle title and becoming the best catcher in baseball?

Meet Joe Mauer.

Are burly Canadian MVP’s more of your thing?

Say hello to Justin Morneau.

Or maybe you prefer cutsey nicknames handed out by a crazy Latino man?

Then don’t forget about the Pirhanas.

And that doesn’t even include Hunter, Santana, Liriano, Nathan, Pat Neshek’s crazy side armed delivery, and of course Tony Batisita (just kidding).

Basically, the 2006 Twins had something for everyone. If you couldn’t find something to like about the 2006 Twins, well, I have to question your ability to feel human emotions you fucking robot.

Intangibles – 10

There were a lot of random things to enjoy about 2006. However, there is one random thing about 2006 that I feel is underrated: the homoerotic relationship between Mauer and Morneau.

We’ve all heard the story about how Morneau moved in with Mauer because he needed to stop partying so much – or doing body shots off hookers, as I put it earlier. However, I feel like fans don’t appreciate how ridiculous this is.

Mauer and Morneau are not only professional athletes, but two of the best players in baseball. They both had plenty of money, and could essentially live anywhere they wanted to. They weren’t in college, they weren’t high school athletes, THEY WERE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES!

These people don’t just move in together.

Now, what actually happened at their house was probably about what you would expect from two 20-something-year-old guys living together. The fact that they were – and stop me if I mentioned this – professional athletes just makes the whole thing seem so ridiculous.

I mean, am I the only one who pictures Morneau laying on the couch on a Sunday morning, completely hungover, while Mauer stands in the kitchen wearing an apron (and nothing else) and making scrambled eggs while calling out, “breakfast’s ready” as Morneau groans, rolls over and stumbles his way to the table?

Ok, probably. Still, I just feel like people don’t make enough out of the whole Mauer and Morneau lived together thing.

Then again, they both became MVPs so whatever.

Overall – 39

With only one point below a perfect score, the 2006 Minnesota Twins take home the award for best team of the decade. And, while every Twins team fell short of winning the World Series, the 2000s was one of the greatest in Twins history so taking that first spot is really pretty impressive.

Here's to hoping the next decade is even better.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2006

2010-01-31T21:54:00.000-06:00

It has been a magical and unnecessarily long ride, and it is finally coming to an end with the final entry in my decade retrospective series. We laughed. We cried. We did other clichéd things. Good times were had by somewhere between some and all. If you missed any of the entries, catch up via the sidebar.

2006 was, well, quite simply the best season of the decade. Between having the best regular season of the decade, and going on one of the most impressive mid-summer runs in franchise history, there was plenty to love about 2006.

Oh, sure, the season didn’t end how any of us expected or wanted, but overall, it was the best year of the 2000s. Besides, I believe, to this day, that if Francisco Liriano hadn’t gotten injured, the Twins would have won the World Series, and nobody can convince me otherwise.

In reality, the Twins ended winning the Central Division with a 96-66 record via one of the most exciting regular seasons in franchise history.

For the final time, here are the rules:

Successfulness: This one is pretty simple. Most successful team gets the highest score, least successful team gets the lowest score, and the rest fall somewhere in between. More cut and dry than the others, but there is some room for debate.

Memorableness: First off, yes, I know memorableness isn’t a word. I don’t care. Deal with it. This category is simply both how memorable the year was as a whole, and how many single moments stand out.

Likeability: This will be mostly about how likeable the team was, and how enjoyable they were to watch as a fan.

Intangibles: Other basic randomness that makes the year more or less enjoyable.

And now, without further ado, the ratings for the Twins best season of the decade:

Successfulness – 9

En route to their beset regular season of the decade, the Twins put together an amazing run of baseball that included, among other things, somewhere around -2 losses in interleague play. Roughly.

In one of the most memorable summers of Twins baseball, the Twins made everyone believe they were a true contender. Yes, that belief ultimately led to disappointment in the playoffs, but every season of the decade ended in playoff disappointment.

Taking the entire 2006 season into account, it is hard to argue with the success that team achieved. Especially considering they started out slow and still managed to put together one of the most successful regular seasons in franchise history.

Memorableness – 10

Joe Mauer. Justin Morneau. Franciso Liriano. Johan Santana.

Batting champ. MVP. Best pitcher in baseball. Cy Young.

And that doesn’t even include Torii Hunter, and Brad Radke’s amazing torn labrum swan song. One of the most underrated pitching seasons in Twins history. Say what you will about Radke being overrated by fans, his 2006 season was one of the gutsiest performances in team history.

Adding everything up, the summer of 2006 provided fans with memorable moments almost on a nightly basis. Any Liriano game was must see TV. Any Mauer or Morneau at-bat meant grabbing another beer could wait. And, while Santana had almost become cache by 2006, he was still the best pitcher in baseball not named Liriano.

(For those of you questioning my Liriano as the best pitcher in baseball claim, go back and look at his stats. He put up one of the most impressive runs not only of the decade, but in baseball history. I would put the 16 starts he made up against almost any in the history of baseball.)

Ultimately, what all those players provided was not only the best season of the decade, but one of the best moments of the decade as well on the last day of the season. Yes, they already had the wild card wrapped up, but when the team took care of the White Sox and stayed around to watch with the fans as the Royals upset the Tigers to give the Twins another division championship, it gave every Twins fans chills. Even those of us who weren’t lucky enough to actual be there.

Likeability – 10

There was almost nothing not to like about the 2006 Twins.

Do you like dreamy, side-burned catchers who finally fulfill their promise by winning the battle title and becoming the best catcher in baseball?

Meet Joe Mauer.

Are burly Canadian MVP’s more of your thing?

Say hello to Justin Morneau.

Or maybe you prefer cutsey nicknames handed out by a crazy Latino man?

Then don’t forget about the Pirhanas.

And that doesn’t even include Hunter, Santana, Liriano, Nathan, Pat Neshek’s crazy side armed delivery, and of course Tony Batisita (just kidding).

Basically, the 2006 Twins had something for everyone. If you couldn’t find something to like about the 2006 Twins, well, I have to question your ability to feel human emotions you fucking robot.

Intangibles – 10

There were a lot of random things to enjoy about 2006. However, there is one random thing about 2006 that I feel is underrated: the homoerotic relationship between Mauer and Morneau.

We’ve all heard the story about how Morneau moved in with Mauer because he needed to stop partying so much – or doing body shots off hookers, as I put it earlier. However, I feel like fans don’t appreciate how ridiculous this is.

Mauer and Morneau are not only professional athletes, but two of the best players in baseball. They both had plenty of money, and could essentially live anywhere they want. They weren’t in college, they weren’t high school athletes, THEY WERE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES!

These people don’t just move in together.

Now, what actually happened at their house was probably about what you would expect from two 20-something-year-old guys living together. The fact that they were – and stop me if I mentioned this – professional athletes just makes the whole thing seem so ridiculous.

I mean am I the only one who pictures Morneau laying on the couch on a Sunday morning, completely hungover, while Mauer stands in the kitchen wearing an apron (and nothing else) and making scramble eggs while calling out, “breakfast’s ready” as Morneau groans, rolls over and stumbles his way to the table?

Ok, probably. Still, I just feel like people don’t make enough out of the whole Mauer and Morneau lived together thing.

Then again, they both became MVPs so whatever.

Overall – 39

With only one point below a perfect score, the 2006 Minnesota Twins take home the award for best team of the decade.

The Forgotten Superstar

2010-01-28T20:27:00.004-06:00

So I am going into my very small vault to bring a piece out of the archives. I know I said I was going to finish my decade retrospective today, but, well, life is disappointing. Sorry. Instead, here is something I wrote back when Ken Griffey Jr. re-signed with the Mariners this fall and only two people were reading this blog instead of four. So you know, this post should be new for two of you.

Remember 1997? Spice Girls. Titanic. The Simpsons (back when it was still good). And Ken Griffey Jr.

Ok, so maybe Griffey wasn’t a pop culture icon like Baby Spice, Leo, or Homer J(ay), but he was the unquestioned king of baseball.

He hit home runs. He made great plays. He smiled. He had fun playing. We had fun watching.

Griffey was the type of superstar professional sports yearn for. Yes, he was a little cocky with his home run strut, but what star athlete isn’t?

Griffey had a presence.

Fast forward 12 years and Griffey is no longer the player was. He is a shell of his former self, hitting .214 in partial duty, carrying a little extra weight on his once perfectly trim, athletic frame, and no longer making those Griffey signature plays.

One can justifiably argue that the Mariners made a poor choice bringing Griffey back, now in the Mays-like twilight of his career, but you can’t really blame them either. How do you say no to Ken Griffey Jr.? How do you turn him away? And more importantly, why would you want to?

It is in the best interest of the game of baseball to have Griffey around.

Not because Griffey sells tickets. He no longer does.

Not because Griffey will be breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record; a record, that Griffey once seemed destined for. He no longer will.

Not even because Griffey is a particularly productive player. He no longer is.

But because Ken Griffey Jr. is a symbol of what is right in baseball, when almost everything else seems to be going wrong.

Griffey, the once proud king of a baseball era soaked under a storm cloud of steroid suspicion, has remained dry. While Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens and countless others have faced acquisitions, congressional hearings, and perjury trials, Griffey has continued his career, devoid of suspicion.

While the sizes of McGwire, Sosa, and Bonds biceps, heads, and home run numbers grew, Griffey’s legs gave out. While the stats of McGwire, Sosa, and Bonds got better with age, Griffey’s began declining.

As sad as it is to see a superstar fade, there are few sights more comforting this day in age.

When Griffey first began his Major League career in 1989 he was already anointed “the chosen one.” He was a number one draft choice and the son of Major League player. He was a five tool player with a star attitude and star play. He was destined for greatness.

Griffey’s good-but-not-great rookie campaign was followed by a steady rise to the top. His batting average climbed. His power numbers climbed. His on base percentage climbed. He was on his way to being the best and most beloved player in the game.

Griffey’s breakout year came in 1993 at the age of 23. Where most 23 year old players – even top prospects – are either toiling away in the minors or just getting their break, Griffey was already in his fifth major league season, and ready to take over the league. His breakout year of 1993 featured 40 home runs, a .309 batting average, and an OPS of 1.025.

Over the next six years Griffey took over the baseball world. He became the most popular, and arguably best, player in the game. He did it all (including capture the adoration of a boy in Minnesota, who turned his bedroom into a Ken Griffey Jr. shrine).

Griffey was the best.

Following the 1999 season, however, everything changed. Griffey wanted out of Seattle. He demanded a trade, with a short list of acceptable destinations; number one being his hometown of Cincinnati.

Griffey made the move to a seemingly perfect situation: a smaller ballpark, in his hometown, on team that seemed ready to compete.

Griffey, however, faltered slightly in 2000 (although not as much as history may lead you to believe). He still hit 40 homers and drove in 100 runs, but it didn’t seem the same. Griffey was 30 years old, and with 12 big league season already behind him, seemed on the decline.

The next seven years in Cincinnati were disastrous. Griffey suffered through injury after injury; playing in more than 130 games only once – at the age of 37. The once great Griffey was reduced to an afterthought.

While Barry Bonds, the player Griffey was most compared to, was breaking records and performing at what seemed an impossible level for a man near 40, Griffey was nursing injuries, slowing down, and losing bat speed. Griffey was playing like an aging Major Leaguer.

He plodded along, never again reaching 40 home runs. Never making the playoffs (until a late season trade to the White Sox in 2008). Never playing like the superstar we all loved to watch in the nineties. The old Griffey was gone, and as sad as it was, it seemed oddly right.

So here we are in 2009. In a time when steroid scandals are commonplace and everyone tries to find the bad in baseball, Griffey represents the good.

We seem to forget he is fifth on the all time home run list with 630. We forget, because unlike the abusers before him, he isn’t getting better with age. He is taking the career path a superstar should. He is now the past-his-prime veteran, showing nothing but glimpses of his old self.

Griffey is lost in the steroid shuffle.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was at a Twins game this past season when Griffey hit a home run right into the center of a “hit it here to win $25,000 from Subway” sign – the first, and only, time a player hit said sign in the Metrodome. (Nobody won the $25,000 because apparently it didn’t count if an opposing player hit the sign, which is completely ridiculous. How cheap can Subway be? I mean come on. We weren’t eating fresh enough, or what?)

The home run was a special moment, because you could still see a glimpse of that sweet Griffey swing. So still and perfect, smooth like a perfectly mixed cocktail – the smooth crisp cola, with just enough whiskey kick.

Those moments are few and far between now, and I, like any good baseball fan should, will treasure them, because once Griffey is gone, it will close the book on an era.

Maybe it is fitting that Griffey is the last to go, since he is the one we should celebrate the most.

Griffey, the forgotten superstar, is the one we should remember, from an era we want to forget.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2002

2010-01-26T21:31:00.001-06:00

Well I am finally coming down to the wire. Unless something unforeseen happens, I may actually finish this silly little project this week. If you aren’t following me on Twitter by now, you should do so. And no, I won’t shut up until you do.

Whether it was the 10 wins of reliever Tony Fiore, or the delightfully nicknamed right field duo of Dusty Kilmohr (Dustan Mohr and Bobby Kielty) the 2002 Minnesota Twins had its share of unsung heroes.

What those unsung heroes managed to produce, was one of the most memorable seasons in Twins history.

After more than a decade of futility (or the Coomer years, as I lovingly call the 90s) the Twins returned to the playoffs in 2002. Fresh off their first winning season since 1992, the 2002 Twins proved right from the start that 2001 was much more than an aberration.

Playing in a notoriously weak division, the 2002 Twins cruised to a 94-67 record and an easy first place finish. A finish, that set up the most memorable playoff run of the decade.

Here are the rules again before I begin:

Successfulness: This one is pretty simple. Most successful team gets the highest score, least successful team gets the lowest score, and the rest fall somewhere in between. More cut and dry than the others, but there is some room for debate.

Memorableness: First off, yes, I know memorableness isn’t a word. I don’t care. Deal with it. This category is simply both how memorable the year was as a whole, and how many single moments stand out.

Likeability: This will be mostly about how likeable the team was, and how enjoyable they were to watch as a fan.

Intangibles: Other basic randomness that makes the year more or less enjoyable.

And away we go…

Successfulness – 10

For fairly obvious, three victories away from the World Series related reasons, 2002 was the Twins most successful season of the aughts.

After coming into the season with uncertain expectations, the Twins won the Central Divison by 13 games. The ease with which they won the division was attributed far more to the strength of the Twins divisional foes (or lack thereof) than the Twins actual talent. Because of this, the Twins went into the playoffs as heavy underdogs.

Continuing to embrace the underdog mentality the team had patented, the Twins defeated the favored Oakland A’s in an ALDS full of memorable moments before coming to a screeching halt against the Anaheim? Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim? California? -- I don’t even remember what the hell they were called that year anymore -- Angels. And of course that bastardly rally monkey.

Was it depressing as hell to watch Adam Kennedy hit three home runs to end the Twins magical run? Yes. Yes it was.

Ultimately, however, the unfortunate ending was nothing more than a blemish on one of the most enjoyable seasons in Twins history.

Memorableness – 9

I feel like of the Twins 94 wins in 2002, 90 of them were comeback wins. Obviously, this is not true, and for dramatic effect I don’t want to look up the actual number because it will probably be disappointingly small.

Point being, the 2002 Twins played in a lot of exciting games -- hell, I think even Denny Hocking had a walkoff hit once.

As exciting as the regular season was, however, what really stands out from 2002 is the Twins wild playoff ride.

I will never forget game one of the ALDS. The Twins were floundering, looking very much like the cute little team that lucked into the playoffs through a weak division (complete with one of those stupid “whose got it?” pop-ups that dropped somewhere between home plate and the pitcher’s mound). At that point everyone was thinking the same thing, “well it was fun while it lasted.”

Then, like they had done all year, the Twins began clawing back. Corey Koskie hit a home run, some other less descript stuff happened (so much for my memorableness), and the Twins ended up winning game one. Suddenly it seemed like the Twins had a chance.

The series continued to go back and forth, and when the teams headed to Oakland for a decisive game five, Twins fans hopes were high and expectations were low.

In that game the Twins, much like they had all year, found themselves in a nail-biter. With a tenuous 2-1 lead in the top of the ninth, the then-loved, now-hated A.J. Pierzynski hit a two run homer to give the Twins a 4-1 cushion. The team added another run before handing the ball over to “Everyday” Eddie Guardado.

Guardado, per usual, managed to give up 3 runs before nailing down the save and sending the Twins to an improbable berth in the ALCS.

Really, that game five was the epitome of the Twins season: keep the game close, score a few late inning runs, hand the ball over to “Everyday” Eddie, have him take the game to the brink before completing the save, and watch Denny Hocking cut his finger in a celebratory dog pile.

That last part actually doesn’t actually help epitomize the season; I just think it is funny.

Likeability – 9

Everything about the 2002 Twins was incredibly likeable. The team didn’t have any real “stars” per se (other than, arguably, Torii Hunter) so there wasn’t anyone to hog the limelight. Everyone got to choose their favorite player, and nobody could really question anyone’s choice because everyone on the team was kind of the same. Well, other than Travis Miller, that is.

Between re-introducing Twins fans to a winning team, appearing on the cover of ESPN The Magazine as the “Team that Saved Baseball,” and finally allowing the post-’91 Twins to be remembered for something other than Little Big League (which was awesome, mind you), it is impossible to argue with the joy the 2002 Twins brought fans.

Intangibles – 9

The Twins started the 2002 season in Kansas City. I remember this vividly because that first game seemed extra important. In reality, opening day means very little in the grand scheme of the season, but after a disappointing finish, and all the “aberration” driven contraction talk in 2001, the 2002 Twins had something to prove.

So when Jacque Jones strode to the plate as the first Twins batter of the season, his at bat seemed like the most important unimportant plate appearance in baseball history.

What happened?

Jones smashed a leadoff home run on the second pitch of the 2002 season.

I knew. I absolutely knew right then and there that 2002 was going to be special. Jones’s home run was just one little moment in a season full of thousands of little moments. But it is one little moment that stands out because of what it meant to all the Twins fans who had been tormented all offseason.

Did that one home run matter in the grand scheme life, or even the grand scheme of the baseball season? No.

But at that moment, nothing mattered more. And that, my friends, is why I love baseball.

Overall – 37

Notes

2010-01-25T18:43:00.005-06:00

1. First and foremost, I will be finishing up the Decade Retrospective this week. I swear. I have every intention of posting the final two entries tomorrow and Thursday (I was about to say Wednesday, but I'm going to the Joe Mauer Homecoming taping so I won't have time, and I didn't want to lie to you all you fine people.) Should I fail to complete my Decade Retrospective by Thursday for whatever reason, you can all, I dunno, tweet derogatory things about me or something.

2. Speaking of Twitter, you should all follow me. I'm up to 75 followers, but 100 looks pretty darn good right about now. And while 100 followers seems like a fairly lofty goal right about now, I feel like the fact that I tweeted something about testicles three times yesterday and didn't lose a single follower has to be a good sign. Right?

3. Finally, I have thoughts on two potential Twins targets:

Jim Thome: Thome has been a divisive force for Twins fans the last few days, and, honestly, I don't get why. The Twins bench is absolutely awful right now (at this rate, I'm going to be the leading candidate off the bench) and the addition of Thome would certainly change that. Yes, I am well aware Thome is nothing more than a DH at this point, but with Delmon Young slump prone, and some combination of Casilla/Punto/Tolbert/Harris/Valencia playing 2B/3B Thome would get plenty of at bats as a DH/PH. It won't take much financially to get Thome, and he would give the Twins depth, specifically a power hitter, that the team sorely needs.

Felipe Lopez: I don't think Lopez would be a bad pickup per se, but he wouldn't be the savior so many people seem to be making him out to be in. Yes, I am aware he had a cute little OBP last season, and has shown some pop in the past, but he is an inconsistent player that is at best average defensively. The fact is, he really doesn't bring all that much to the table. Is Lopez better than Punto? Yes. But in terms of getting on base, they have both been inconsistent players who have shown the ability to go on OBP hot and cold streaks in the past. And, technically, Punto is due for a good year while Lopez is due for a bad year. So there.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2009

2010-01-21T21:20:00.003-06:00

I am done apologizing for my lack of blogging lately. Nobody wants to listen to my sob stories, and, quite frankly, I grow weary of sobbing. Basically, I have every intention of writing more regularly now that I feel like I am actually in some sort of routine. But anyhoo, I am continuing my Decade Retrospective today (and I will finally conclude it in the next few days). As always, if you haven’t read the past entries, check them out in the nifty little sidebar I created with the rankings. Also, as always, follow me on Twitter. If you follow me, I’ll follow you. We’ll be like one big happy family. Unless you’re a porn star. I don’t need your porny charity.

2009 seems like it was just yesterday. Probably because it pretty much was yesterday.

The thing about 2009 for the Twins was it should have completely sucked. In fact, if it wasn’t for the last week of the season, 2009 very well could have been ninth on this list. Yeah, I’m going with ninth.

I hated the 2009 Twins (relatively speaking, of course) up until that last week of the season. All year long the team seemed hell bent on proving they had no interest in being a competitive club.

It didn’t help that they lost every game I went to for the first five months of the season. (An unheard of run for me, especially considering that I go to 10ish games a year, and once had a 20 game win streak of games I attended. No lie. 20.)

Sure, the 2009 Twins had likeable players like Mauer, Morneau, Span, and Cuddyer, but the team didn’t, by any stretch of the imagination, play likeable baseball.

Until the last week of the season.

As we all know, the Twins ended up in first place with an 87-76 record before getting swept out of the playoffs by the Yankees. Somewhat sadly, I suppose, that made 2009 good enough for third on this list.

On to the ratings. If you don’t know the rules yet, just check out Wednesday’s post – or any other post for that matter – they are fairly self explanatory and I like to think you are all at least relatively intelligent.

Successfulness – 8
.
I am not 100% certain how I came to the conclusion that 2009 was more successful than 2003 and 2004, but I did. I’m going to go with the overachieving underachievers theory.

Overachieving underachievers doesn’t make sense you say? Ok, technically no. But check it:

(Sorry, I’ll never do that again, I swear.)

The Twins came into 2009 with relatively high expectations. After a successful 2008, and with most of the team’s core returning, many fans expected relatively big things from the Twins.
(Big things, of course, means a playoff run in Twins speak.)
As the season wore on, however, it became painfully obvious that the Twins were not very good. They were a .500 team plain and simple.

As the summer dragged on, everyone became resigned to the fact that 2009 would simply be remembered as the last year in the Metrodome. Then, oddly, enough, the Twins found some spunk. Then they lost it. Then they found it again.

Then everyone said, ah, screw it, this team sucks but maybe they have chance.

Basically, the 2009 Twins managed to spend 5 solid months as big enough underachievers that, come September, when the team showed some signs of life, fans began to think of them as overachievers. You have to admit, that’s pretty impressive.

Or Twins fans are just stupid. Either, or.

Memorableness – 8

2009 was set up to be memorable regardless of how the season played out. I mean, the last year in the Metrodome is going to be a special time regardless, but the fact that the Twins managed to include the greatest game of the decade in 2009 is what took the season to a whole other level.

I would discuss game 163 in more detail, but I don’t feel like enough time has passed to adequately assess the game. Plus, I’m still pissed at myself for not buying a ticket to the game. Seriously? What the fuck was I thinking?

It’s both sad and impressive that not attending game 163 is the biggest regret of my 22 years on earth. Well, at least my biggest regret that I am willing to acknowledge publicly.

Likeability – 4

As I mentioned earlier, I didn’t like the 2009 Twins. For most of the summer, the team brought me very, very little joy.

Oh, sure, Mauer with his .400 flirtation was fun, but, honestly, the rest of the team was just frustrating.

I didn’t trust the pitching, half the lineup, or anyone on the bench. Plus, I have a deep-seeded resentment for Brendan Harris.

Whatever, let’s just move on.

Intangibles – 8

It is hard to boast a more impressive resume than “last season in the Metrodome” and “best game of the decade” so 2009 was tailor made for a healthy position when ranking the aughts.

Game 163 aside, 2009 featured the “farewell to the Metrodome” which featured the incredibly awkwardly enjoyable, “do we cheer Chuck Knoblauch?” situation. That was good times.

Also, personally, I feel like the Joe Crede walkoff grand slam was a little underrated (mostly because I feel like the nickname of “Midnight” Joe that The Superstar Mike Morris and the Power Trip Morning show gave Crede should have caught on. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a solid nickname. And nicknames just aren’t what they used to be.)

Overall – 28

I know there is a lot more to say about 2009. I know I didn’t do a very good job of analyzing 2009. I know these things.

The fact is, it is hard to properly put 2009 in perspective since the season is still so fresh in my mind. In a year or two, once I am able to look back and really analyze 2009 objectively, the 2009 season could fall to a very different spot on this list.

The fact is, I had to put it somewhere on this list, and at least for now, I am calling it the third best season of the decade.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2008

2010-01-19T20:46:00.001-06:00

Well…um…yeah. It’s been awhile eh? Hopefully you have all had plenty of time to catch up on any former Decade Retrospective posts you missed (all found in the sidebar). Again, I apologize for the delay, but this time instead of continuing to make excuses, I am just going to admit I am a wiener. If it makes you feel better, you can follow me on Twitter. It would certainly make me feel better…

2008 began as an unknown. Fresh off the departures of Johan Santana and Torii Hunter, nobody really knew what to expect. There was excitement surrounding Delmon Young and at least some hopefulness surrounding Carlos Gomez.

With Mauer and Morneau still leading the offense, many fans expected the team to be competitive once again, but remained unsure about whether the team could truly compete.

The rotation had a giant Livan Hernandez plugged gap (which, oddly, even a man of his size could not fill), while the lineup had plenty of holes.

When the Twins found a way to compete, it came as a pleasant, and exciting, surprise to all fans. While the team ultimately fell short in game 163, 2008 was an enjoyable year for the 88-75, second place Twins.

Here is a review for everyone before I begin. You know, since it’s been so long. Even I forgot the criteria…

Successfulness: This one is pretty simple. Most successful team gets the highest score, least successful team gets the lowest score, and the rest fall somewhere in between. More cut and dry than the others, but there is some room for debate.

Memorableness: First off, yes, I know memorableness isn’t a word. I don’t care. Deal with it. This category is simply both how memorable the year was as a whole, and how many single moments stand out.

Likeability: This will be mostly about how likeable the team was, and how enjoyable they were to watch as a fan.

Intangibles: Other basic randomness that makes the year more or less enjoyable.

Alright. On to the ratings.

Successfulness – 5

Right in the middle of the pack is the perfect place for the 2008 Twins. They were an undeniably flawed team that finished second in a weak division.

Of course, on the way to their second-place finish, the team supplied fans with one of the most memorable games of the decade (more on that in a minute).

The Twins 2008 success came as a surprise. And surprise success is the most enjoyable success of all.

Memorableness – 7

As a whole, 2008 wasn’t an exceptional year. In fact, if it wasn’t for the last week of the season, 2008 would have been just another year.

The Twins would have contended, but been unspectacular.

What set 2008 above so many other seasons was squirrely little Carlos Gomez dashing across home plate as Denard Span had a combination of a seizure/stroke/panic attack/I dunno, let’s say shingles at third base.

I am, of course, talking about the game in late September against the White Sox that moved the Twins into first place.

You want to talk about a game that toyed with fans emotions? That was a game that toyed with fans emotions.

By winning the first two games of the series, the Twins set themselves up to move half a game up on the White Sox by completing the sweep. Half a game back, with three games left to play, every game was a must win for the Twins.

When Kevin Slowey was literally knocked out of the game by a line drive in the fourth inning with the Twins down 6-1 I just remember gunning an empty Gatorade bottle across my living room and letting out a long set of expletives. Needless to say, I was none-too-pleased.

I sat fuming, as the Twins clawed back with runs in the fourth and sixth. I was hopeful but skeptical.

When the eighth inning came, and Denard Span yanked his line drive into the right field corner, I just remember jumping up and down in my apartment, screaming at the top of my lungs, and scaring the shit out of my ambivalent roommates. It was one of the five greatest moments I have ever had on a couch in my life.

Of course, the comeback wasn’t complete until Alexi Casilla singled home Nick Punto in the tenth inning, but by that point I was so winded, and my hand hurt so much from pounding the wall I could barely move. I was spent.

Luckily, the fact that I had no energy left didn’t matter since, you know, the Twins crapped away the Royals series and lost game 163.

At least we’ll always have that one game against the White Sox though.

Likeability – 8

Carlos Gomez was new and exciting in 2008. Between his weird relationship with Alexi Casilla, and the ridiculous joy I got out of watching interviews Gomez (especially the feature on him and Casilla -- I understood exactly three things they said) the 2008 Twins had some enjoyable characters.

With the old reliable fan favorites like Mauer and Morneau, and guys like Span emerging there was a lot to enjoy about the 2008 Twins.

The fact that they truly weren’t expected to compete, and were seen as all but a rebuilding project really made they even more fun to watch. Where as in other years the “little engine that could” mentality was annoying, it actually fit in 2008, and was actually enjoyable.

Intangibles – 6

One of my favorite subplots of the 2008 season was the relationship between the starting pitchers.

Blackburn, Slowey, Baker, and Perkins always sat together in the dugout, and I figure they thought of themselves as an exclusive little club that didn’t want other members. This was especially funny to me because they are all goofy looking white guys and the fifth man in the rotation (at least later in the year) was Liriano.

I guess I just kind of pictured Liriano asking to join their clique, the four other pitchers laughing at him and telling him he doesn’t belong, then going to cause mischief down by the old mill while Liriano sat in his kitchen and stared sadly out the window.

This would also explain why Liriano sucked in 2009. He was sad and lonely.

…Yeah. What can I say? Other than that game against the White Sox there wasn’t a whole lot going on in 2008.

Overall – 26

In looking back at 2008, the season was really made by one game. Luckily, that one game was one of the most enjoyable of the decade.

In a nutshell Denard Span jumping up and down like a mad man carried the 2008 season to number 4 on this list.

I Know, I know. Sorry, but I'm Adjusting.

2010-01-13T18:33:00.005-06:00

Ok, so here is the deal. I started new job on Monday, and am still trying to get into a routine/get the feel for my new lifestyle (aka not going to bed in the single digits and waking up in the double digits).

I know I haven't written anything since Monday (well, technically Sunday night) which means my Decade Retrospective series has hit a speed bump. For now.

I have not abandoned you all, I promise. If I don't post something in the next couple of days (which I intend to) I will certainly put a couple of things together this weekend. The series will be finished. I promise.

Fact is, I am in no frame of mind to be writing anyway, and what I pump out would be vastly inferior. For this reason, I have decided to hold off a few extra days and give you all quality reading (well, quality by the standars I have set here, at least) instead of pumping something crappy out faster.

In the meantime, please feel free go back and read the decade retrospective seasons I have actually completed, and everything else in my archive (both found on the sidebar). And, again, follow me on Twitter. I am stuck on 60 followers and that makes me sad. Turn my frown upside down!

Lastly, check out this excerpt from Hardball Times writer Chris Jaffe's book Evaluating Baseball's Managers, 1876-2008 about Tom Kelly. Very interesting stuff.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: Off Day

2010-01-11T20:13:00.004-06:00

I apologize, but I am taking a day off. I started a new job today and am far too drained to write somethign that will be coherent, let alone intereseting. I still plan on finishing up the countdown this week, which means I will be doubling up posts one of the days, and/or posting on the weekend. I promise I am not abandoning you, I just need a blogging day off.

In the meantime, read the other entries in the series. And, of course, follow me on Twitter.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2001

2010-01-10T18:13:00.018-06:00

It’s a new week, which means I am dipping into the Twins top five best seasons of the decade. If you haven’t read last week’s entries yet, you should check them out. You should also follow me a Twitter. That’s what all the cool kids are doing.

Without a player in the starting lineup or starting rotation older than 30, the 2001 Twins were going to sink or swim with youth. Hardly a new phenomenon for the ever-frugal Twins, fans were understandably skeptical with the 2001 squad -– the same team had lost 93 games the year before after all.

The 2001 Twins, however, flew out to a 15-3 start, and the team’s fans, equal parts confused and excited, began to wonder if they were for real.

When the Twins followed up an 18-6 April with a 16-11 May, Twins fans truly began to believe. The ever-entertaining team built on speed and defense had sucked everyone in with a group of players who were actually likeable. For the first time in about ten years, there was a buzz surrounding the Twins. We were all in.

Unsurprisingly, after spending 96 days in first place, the team faltered after their unbelievable start, and tapered off in the second half to finish with an 85-77 record, good for second place.

Disappointing finish aside, the 2001 season was an undeniable success for a franchise that hadn’t caught a whiff of a .500 record since 1992. And, most importantly, 2001 reenergized a fan base that had been dormant for years, and set up an amazing decade that featured five playoff appearances and eight winning seasons.

If you don’t know the criteria by now, I am offended that you haven’t been reading my other entries. But, if you need a review, click here. And, remember, I know memorableness still isn’t a word.

Successfulness – 4

I struggled with ranking the 2001 Twins in terms of success. While the team didn’t make the playoffs, 2001 was one of the more important seasons of the decade because of the way it set up the Twins forthcoming success.

In the end, I decided to rank the teams on more technical success in order to be more consistent. So with that in mind, and because I still don’t know who the fuck John Barnes is, the 2001 Twins check in with a successfulness score of 4.

That comes, with all due respect to how important the 2001 Twins were in setting up the rest of the decade.

Memorableness – 6

What I remember most about 2001 isn’t so much the Twins on-field play. I most remember the off-field buzz.

I was in eighth grade in 2001, and I remember as the Twins started their late spring/early summer run, all the “Twins fans” began coming out of the woodwork. Was it annoying to see all these people who had been ignoring the Twins for years suddenly become fans? Of course, but at that point I figured I would take what I could get.

Minnesota is a staunchly fair-weather fan base, so I was just happy to know that (a) people were actually talking about the Twins and (b) I was way better than all these bastards who didn’t know who Scott Klingenbeck was. (When I was in third grade a classmate responded to something I said with the rhetorical phrase “tell me something I don’t know.” To this I responded that Dave Hollins leads the Twins in home runs -– which he did at the time –- because I knew that was something he didn’t know. What can I say? I was a weird little kid.)

Point being, I followed the Twins through all the crap, so I felt smugly superior to all the fake fair weather fans. Plus, I legitimately enjoyed the Twins success, unlike everyone else who only pretended to enjoy it to be “cool.”

Likeability – 7

The 2001 Twins introduced us to a new cast of characters, and more importantly, a cast of characters we actually enjoyed. Doug Mientkiewicz became a quick fan favorite because his hot start helped propel the Twins early season run. Not to mention his weird name and hot kindergarten teaching wife.

Torii Hunter energized both teammates and fans with his infectious energy, and after several years of up-and-down play, Hunter broke out with 27 HR, 92 RBI.

Throw in A.J. Pierzynski (the trash talker), Cristian Guzman (the fast guy), Corey Koskie (the Canadian), and Brad Radke and Matt Lawton (fan favorites from the 90s) and you have a wholly likeable team.

And, of course, let us not forget Jason Maxwell.

Intangibles – 7

Everyone was confused in 2001.

The fans. The front office. Sports Illustrated. Everyone.

Naturally, this led to the above groups all overreacting to the Twins success.

The Fans: For a group that had completely forgotten what a good baseball team looked like, the 2001 Twins were a godsend. The problem, of course, was that nobody knew how to react, so we overrated everyone. Mientkiwicz was the best hitter in the league. Brad Radke was a legit ace. Joe Mays had talent. All of these claims were ridiculous, of course, but, hey, we didn’t know any better.

We were just happy to have a real team.

The Front Office: The Twins front office forgot what a winning team looks like. Because of this, they got confused and traded a veteran player at the trade deadline, because that’s what they always did. The difference was they traded that veteran for another veteran. What can I say, they were confused.

I am, of course, talking about the Lawton for Rick Reed trade. Now, technically this wasn’t a bad trade. Reed and Lawton were similar talent-wise, but it just so happened that Lawton was also the Twins most consistent hitter. While the trade ended up working out fine (the Twins almost certainly wouldn’t have made the playoffs with Lawton, and Reed had a solid 2002 campaign) it was a questionable move at the time, especially since the Twins didn’t replace Lawton’s bat.

Sports Illustrated: Matt Lawton on the cover of Sports Illustrated in April, under the headline, “Do you Believe in Miracles?" And while it was certainly exciting (and terrifying) to have the Twins on the cover of Sports Illustrated, I feel like the magazine jumped the gun a little with that story. Probably should have held off until June for the token small-market-team-gives-the-league-a-shocker piece.

So what did all this mass confusion do? Why it made for a very entertaining 2001 of course.

Overall – 24

Had 2001 taken place after 2002, it certainly would have landed much lower on this list. The Twins featured a competitive team, but ultimately feel short of the playoffs.

Ranking 2001 is a lot different than the other years, however. With the post-Puckett Twins of the 90s running out players like Orlando Merced, Darrin Jackson, Greg Colbrunn, Greg Swindell, Gregg Olson, Scott Klingenbeck, Otis Nixon, Bob Tewksbury, Dave Hollins, Roberto Kelly, and Jose Parra, among many others, Twins fans were hungry, nay starving, for a legitimately successful team.

The 2001 Twins were able to satiate fans appetites by proving the team could be competitive once again.

The 2001 Twins returned hope to a franchise that everyone had deemed hopeless.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2003

2010-01-07T19:26:00.007-06:00

Today’s entry in my decade retrospective series will round out the week, as well as the bottom half of my list. Check out the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th place entries if you haven’t done so yet. Also, since I am shameless, self-promoting whore, follow me on Twitter here. I just like the ego feed of acquiring new followers.

2003 was a make or break year for the Twins. Coming off their surprising 2002 playoff run, everyone was waiting to see if the Twins were legit, or simply an aberration (a word that has particularly evil connotations for me because the first time I heard it was at age 14 from the mouth of Bud Selig as he threatened to contract the Twins).

After a paltry first half in which the Twins compiled a 44-49 record (and witnessed a surprise charge from the Kansas City Royals) the Twins, fueled by Shannon Stewart, turned things around in the second half. A 46-23 post-All Star record allowed the Twins to take control of the division and return to the playoffs.

Falling just outside the top five best seasons of the aughts are another playoff disappointment, the 2003 Twins and their 90-72 record.

Criteria review, memorableness isn’t a word, blah, blah blah, onto the ratings…

Successfulness – 6

Both 2003 and 2004 were playoff years that felt nondescript. Defining moments were hard to come by for those two seasons, but the Twins took advantage of a weak Central Division and weaseled their way into the playoffs.

Out of the original run of playoff years (’02, ’03, ’04) 2003 was, by all accounts, the least successful.

After compiling the lowest number of wins from an “original run” Twins teams, the 2003 squad made a little noise by winning game one of the ALDS. Of course, they followed the surprising game one victory with three straight losses in which they scored a total of three runs, in a frustrating, albeit unsurprising, end to the season.

Like 2004, however, the Twins made the playoffs and therefore must be considered a success. And if anyone implies otherwise, the Twins will send, let’s say, Mike Radcliff to kill us all.

Memorableness – 5

There was only one thing that made 2003 memorable. And that wasn’t a thing, but a man.

Shannon Stewart.

After a lackluster start to the season, Twins fans were becoming increasingly worried that 2002, while fun, was nothing more than a one-time deal. These were, after all, the Twins.

Heading into the All Star break with a 44-49 record, it was obvious to everyone that if the Twins wanted to be more than a Daniel Powter-like one year wonder, they had to make a change. And that change came in the form of Shannon Stewart.

In one of the most inexplicably lopsided trades this side of the A.J. Pierzynski deal, the Twins received not only Stewart, but also a player to be named later (who turned out to be Dave Gassner, a pitcher who threw approximately 40 MPH and pitched a good game against the Indians once) for Bobby Kielty.

Kielty, who looks like a cross between Heat Miser and Carrot Top, was, contrary to some Twins fans’ beliefs, nothing more than a solid fourth outfielder. Netting an excellent leadoff hitter in Stewart for a spare part outfielder was an amazing deal for the Twins. (Signing Stewart to a three year contract after the season? Not such a great deal.)

Aside from being a solid addition, Stewart was also central to the defining moment of the 2003 season.

Facing the Angels in early December, the Twins went into the bottom of the ninth trailing 5-4 and facing Twin killer Troy Percival. With Dustan Mohr on first, Stewart lined a ball down the left field line. The ensuing play featured approximately four errors, six overthrows, at least one Molina broken arm, and Snookie getting punched in the face. Needless to say, it was chaos.

The result?

Mohr scores, Stewart scores, Twins win, and the cast of the Jersey Shore bonds together, fulfilling their dream of being a “real family.”

Just a magical day all around.

Likeability – 6

Because the core of the “original run” remained mostly the same, it is hard to really differentiate between each team. 2002 was the first of the playoff years, so that team holds a special place in Twins lore, but once 2003 rolled around, we were kind of used to the competing.

The familiarity wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, because the core the Twins featured was an incredibly likeable group, but once they were expected to compete, we craved a superstar that really stood out.

In 2003, we latched on to Stewart, and experienced a very enjoyable run with the leftfielder. With the rest of the team playing their to-be-expected enjoyable style, and Stewart (as well as Johan Santana) emerging in the second half, the 2003 Twins proved to be a likeable, although unspectacular team.

Intangibles – 5

As I said before, both the 2003 and 2004 teams were fairly nondescript. Both seasons were undeniably enjoyable, but when Twins fans look back, 2003 and 2004 certainly won’t be seasons that stand above the rest from an excellent decade. Thus, the scores for those years fall right in the middle of this list.

What can be said about 2003, however, is that it was the first year we got a taste of Justin Morneau.

And, while it was just a taste -- he still needed a little time to simmer -- those first bites sure were delicious.

I think we all remember the game in Milwaukee when Morneau launched a home run to dead center, taking out a chunk of the Brewer scoreboard. Not only was the blast epic, but anytime you take a chunk out of Wisconsin, you had a damn good day.

Couple the mammoth Milwaukee blast with his Kansas City bomb that went out of Kauffman stadium, and our first glimpses of Morneau had our mouths watering at the power potential soon coming our way.

Overall – 22

2003 and 2004 were very similar years for the Twins, and thus, these seasons received very similar overall scores.

While playoff years are always enjoyable, I am of the belief that unless there are several moments that truly stand out, a team that loses early in the playoffs is no better than a memorable team that barely misses the postseason.

Yes, the playoffs are an obvious measure of success, but from the standpoint of a fan, if the playoff memories quickly fade, then a regular season that stays with you is truly more enjoyable. And that, ladies and gentleman, is the reason two playoff years fell outside the top five of this list.

Hopefully, the Twins will forgive me for denigrating seasons that are supposed to epitomize the ultimate Minnesota success, and spare me the wrath of Mike Radcliff.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2004

2010-01-07T00:08:00.008-06:00

I’m continuing my Twins decade retrospective today with the 7th best season of the aughts. Check out the 8th, 9th, or 10th place entries if you haven’t done so yet. Also, if you just can’t get enough of those pesky 2000 Twins (and really, who can?) check out Erin’s piece at Picked Off at First. Good stuff.

I don’t want to say that by 2004 Twins playoff appearances had become cache, per se. But, well, after two straight playoff berths, and a solid core of talent still intact, a 2004 playoff appearance was pretty much assumed.

The Twins fulfilled the playoff promise by easily wrapping up a third straight division title, but unfortunately followed the division title up with a less-than-shocking playoff exit against the Yankees.

Was it a good year? Sure.

Was it a great year? Hardly.

When a team is in the playoffs for the third straight time, they should at least be making progress. The 2004 Twins, however, again stalled out in the ALDS. Granted, they should have won game two, which would have put them up 2-0 on the Yankees, and likely would have led to them winning the series, but that did not happen.

Very much because of the disappointing end, 2004 slots in as the 7th best season of the decade.

I’d review rules again, but instead you can just click here, here, or here because I am too lazy to copy and paste. Just remember, yes, I am still aware memorableness isn’t actually word.

On to the ratings…

Successfulness – 7

Obviously, 2004 was at least a fairly successful season for the Twins. Any time a team makes the playoffs it is impossible to say they failed, but 2004 certainly felt like the worst of the playoff years.

Individually, other than Johan Santana and his first Cy Young, nobody on the team had played great. A lot of solid years, but nothing great.

Solid play leads to a solid finish, but the team proved to lack a little something in the playoffs.

Of course, the year probably would have turned out very differently if Joe Mauer hadn’t gotten hurt, as his replacement, Henry Blanco (or Hank White as my friend and I called him – clever, I know), left something to be desired.

In the end, the Twins won the division. And because playoff berths are the measure of success in Minnesota baseball land, I guess we aren’t allowed to complain.

Memorableness – 4

If you would like to argue that 4 is a low memorableness score for a playoff team, well, screw off and start your own blog. I’m giving 2004 a 4.

Everything good that happened in 2004, turned sour very quickly. Observe:

Joe Mauer makes his debut on opening day against the Indians and goes 2 for 5 in a game the Twins win behind an 11th inning walk of home run from Shannon Stewart. (This was one of the best Twins games I have ever attended. It went so late we got home at like 3 in the morning. Not to mention the next day in my English class the substitute teacher informed us he was tired because he had been at the Twins game the night before, to which I responded, “hey, me too,” before going back to sleep. Good times.)

One day later, Mauer blows out his knee.

The Twins make the playoffs and manage to steal game one in New York behind Johan Santana stellar pitching. In game two, the Twins score two runs in the top of the eighth and take the game into extra innings. After scoreless tenth and eleventh innings, Torii Hunter cracks a solo home run in the top of the twelfth, giving the Twins the lead.

A half inning later, Ron Gardenhire leaves Joe Nathan in the game in lieu of Jesse Crain and the Twins lose. (This still pisses me off; which, of course, is ironic because I am mad because Crain DIDN’T pitch. Weird.)

Following the devastating game two loss, the Twins unsurprisingly drop game three. Game four, however, proves to be another close contest (complete with the guy sitting behind me and my friend calling Henry “Hank White” Blanco’s home run in one of the most randomly ridiculous moments I have ever witnessed). Up 5-1 after seven innings, the Twins appear poised to send the game back to New York.

A half inning later, Juan Rincon coughs up the lead, capped off by a three run homer by 90-year-old Ruben Sierra. Twins end up losing the game, and series, in extra innings.
So as you can see, even the Twins good moments in 2004, actually turned out to be shitty.

Likeability – 5

The 2004 Twins were very nondescript. The team was very similar to the 2003 squad, aside from the arrival (and quick departure) of Mauer, and arrival of Joe Nathan.

A lot of excitement surrounded Mauer, obviously, but the team’s likeability score dropped dramatically with his injury. The Morneau for Mientkiewicz swap also helped, but people still seemed to like Mientkiewicz for whatever reason so that slight squirleness from fans makes for a lower score.

Plus, Morneau wouldn’t fulfill his full likeability until 2006. In 2004, he was just kind of there.

The fact is, 2004 Twins belonged to Torii Hunter, but Hunter was taken for granted at that point, thus the team falls right in the middle with a likeability score of 5.

Intangibles – 4

A. Johan Santana wins a Cy Young = good.

B. Joe Mauer blows out knee = bad.

C. Michael Restovich + Terry Tiffee + Michael Ryan = Worst trio in the history of random-young-guys-fans-were-inexplicably-excited-about.

I just remember creating Restovich on whatever baseball game I was playing on PS2 at the time. I gave him Mike Piazza’s batting stance, made him a shitty hitter, and watched him fly out almost every time he batted. Seemed fitting

D. Augie Ojeda randomly hitting .339 in 49 Abs = randomly enjoyable

So to complete the equation, A+B+C+D = 4. There you go.

Overall - 20

Because I really have nothing else to say, I would like to return to the Torii Hunter home run from game two of the ALDS to tell one more story:

I got together with some friends to watch the game. Throughout the evening, whenever something good happened I would yell, “NOW YOU”RE A MAN!” and my friend would respond, “M-A-N MAN!” (If you are wondering, that was the chorus to the theme song to Orgazmo. What can I say, we were in high school, and we were douche bags.)

Random Orgazmo-themed glee was enjoyable enough, but a potentially legendary night only grew from there. Following the eleventh inning, one of our friends had to leave (which is inexcusable, but I digress). As Hunter was batting in the twelfth, my friend calls me to ask how the game is going. Right as I am responding, “It’s still tied” Hunter cracks a home run. Without skipping a beat, I scream, “not anymore!” into the phone and toss it aside as my other friends and I begin jumping up and down in a homoerotic 17-year-old excite-fest.

We were pumped for the obvious reason, but also because the “now you’re a man/it’s still tied…no it’s not!” moments were about to go down in lore for my group of friends.

Of course, the Twins ended up losing the game and the series, and we ended up never speaking of those moments again.

I feel like that story epitomizes the 2004 Twins…

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2007

2010-01-05T17:51:00.005-06:00

I’m continuing my Twins decade retrospective today with the 8th best season of the aughts. If you haven’t read the 9th place entry check it out here. And if you haven’t seen the 10th place entry, or need a refresher on the rules click here. Also, if you enjoy offseason countdowns check out Josh’s Johnson’s top 50 Twins prospects series, and Andrew Kneeland’s top 15 Twins prospects series. Both solid prospecting.

2007 deserves a special place in decade history because it served as a bridge between the early aughts Twins, and the late aughts Twins. Brad Radke retired before the season, Torii Hunter and Johan Santana were on the way out, and it was quite obvious to everyone that the Twins had become Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau’s team.

The 2007 Twins were in a state of flux, and not everyone would make it through the transition.

With two fan favorites facing contract situations (Hunter and Santana) and the team facing future budget concerns (Mauer and Morneau) it was pretty obvious that 2007 was the end of the line for at least one big name.

Heading into the 2007 offseason, however, Twins fans held out hope that the team could reach deals with Hunter and Santana, or at the very least Hunter or Santana. Neither happened.

I think everyone knew in the back of their mind the Twins weren’t going to sign both players, but nobody wanted to admit it. And, while it is easy to say in hindsight the Twins massively fucked up both moves, it is really hard to argue with the theory at the time.

That, however, is an argument for another day. Today we are looking at what makes 2007 the 8th best season of the Twins decade.

Let’s review the criteria before we move onto the ratings:

Successfulness: This one is pretty simple. Most successful team gets the highest score, least successful team gets the lowest score, and the rest fall somewhere in between. More cut and dry than the others, but there is some room for debate.

Memorableness: First off, yes, I know memorableness isn’t a word. I don’t care. Deal with it. This category is simply both how memorable the year was as a whole, and how many single moments stand out.

Likeability: This will be mostly about how likeable the team was, and how enjoyable they were to watch as a fan.

Intangibles: Other basic randomness that makes the year more or less enjoyable.

Overall: The overall score will be the total of the other four categories added up. In other words, 40 is a perfect score, and 4 is me in calculus (epic failure). However, once I have assigned a 1 in a category, no other season can receive a score of 1. I will be ranking each category 1-10, making a perfect (or anti-perfect) score highly unlikely.

Successfulness – 2

The 2007 Twins never really had enough to compete. The team was relying far too heavily on repeat performances from Nick Punto, a patched-together rotation, and a mystery DH.

Coupled with injuries to Mauer, and offensive regressions from almost everyone, the Twins holes were pretty much insurmountable. Because of these issues, the Twins ended with only their second sub-.500 season of the decade (79-83) and another third place finish.

With the end of the season, the fate of the Twins was altered forever. The most important offseason of the decade was botched, and the fate of the franchise was altered completely.

All because of one man and his elbow:

Francisco Liriano.

Consider the following assumption-laden scenario:

Liriano never gets hurt. He dominates all the way through 2006, and the Twins head into 2007 with two healthy aces in Santana and Liriano.

Having the foresight to realize they can’t keep both pitchers, one of whom is young and cheap; the other about to get a gigantic pay raise, the Twins put Santana on the market with two years left on his contract. The return for Santana following his 2006 Cy Young is impossible to say, but it certainly would have been far superior to the crappy quartet of Mets, and likely would have included truly talented, Major Leauge ready pitchers.

Instead of all the contractual uncertainties, the team settles on a 2007 rotation that features Liriano/Silva/Baker/trade piece(s).

The Twins probably still wouldn’t have made the playoffs, but the team would have been set up very well for 2008.

Then, with plenty of young talent already in pocket, the Twins could have locked up Hunter, instead of taking part in the merry-go-round of trades. Granted, the Twins finances would have been almost completely tied up in Morneau, Mauer, Cuddyer, and Hunter, but the team would have had enough young, cheap talent to make up for this problem.

Basically, Liriano’s elbow injury is to blame for every problem since 2006.

Memorableness – 3

2007 was memorable for me because I attended the Twins vs. White Sox series in Chicago featuring a Friday double header. Some highlights of said double header:

Game 1
- Twins scored 20 runs.
- Carmen Cali tries as hard as he can to throw game by giving up 4 runs in the ninth, but the Twins hold on for a tense 20-14 victory.
- Game lasts approximately 312740332087 hours in approximately 3203870483 degree heat, resulting in my group taking turns filling up a water cup to be passed a round.
- I, for the first time in my life look forward to the end of a baseball game by proclaiming: “When the fuck is this game going to end?”

Game 2
- Justin Morneau hits three home runs.
- My buddy drops one of said home runs, resulting in an angry serial killer face for the rest of the game.
- Twins win 12-0.
- Buddy murders a hooker.

As far as you and the state of Illinois know, one of those things didn’t happen. The rest are completely true. Certainly a memorable day, but I am pretty sure I lost 20 lbs in sweat that weekend.

(For the record, we went to the next two games as well, but the highlight of those games was Vince Vaughn being shown on the jumbotron. The weather was equally hot, and the Twins lost the Saturday and Sunday games, so aside from the doubleheader, the rest of the weekend kind of blew.

The worst part of that series, by the way, was how much I enjoyed the White Sox pregame jumbotron montage. An awesome highlight video coupled with the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song, topped off by the Thunderstruck leading the White Sox onto the field is the best pregame introduction I have ever seen. Why did it have to be done by the White Sox? I hate myself for liking it.)

Likeability – 2

2007 was the year that everyone bitched about Joe Mauer being a pussy, even though it turned out he was actually hurt. This was kind of a downer, if you ask me.

Additionally, the Twins were coming off 2006, one of the most enjoyable teams of the decade, setting up the 2007 team for an inevitable likeability letdown.

The losses of Radke and Liriano led to minus five likeability points, and the addition of Ponson and Ortiz led to minus 91074827408 likeability points. Luckily, the ever-delightful Tommy Watkin’s September call-up brought the team’s final likeability score to 2. Don’t question the math, just accept it.

Intangibles – 2

The random highlights about 2007 were pretty much all bad things: Santana’s last year, Hunter’s last year, Jason Tyner’s 328 plate appearances.

Not good.

Really, 2007 was much more about the offseason than the season itself. Hunter’s Thanksgiving Del Taco signing, and Twins fans’ refusal to leave their computers throughout the Winter Meetings were the storylines that 2007 were all about.

On the field, Hunter’s emotional last game at the Metrodome will stand out, but will become almost completely forgotten with time. I do, however, remember watching that and feeling like everyone knew he wasn’t coming back. Yet, in the back of my mind, and right up until he actually signed with the Angels, I told myself he would re-sign.

And you know what? I said at the time the Twins shouldn’t have let Hunter walk, and I still believe it now.

Torii Hunter is exactly what the Twins need.

Underrated offensive ability aside, the team lacks a level of intensity that Hunter brought. Losing Hunter was far worse than losing Santana, because the Twins actually had a shot at keeping Torii.

Overall – 10

2007 is the first season of the decade to crack double digits in my scoring system, so things get a whole lot rosier from here on out. In fact, with 2000, 2005, and 2007 out of the way, the rest of the decade looks pretty good.

Really, the entire decade could have been divided into two groups:

Group 1: 2000, 2005, 2007

Group 2: 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2008, 2009

On one side you have the years that were at least somewhat enjoyable, and on the other you have years that pretty much completely sucked.

2007, my friends, completely sucked.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2005

2010-01-04T21:01:00.004-06:00

I’m continuing my Twins decade retrospective today with the 9th best season of the decade. If you haven’t read the 10th place entry yet, or need a refresher on the rules, check both out here.

When one of the best things about the year is a goofy looking Australian guy batting .425 in very limited play, your team probably didn’t fair very well.

Enter Glenn Williams and the 2005 Minnesota Twins.

After three straight playoff berths, the Twins had high expectations in 2005. Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau’s arrival, coupled with Brad Radke, Johan Santana, Torii Hunter, and Joe Nathan had Twins fans thinking beyond the ALDS.

However, below-expectation play from Mauer and Morneau, an ankle injury to Hunter, and a black hole for an infield derailed the Twins high hopes and led to an 83-79, third-place finish; their third worst showing of the decade.

Let’s review the criteria before we move onto the ratings:

Successfulness: This one is pretty simple. Most successful team gets the highest score, least successful team gets the lowest score, and the rest fall somewhere in between. More cut and dry than the others, but there is some room for debate.

Memorableness: First off, yes, I know memorableness isn’t a word. I don’t care. Deal with it. This category is simply both how memorable the year was as a whole, and how many single moments stand out.

Likeability: This will be mostly about how likeable the team was, and how enjoyable they were to watch as a fan.

Intangibles: Other basic randomness that makes the year more or less enjoyable.

Overall: The overall score will be the total of the other four categories added up. In other words, 40 is a perfect score, and 4 is me in calculus (epic failure). However, once I have assigned a 1 in a category, no other season can receive a score of 1. I will be ranking each category 1-10, making a perfect (or anti-perfect) score highly unlikely.

Successfulness – 3

In hindsight, the Twins lack of success in 2005 isn’t actually all that surprising. The only established bats the team had were Hunter, Jacque Jones, and Shannon Stewart; each solid in their own right, but none truly capable of carrying a team – with all due respect to Stewart’s spark-plugging in 2003.

The problem with the 2005 Twins was Mauer (age 22) and Morneau (age 24) were basically told to carry the offense, a nearly impossible task for such young players.
To put this in perspective, I’m 22 and I can barely function in day-to-day society, so I can’t even imagine someone telling me I am now the most integral part of their organization. I feel like that scenario would end poorly.

Point being, hinging your team’s entire offensive success on two guys who have yet to play a full season of Major League Baseball is going to end poorly 93.2% of the time. A stat I call WHOOPS. And, yes, I created a complex mathematical formula you won’t understand to arrive at WHOOPS, so you know it’s legit.

Seriously though, the Twins offense was awful in 2005, which led directly to the team’s subpar season. Of course, eventually you have to throw your young players into the mix, and doing so helped prepare Mauer and Morneau to lead the 2006 Twins to a 96-66 record. Basically, 2005, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, probably saved 2006. (Yep, you just got Nicholsoned.)

Memorableness – 2

The one thing I will always remember 2005 for was a misjudged right hook. I call it the “Punto Punch.”

At the end of 2005 when the Twins were farting along and Justin Morneau was apparently out doing body shots of hookers every night (note: probably not true), the injured and ultra-competitive Torii Hunter became fed up with the team’s play.

Hunter, believing Morneau needed an attitude adjustment, took a swing at the first baseman, somehow missing his large, Canadian head and making contact with Nick Punto instead. A moment that is somewhere in the top 10 of things I wish I had witnessed in person. I just love imagining the “Punto Punch” scenario playing out. The thought of Punto getting socked in the head by Hunter is indescribably remarkable. Plus I’m sure the look on Punto’s face was his “just-flew-out-to-center” look of disgust. You all know what I am talking about.

The punch, while completely ridiculous and probably a poor decision, turned out to be step one in a two step process of turning Morneau into an MVP. (With the second step, of course, being the most homoerotic move in the history of franchise altering moves: Mauer and Morneau moving in together. More on this in the 2006 entry.)

Other than the “Punto Punch?” Not a whole lot going on in 2005.

Likeability – 2

2005 was weird because you had the old fan favorites in Hunter, Radke, and Santana mixed in with the new fan favorites in Mauer and Morneau. The whole thing just created a mess.

The problem was Mauer and Morneau weren’t really deserving of the “fan favorite” tag yet, and it just confused everyone.

We wanted to root for the new guys, but they weren’t that good yet. And we wanted to root for the old guys, but damn, look at those sideburns. It was just an awkward, uncomfortable situation that ended with everyone playing poorly.

Basically, it wasn’t so much that the 2005 Twins weren’t likeable, they just didn’t mesh yet and it seemed to create a favoritism divide.

Luckily, we had Glenn Williams to unite us.

Intangibles – 1

There was really nothing randomly enjoyable about the 2005 Twins. They just petered along all year, never went on a big winning streak, and never really had enough to compete. Aside from a 15-8 April, they were completely mediocre all year.

The only thing that stands out about the 2005 Twins is they were so inept offensively, that Brad Radke (who pitched 200 innings) had ten no decisions. Ten! Seriously, he was 9-12. That shouldn’t happen. It seemed like every time Radke pitched, he gave up a few runs, the offense would score a few runs, and the game ended up being decided in the eighth or ninth inning.

And, actually, after stat-digging deeper, the entire rotation had at least 10 no decisions except Kyle Lohse who had nine. The solid rotation, and fairly deep bullpen, wasn’t nearly enough to make up for the Twins abysmal offense.

And the worst part about the pitching/hitting disparity was that although the games were close, they were never exciting. Probably because everyone knew the Twins would end up losing 3-2 or 2-1 or something shitty along those lines. Hell, I think I was at a game when Jacque Jones hit a walk off home run, and even that was boring.

Couple the boredom with Santana getting hosed for Cy Young and the Bret Boone experience, and 2005 struggled in the excitement department.

Overall – 8

In looking at the 2005 Twins Baseball Reference page, it becomes pretty obvious why the team was so forgettable: they sucked.

Almost everyone on the team had their worst season. Mauer and Morneau were a year away from becoming Mauer and Morneau. Torii Hunter was hurt. And Shannon Stewart was thrown off by everybody else’s crappiness. Not a good year.

Even if the offense had been decent, however, the Twins probably did not have enough to compete with the 90+ win White Sox and Indians. Sure the Twins had a solid pitching staff, but claiming an offensively superior would have won 90 games is bold. And probably too much so.

It just wasn’t the Twins year.

What was the worst part about 2005, though? The White Sox won the World Series. What a terrible fucking year.

Minnesota Twins Decade Retrospective: 2000

2010-01-02T19:04:00.005-06:00

As I mentioned in a hastily (and poorly) written introduction last week, I am diving into a Twins year-by-year decade retrospective. Instead of doing the seasons in order, however, I have decided to rank each year from best to worst using a scoring system.

I will analyze each season based on these categories:

Successfulness: This one is pretty simple. Most successful team gets the highest score, least successful team gets the lowest score, and the rest fall somewhere in between. More cut and dry than the others, but there is some room for debate.

Memorableness: First off, yes, I know memorableness isn’t a word. I don’t care. Deal with it. This category is simply both how memorable the year was as a whole, and how many single moments stand out.

Likeability: This will be mostly about how likeable the team was, and how enjoyable they were to watch as a fan.

Intangibles: Other basic randomness that makes the year more or less enjoyable.

Overall: The overall score will be the total of the other four categories added up. In other words, 40 is a perfect score, and 4 is me in calculus (epic failure). However, once I have assigned a 1 in a category, no other season can receive a score of 1. I will be ranking each category 1-10, making a perfect (or anti-perfect) score highly unlikely.

Make sense? If not, it will soon enough.

So without further ado, onto the tenth best season of the decade…

The 2000 Minnesota Twins sucked. A lot.

If you had to say something nice about the team, it would be that between Jacque Jones, David Ortiz, Torii Hunter, Cristian Guzman, Corey Koskie, Eric Milton, and A.J. Pierzynski the Twins appeared to have some solid young talent. Of course, the potential talent was bridged by Ron Coomer, so naturally fans were skeptical. Plus, everyone was still shell-shocked by Scott Stahoviak and friends from the 1990s.

Very much the anti-Stahoviaks, the 2000 core went on to kick-start the (arguably) most successful decade in Twins history.

Obviously at the time, however, nobody saw a decade of success coming, and 2000 – thankfully -- proved to be the worst season of the decade.

Successfulness – 1

From every imaginable standpoint, the 2000 Twins were the least successful team of the decade. They finished in last place with a 69-93 record, featured one all star and precisely zero players who would even be considered for any postseason award. Well, other than least-talented-fan-favorite, an award that would almost certainly go to Ron Coomer. (I’m not piling on the Coom Dawg. I love the Coom Dawg too. But come on. In hindsight, ugh. Just ugh.)

The only successful thing about the 2000 Twins is that it would be the last year the team completely sucked. Of course, at the time, nobody knew this.

Memorableness - 1

There is only one game I remember from 2000, and that was when Ron Coomer, Jacque Jones, and Matthew LeCroy hit back-to-back-to-back home runs against the Royals.

Conversely, the 2000 Twins featured the only player from the decade I don’t remember: John Barnes.

Who the fuck is John Barnes?

In combing through Baseball Reference, I remember literally everyone (even the random pitchers who threw like three total innings) from the decade. It pisses me off to no end that I don’t remember John Barnes. I should know who John Barnes is. This is going to drive me crazy for a very, very long time.

Of course, I was also 13 at the time, so I was probably busier trying to figure out how to discreetly watch porn than worry about John Barnes. In hindsight, I am pleased with that decision.

Team Likeability: 1

It’s not so much that I disliked the 2000 Twins; they were just very meh. I mean, aside from Midre Cummings and Butch Huskey, they didn’t even have the random veterans I enjoyed in the 90s.

Just a completely meh team.

Intangibles: 3

Remember when Butch Huskey ran into the left field wall? That was fun.

Also, according to Wikipedia, the Twins started their Hall of Fame in 2000. That has to be worth a few points right?

Overall: 6

The obvious choice for worst season of the decade, the 2000 Twins just managed to avoid the dreaded lowest-score-possible.

Honestly, I just felt bad giving them a 4. Jay Canizaro deserves better.

Twins Decade in Review

2009-12-30T13:10:00.003-06:00

Twins fans last memory of the 2000s is a panicked Nick Punto scrambling hopelessly back to third base.

A microcosm of Twins baseball in the aughts.

Twins fans last happy memory of 2000s is Carlos Gomez leaping triumphantly in the air as Bobby Keppel, Mike Redmond, Matt Guerrier, and Matt Tolbert rush to meet him.

A microcosm of Twins baseball in the aughts.

Whether the moment is a should-be utility player sucking the life out of 55,000 screaming fans, or five mediocre players celebrating an improbable victory, the Twins decade featured its ups and downs.

Like any team (other than the Pirates) the Twins of the aughts had their good moments, and their bad moments. They appeared in half of the American League Division Series, but only 1/10 of the American Championship Series, and, of course, zero World Series.

They created a persona of scrappiness: the Minnesota Fightin’ Fundies – a perception that plagues them, albeit incorrectly, into the 2000-teens.

They created a small market blueprint.

They created a franchise mantra of pitching, speed and defense.

They created memories both good and bad.

Starting next Monday, I am going to write a year-by-year review of Twins baseball in the 2000s. Ten years in ten days. Suspiciously convenient, I know.

Until then, here is some shameless self promotion:

Follow me on Twitter.

Check out my Get to Know Em Twins Blogger interview at Topper Anton’s Curve for a Strike. While there, make sure to read the other Twins blogger interviews, and Topper’s Twins analysis as well. Always a fun site to read.

Also, thanks to Seth Stohs for the shout out on his site. Seth Speaks, as I am sure you are all aware, is a must read for Twins fans.

If you are here for the first time, peruse some of my archives, and by all means feel free to come back again. I will try to keep you entertained.

Thank you to everyone who followed my foray into Twins blogging in 2009, and hopefully you look forward to reading Undomed in 2010 as much as I look forward to writing it.

And with that, happy New Year to all.

Top 20 Twins Prospects

2009-12-28T17:09:00.011-06:00

I am not a Major League scout – obviously. This, technically, makes me very much under-qualified to rank Twins prospects.

In many ways, there are few armchair analyses more arbitrary than creating a list of top baseball prospects. Unlike, for example, Seth Stohs of www.sethspeaks.net, I have neither the connections, nor the acumen for research, to put together a credible list of top Twins prospects.

The list I have created here is based almost completely on statistical analysis, and the limited scouting reports I found online without subscribing to any websites.

Doing research with limited online resources puts me on the same level with most baseball fans, so I suppose from that standpoint I am neither more or less qualified than most. And, because I am far more knowledgeable about baseball than the average person, I suppose on some level I actually am qualified to rank prospects.

What is my point? I don’t really know.

I think I am just manifesting my personal feelings of inadequacy on the prospect matter through this rambling introduction.

My feelings stem mostly from my not really feeling comfortable analyzing a player until I have actually seen the man play. Statistics, after all, can only tell you so much.

Regardless, prospects are always a hot topic (especially for the Twins) so I decided to create a list for my readers. Plus, Seth was nice enough to offer my inclusion in his excellent prospect handbook, so this gave me more motivation to create a list.

As I stated, most of my analysis comes from statistics and limited scouting reports. But also, from the intangible standpoint, I am a big believer in a person’s name being important to their success; which is one of the reasons Shooter Hunt didn’t get cut from the list (I am 30% serious about this).

In ranking players such as Miguel Sano and Max Kepler-Rozycki, for whom no stats were available, I had an issue because neither has played a second of baseball in the U.S. Basically, all I know about Kepler-Rozycki is that he was the top European prospect. This means (a) he accidentally signed up for baseball instead of soccer as a kid, and (b) he is the luckiest bastard alive because he wasn’t subjected to soccer. Also, going back to the name theory, Kepler-Rozycki needs to drop the Rozycki if he ever wants to play Major League Baseball.

Similarly, all I know about Sano is that he can’t decide on a last name.

However, both were so highly touted in their home country, and are still so young, that their ceilings are quite high. I’m sure their rankings will change – for better or for worse – in the next year or two.

Now that I have given you all a glimpse into my thought process, and completely undermined my already limited credibility, let’s move on to the list. I didn’t include any information on the players, but if you are looking for a good site for Minor League statistics, I recommend the Baseball Cube.

Enjoy.

20. Shooter Hunt, RP
19. Max Kepler-Rozycki, OF
18. Steve Singelton, IF
17. Joe Benson, OF
16. Carlos Guietterez, SP
15. Rene Tosoni, OF
14. Tyler Robertson, SP
13. Alex Burnett, RP
12. Danny Valencia, 3B
11. Rob Delaney, RP
10. Chris Parmelee, OF
9. Anthony Slama, RP
8. David Bromberg, SP
7. Adrian Salcedo, SP
6. Angel Morales, OF
5. Kyle Gibson, SP
4. Wilson Ramos, C
3. Miguel Sano, SS
2. Ben Revere, OF
1. Aaron Hicks, OF

Christmas Break

2009-12-21T19:38:00.003-06:00

Being that I celebrate Christmas, and don't care about being politcally correct, I thought I would just let everyone know I am on Christmas break. Or, at least, I think I am.

I may post something tomorrow or Wednesday, but don't count on it. If a post pops up consider it a Christmas bonus of sorts.

I am working on a decade retrospective about the Twins that I will post sometime between Christmas and New Years, until then, however, I am most likely on hiatus.

Unless I'm not. We'll see.

So with that, Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. Oh, and follow me on Twitter.

Random Thoughts...

2009-12-18T12:00:00.002-06:00

...Pet peeve #3176974: When people use song lyrics as their Facebook status. I understand that you are trying to prove how "deep" you are by posting some incredibly moving and meaningful lyrics, but throwing up stereotypical words from a crappy pop or punk rock song isn't the way to express your deepest feelings. All this does is prove that you aren't creative enough to properly express yourself. Most importantly, though, if you think a poorly written pop song is the best way to express your teenage angst (especially if you are older than 16 and/or not a girl) you probably have bigger problems.

...I am squarely in the camp that believes it is time for The Simpsons to end. I honestly can't remember the last time I caught a new episode of The Simpsons. Occasionally, I'll check the syndicated airings to see if they are showing an older episode, but if they are showing anything in this decade, I'm definitely going to skip it. The Simpsons is one of the greatest television shows of all time, and once it ends it will live on in syndication regardless, a la Seinfeld and Friends. In a perfect world, the show would have ended several years ago, but so often shows hang on far, far too long. So please Matt Groening and co., put an end to the show and let us enjoy the ingenuity of the older episodes that made The Simpsons one of the greatest television shows of our lifetime.

...Doesn't this happen every year? At some point can't we all just agree that climbing a mountain in the middle of winter is a bad idea? I mean, does it make me a bad person that all I can think is "man, these people are morons?" Well fine, then, color me a bad person.

...Not to be a cynical Grinch, but why not give money to a charity instead of some random people who can obviously afford to eat out? This isn't a "magical" story, it is a story of generosity being used poorly.

...Colin Cowherd is the most annoying person at ESPN. And that's saying something.

...The man may not be immortal, but the fellatio jokes about his name certainly are.

...All dictionaries should be required to replace their definition of irony, with this story about Bill Plaschke. Irony is a hard concept to completely explain, but luckily we have Plaschke to give us the most perfect real life example in the history of real life examples.

...I am not okay with this. I am a superstitious loony-bin, and while I don't know of any specific "cover of MLB: The Show jinx," why risk it? I don't approve. I don't approve at all.

...The Cubs are making one of the most epically moronic trades I have ever seen. I understand that they hate Milton Bradley, and probably for good reason. Swapping him, however, for Carlos Silva who has been somewhere between awful and terrible the last couple of years -- not to mention injured -- doesn't make any sense. I understand it is bad contract swap, but Silva has almost no upside. He is a bad pitcher. Even at his peak, he was mediocre. If the Cubs want to get rid of Bradley that bad, just eat the money and trade him for prospects. Taking on Silva makes no sense whatsoever.

...Speaking of which, how great has Jack Zduriencik been from both a GM standpoint and a ridiculosuly-impossible-to-pronounce-name standpoint? The Twins should trade Bill Smith and prospects to the Mariners for Zduriencik. How great would that be? Both for the Twins as a franchise, and for the reaction to GMs being traded for each other. Everyone at ESPN's head would explode as they try and breakdown who got a better deal based on negotiation skills and whatnot.

...Honestly, I can't say enough about Jersey Shore. The show is so mindlessly, low-browingly entertaining it blows my mind. The fact that The Situation, J-Woww, Shnookie, and the rest, take themselves so seriously, and don't realize how off-the-charts ridiculous their behavior is makes for an excellent hour of television. If you aren't watching, you should be; if for no other reason that to feel better about yourself.

...I also can't say enough about The Wire, but for very difference reasons than Jersey Shore, obviously.

...That's all I've got this week, I am going to end with what is quickly becoming my routine shameless promotion ending: If you are on Twitter, and want to enjoy my semi-coherent 140 character ramblings on a daily basis, follow me here. Also, if you are new around these parts, check out the archive in the side bar for some of my older posts. You may or may not find them interesting or entertaining. I guarantee nothing.

Top Ten Television Shows of the Decade

2009-12-17T14:16:00.003-06:00

I am rolling out a top ten list today for three reasons (that’s right, you’re getting a list inside the list – a little list-on-list action if you will):

1. Sports are boring and depressing right now.

As if not having any baseball to watch isn’t bad enough, we also have the story about Tiger, which is the odd combination of sad and fascinating; but not exactly the feel good story of the year. Then comes the tragic passing of Chris Henry, which is obviously just 100% sad. I’d say we’re going through a little rough patch in sports right now…

2. I like lists.

Honestly, I think everyone likes lists. If for no other reason than to call the list maker out: “Is this guy/gal an idiot?” Or “How much fucking coke was this guy/gal doing when making this list?” Good times for all.

3. I want to.

It’s my blog, and I want to make a list. So there. Plus we’re nearing the end of the decade when everyone is releasing their “decade in review” lists, and I enjoy pop culture almost as much as sports, so I’m jumping on that bandwagon.

10. Scrubs

Sometimes Scrubs is genius. There are certain episodes that are able to blend drama and quirky humor in a way no other show can. Plus, Dr. Cox is one of my favorite television characters of all time. I’m putting it at ten on this list because I think J.D. gets annoying, and I don’t really like Zach Braff in general. Ever since he was on Punk’d, and acted like the biggest ass hole in the history of ass holes, he has held a special place in “douche bag land” for me. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they react to being punk’d.

9. Curb Your Enthusiasm

If you don’t like Larry David, I don’t like you. ‘Nuff said.

8. The Office

I feel like The Office has gotten progressively worse ever since Jim and Pam got together. The show was certainly better the first few seasons when they had the whole “will they, won’t they” thing going on. I think the writers have done a decent job of keeping storylines fresh ever since the Jim-Pam arc played out, but they haven’t done a great job. The show is still usually good for a few laughs though.

7. It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

I am not a big fan of cults. I find them creepy and weird. (Prime example: fraternities and sororities. I don’t get it. All these groups are is glorified cults. You are basically paying to join a group of people that meets on certain days to take part in various activities. How is that not a cult? Creepy and weird.) Anyway, having said that, the one cult I am more than proud to be a part of is “Always Sunny in Philadelphia fans.” The FX show started more-or-less as a grass roots program has steadily grown in popularity, and has reached full blown cult status for college aged males. I am proud to say I was on the bandwagon even before Danny DeVito took the show to the next level.

6. Rescue Me

I find Denis Leary annoying. Mostly because Denis Leary is annoying. Denis Leary playing Denis Leary as a firefighter, however, is entertaining. I know, it doesn’t make sense. Leary plays Tommy Gavin, who is basically just Denis Leary, and even though I find Denis Leary annoying, I like Tommy Gavin. Again, it doesn’t make sense. Maybe I actually like Denis Leary and just don’t want to admit it. I know, I’m confused too. Regardless, Rescue Me is a fantastic show, and somehow manages to be both dramatically heart-wrenching and outrageously funny. How’s that for a stereotypical one line review?

5. 30 Rock

30 Rock is better than The Office, and it really isn’t close. 30 Rock is, without a doubt, the most consistently funny sitcom of this decade. By far. If I were making a list of just the best comedies of the aughts, 30 Rock would take up the 1-5 spots because no other show even belongs in the conversation. So there.

This is coming from a guy, by the way, who hated Tracy Morgan on Saturday Night Live, was completely ambivalent towards Alec Baldwin, and was 100% certain that funny females didn’t actually exist. I still have yet to meet a funny woman, but at least Tina Fey managed to break that stereotype for me.

(Call me sexist if you must, but it’s true. I don’t know any funny females. Alright, whatever, I’m sexist. Let’s move on.)

4. Friday Night Lights

Most. Underrated. Show. In. The. History. Of. Television. Everyone who watches Friday Night Lights loves it, yet there aren’t nearly enough people watching. This begs the question, what the hell is wrong with you people? I’d say more, but at this point you should be far too busy Netflixing the DVDs to still be reading this.

3. The Wire

One could make the argument I am cheating here, because so far I have only watched one full season of The Wire, however, season one may have been the best season of television I have ever seen, so I have no problem placing this baby at number three. In fact, if I were to venture a guess, assuming the other seasons stack up, The Wire will end up number two on this list, and very possibly number one. How do you like them apples?

2. 24

There have certainly been some clunky seasons of 24 along the way, but when 24 is going good, I defy anyone to walk away from the show. You can’t do it. Watch a couple of episodes (even of the bad seasons) and you will be hooked. There is a zero percent chance that you can start a season of 24 and not finish. And regardless of how you feel about the occasionally suspect acting, the show-in-real-time concept is brilliant and keeps you on the edge of your seat.

Personally, I feel connected to the show because I started watching it from the very beginning. I saw commercials during football games and whatnot on Fox, and thought it looked interesting so I gave it a try. I have been hooked ever since. This is the only show on this list that I have watched every season as it was on TV. Every other show I have watched on DVD/online/on demand. 24 is my show, but it still can’t top number 1…

1. Jersey Shore

Ha. Just kidding.

1. The Sopranos

Tony Soprano is the most compelling character in television history. You can’t argue otherwise. You can try, but you are wrong. This isn’t an opinion, it is a fact. Plus, it is fun to watch him get exponentially fatter as the seasons progress. I’d say more about the show, but if you’ve watched The Sopranos it speaks for itself, and if you haven’t I don’t want to ruin for you. To summarize: watch The Sopranos.

Honorable Mention: House, The Daily Show, How I Met Your Mother, The Aquaman storyline on Entourage

Obviously, the point of these lists is to get people to either nod in agreement, or shake their heads in frustration. If one of your favorite shows isn’t on the list, it either means I’ve never seen it, or I think it is a big pile of crap. Either way, I would love to see people’s arguments about my list (either for or against) in the comments section.

Fantasy Football Etiquette

2009-12-15T20:03:00.006-06:00

As most fantasy footballers are aware, there is a certain level of etiquette assumed when taking apart in a league. Like anything, there is a set of unwritten rules league members should follow.

The most important of these rules is that you don't mess with the standings. You don't throw games because you and a buddy are colluding, you don't try and make ridiculous trades to help someone else out. Basically you try and win your games, and if you don't make the playoffs, that is part of the game. Better luck next year.

Well, someone in my league decided to not play by the rules.

For a little background, the league I'm in is fairly standard: 10 team league, no weird scoring, 4 teams make the playoffs, etc.

Going into last week (final week of the regular season) I was in second place, holding a very tenuous lead. I was almost certainly in the playoffs, but seeding had yet to be decided.

Well, I lost my game, which didn't seem to be a big deal since I would end up in third place instead of second -- which is basically irrelevant.

Everything from there played out as I expected, until the first place team, who was a sure bet to win, benched Larry Fitzgerald and Vernon Davis to lose on purpose. He did this so his buddy would beat him, and move ahead of me in the standings.

Turns out, these two idiots have banded together and decided to split the money if one of them wins the league. The number one team lost on purpose so he wouldn't have to play his buddy in round one of the playoffs, thus insuring at least one of them would make the championship.

Bush league. Beyond bush league.

Seeing as how I know neither of these guys (they are in the league because a friend of mine is the commissioner, and he got a few guys from his gym to join) I took to the message boards. Naturally.

The following messages are taken verbatum from the message boards, starting right afterthe first place team (Ruff Ryders) and his buddy (SHOWTIME -- the should be fourth place team, but now third place team because of their colluding bull shit) try to explain their theory of why Ruff Ryders lost. They claimed Ruff Ryders wanted a better matchup.

Here is what transpired from there:

Me: So to clarify, Ruff Ryders threw his game to play a team that already beat him instead of playing a team he would have beaten twice if he wasn't too busy failing at being strategic. Makes sense.

Here I thought SHOWTIME was the biggest tool in the league for changing his name to something so retarded. But apparently stupidty is an STD.

SHOWTIME: PS, GO FUCK YOURSELF, AGAIN

(Interjection: How clever, eh?)

SHOWTIME: Look man. Man up and call it like it is.

Nate is #1 regardless of if he wins/lost last week and the week before. So he has the right to bench whom ever he wants.

So, instead of focusing on the problem...you team not being as good as you think, why dont you just be a man, realize that its a fantacy team, and deal with STUPID SHIT like me calling my team SHOWTIME! Deal with IT

Me: So in your pea brained, roided out world, where fantasy is spelled with a "c" and whomever is two words, being a man involves what exactly?

Playing scared of a team that you would've beaten twice during the regular season if you weren't strategically challenged?

Or possibly just generally being a weasel?

Ruff Ryders made the choice to play the game like an ass hole, and I am calling him out on it.

As for mocking your team name, I am just saying what everyone else is thinking. I'm sure, though, "SHOWTIME" serves you well when hanging out with the rest of the cast of Jersey Shore.

(Interjection: Normally, I find it obnoxious when people correct correct grammar and spelling on message boards, but this was so blatant I couldn't resist. Plus that was a top-notch burn and you all know it.)

SHOWTIME: Never once did I make it personal with anyone. So way to go man. I will deal with it. It is what it is. I just dont know what I did wrong. Look at my lineups, I am not even trying. Once I start to win people get upset. There is NO cheating going on here. Look at my teams record, who I start, who I bench. If I cared I would have only lost 2 maybe 3 games.

But if you do want to make it personal come say it to my face

Me: First of all, if you are going to try and take the high road, don't end your post with a vague threat of violence. It undermines your poor attempt at civility.

Second of all, while I certainly agree I am being petty, I don't understand why you got involved in the argument if you weren't ready to be ripped on. We weren't having a spirited debate about whether the Colts or Saints are a better team, we were arguing about general douche baggery. I'm pretty sure civility was out the window from the start.

None of this matters, of course, since your juggernaut of mediocrity is destined to win the league, anyway. So I suppose we can consider this entire argument moot, and all hand our money over to you now.

The messages pretty much end there, aside from SHOWTIME threatening to kick everyone's ass.

I guess I just wanted to share my frustration with my four readers (plus I think it is an entertaining exchange). I think it is fair to say I got hosed in the situation. Hopefully, karma will make things right.

Wilf the Weasel?

2009-12-14T16:00:00.000-06:00

When Zygi Wilf purchased the Minnesota Vikings from Red McCombs in 2005, he quickly became the mustachioed savior of the most beloved franchise in Minnesota. Four years later, with Wilf demanding a new stadium, and the threat of relocation looming, the love has faded. And fast.

The outrage has been palpable the last few weeks, with angry fans lighting up the internet and airwaves with angry tweets, blog posts, and radio call-ins. The public has spoken: Wilf’s a weasel.

While it is easy to sit back and lament the potential relocation of the Vikings, a black cloud over an otherwise successful season, the more realistic fan would look at the issue from both sides.

Is it fair to argue that Wilf shouldn’t be making such outrages demands in such a, let’s call it, “economically questionable” time? Of course. But shouldn’t fans be ostracizing public officials, as well, for refusing to even broach the subject?

The fact of the matter is, the Metrodome is aging, and aging quickly. The Vikings need a new facility to compete with the revenues of other NFL franchises. (Even the Lions have a state-of-the-art facility, after all.)

I assume most lawmakers would acknowledge losing the Vikings would be a giant blow to the state of Minnesota, not only from the sports fan’s perspective, but an economic perspective as well.

So why is it that they refuse to even answer questions regarding a new stadium?

Maybe the timing is bad, but there are two sides to the stadium construction coin. Yes, approving a stadium would obviously require approving funds in a downtrodden Minnesota market, but just the mere process of building the stadium would create jobs. Between the designing, construction, and everything else that goes into planning and building a professional sports stadium, and coupled with the revenues a professional sports franchise brings to local bars, restaurants, hotels, etc., the Twin Cities would certainly see a return on its investment.

From Wilf’s perspective, threatening to relocate a franchise that, for better or worse, is an important part of Minnesota’s identity is good business. He holds the trump card because he knows Minnesota can’t afford to lose the Vikings, but if the state wants to keep the team, they have to build Wilf’s stadium.

Wilf's stubbornness is what has created the public outcry. People want to believe in a sense of loyalty from their sports team, and Wilf is showing next-to-none towards Minnesotans. But the fact is, Wilf isn’t in the business of loyalty. He is in the business of business. Wilf’s job is to run the Vikings to the best of his ability, and turn the most profit at the end the year. Maximum profit is the goal for any business owner, and Wilf is no different.

While the Vikings franchise has obviously proven it can be a moneymaker in Minnesota, the Metrodome has proven it is no longer a viable NFL stadium. The seats are cramped, the concourse is cramped, the food selection is poor at best, and the bathrooms are urine troughed nightmares. There is almost nothing good about the Metrodome.

To argue the Vikings should continue to play in a second rate stadium simply because the team “belongs” in Minnesota, is asinine. It is time for a new facility, and that is what Wilf is trying to procure.

We all obviously want the Vikings to stay in Minnesota. But while we all believe the Vikings truly do “belong” in Minnesota, that isn’t enough to keep the around. Something tangible needs to be done.

Many people ask, “Why now?” With the state facing a large deficit and massive budget cuts, why ask for a publicly funded facility now?

The answer, from Wilf, would be, “If not now, when?”

The Vikings lease in the Metrodome is up after 2011, coupled with the very real threat of a lockout after the 2010 season. The Vikings obviously want some resolution with so much upcoming uncertainty.

No matter how much public outcry persists, Wilf isn’t going to back down. And he shouldn’t. With so much leverage on his side, Wilf is going to get what he wants.

Whether he gets it here, or in Los Angeles, remains to be seen.

Random Thoughts...

2009-12-11T13:12:00.014-06:00

...The Random Thoughts are back after an obnoxiously (and arguably unnecessarily) long hiatus. Luckily, the only story anyone has been talking about lately is Tiger Woods and his ever-expanding list of whores, so I suppose I haven't missed much in terms of random thinking. Having said that, I am going to spare you all from any more Tiger musings here at Undomed. At least until a sex tape surfaces.

...Is there any other major media market in the country that would allow Sid Hartman, Patrick Reusse, and Dark Star to be some of the most "influential" voices in the local sports scene? I understand that Sid is an "institution" of sorts; and, admittedly, his crazy old man ranting can be somewhat entertaining, but coupling him with a blowhard like Reusse is ridiculous. Most of us have seen Reusse's quote about Joe Christensen and OPS in his "Turkey of the Year" column. Reusse simply epitomizes everything that is wrong with sports writing. We get it, you're old, you're angry, and you are completely out of touch with the general public perspective. Please, stop blathering.

Throw in Dark Star who I want to punch in the head every time he speaks, and you have the trifecta-de-trash. Just awful sports journalism all around. How does nobody at the Star Tribune and WCCO understand this?

...You know what is an underrated invention? The water sprayer thingy for dishes on kitchen sinks. Very handy. I feel spoiled going from a shitty college apartment that barely had a sink, to an apartment with both a sprayer thingy and a dishwasher. And, if you are wondering, yes, "sprayer thingy" is a technical term.

...In a battle between PETA and the Catholic church everyone's a loser.

...Does it bother anyone else when people ask someone if the person they are dating/used to date is cute? What answer can you reasonably expect other than, "yes?" Obviously if the person dated/dates someone they are at least reasonably attracted to said person. Do you really expect someone to say, "No, I was just really desperate"? As enjoyable as that response would be, I find it highly unlikely.

...Why on earth would the most entertaining member of the "Jew crew" go and do something like this?

...I enjoy the first snowfall of the year, if, for no other reason than to watch Minnesota drivers try and readjust to winter driving. Highly entertaining.

...Of course, the six months of snow after the first snowfall are far, far less entertaining.

...Boof.

...Ever see those women who dress like they are young and hip, but look like they are about 40? I always have an internal debate about whether they are actually 40 and going through a mid-life crisis, or 22 and so beaten down by life they look like a disheveled 40 year old. If you are wonder, the latter is called "Lindsay Lohan Syndrome." And, yes, I know that joke is too easy, but it never gets old.

...For the record, I have reached my Lindsay Lohan quota for the day (and likely far exceeded it).

...If you are behind on the times like me because you weren't old enough to fully appreciate television shows when they were actually on TV, I highly recommend The Wire. I am most of the way through season one, and it is excellent. Sopranos-esque, if you will.

...At the same time, if you still watch Entourage, stop. Just stop now. The last three seasons have been unwatchable. And, for anyone thinking they should pick up the Entourage DVD's because they have heard good things, get the first three seasons and stop there. Once the Aquaman story-arc plays out, the show becomes terrible. I still don't understand why I watched last season, but I am definitely not coming back next season.

...For the love of god, MTV, do not give into pressure and take Jersey Shore off the air. One slutty girl getting punched in the face is grounds cancelling one of the best television shows ever off the air? That is ludicrous! Ludicrous I say!

...For the last five years or so I have been buzzing my. Recently, however, I decided to let it grow out for awhile. I am thoroughly enjoying this process. Everyday is a new hair adventure...yeah I don't have a whole lot going on right now...

...Alright, but if Hannah Montana takes a break, that's where I draw the line.

...I feel like malls should hire a common sense expert before designing their parking lots. I was at a mall today (Rosedale Center for those of you familiar with the area) and spent like ten minutes driving around the parking lot because the entire thing is constructed as a giant one-way road with intermittently sprinkled turnoffs. How is this the most efficient method for building a parking lot? It is a huge pain in the ass. If I am driving around a parking lot and want to go the opposite direction, I should be able to do so without having to drive around the entire fucking building. Is that too much to ask? Ugh.

...If I had to make a list of annoying people (actually "had" would be a bit of a misnomer here, I would thoroughly enjoy creating this list), "weight room guy" would be somewhere in the top ten.

Now, there are two forms of "weight room guy," and both are equally obnoxious.

First, you have the guy who almost definitely does steroids and struts around the gym with that, "I-don't-have-a-life-outside-the-gym-but-its-ok-because-I-can kick-your-ass" look. Always a class act, by the way, this guy is.

Second, you have the "strut-around-the-gym-wearing-too-little-clothing-even-though-I-am-actually-super-skinny-or-fat" guy. This guy is great because he doesn't actually do any workouts, he just stands around pretending to exercise. This is fine in a large gym, I suppose, if it helps your self esteem, but when you live in an apartment with a moderately sized workout room, and there is a gaggle of three pretend work outers, it becomes infinitely more annoying.

...What a weird NFL season, eh? After the Steelers loss to the Browns, I have come to the conclusion that everybody just sucks. There are no good teams anymore, just a few teams with a couple of good players.

...I think it is fairly obvious, based on all the evidence, that Lane Kiffin is a dirtball. Having said that, I am going to defend his Volunteers in the whole "recruiting hostesses" ordeal. I say, if you can find a few hot coeds that didn't make the cheerleader squad but still want to help out the team, go ahead and sign them up as hostesses. As long as their job description is "recruiter," you can't control what else they do to entice players to become Volunteers. Besides, as Tennessee recruit Marcus Lattimore said, "you don't want to go to a college where they ain't pretty." Truer words have never been spoken. Absolutely nobody wants to go to a college where "they ain't pretty." This, coming from a guy who went to the University of Minnesota Duluth...

...I am going to end this week with some shameless self-promotion. If you are on Twitter, and want to enjoy my semi-coherent 140 character ramblings on a daily basis, follow me here. Also, if you are new around these parts, check out the archive in the side bar for some of my older posts. You may or may not find them interesting or entertaining. I guarantee nothing.

A Winter Meetings Roundup (of Sorts)

2009-12-10T22:50:00.005-06:00

The winter meetings are, for all intents and purposes, over. I’m sure there are some loitering front office personnel and sportswriters, because, hey, who doesn’t want to spend extra time in Indianapolis? But, essentially the winter meetings have come to a close.

As expected, there was some maneuvering by other teams, but aside from Carl Pavano accepting arbitration, the Boofing, and some Kouz-arosa rumors (see what I did there? I am quite the wordsman), not much happened in Twins land.

(By the way, doesn’t Kouz-arosa kind of sound like the name of a Chinese restaurant? I bet they would have some bitchin’ wontons…but I digress.)

Be that as it may, there are a few names implicit in the Twins actions during the Winter Meetings that I would like to explore in a little more detail.

Boof Bonser

As I stated above by turning Boof’s name into a verb, the Twins cut ties with the burly (ok, hefty) right-hander to make room on the 40 man roster for Pavano and his nose. I met the Boofing with a “meh” and a shrug, but the response from other Twins fans seemed to be much more cryptic.

If had a dollar for every Twins fan Tweet that said some variation of, “shouldn’t have let Bonser leave,” I would have like four dollars.

I am more than willing to acknowledge that Bobby Keppel would have been a better designate-for-assignment candidate, but Boof certainly would have been second on the list. Moreover, with Boof rejecting the Twins contract offer, you can certainly see why the Twins cut ties with Mr. Bonser.

When you consider that the Twins have five bullpen spots essentially locked up (assuming Jesse Crain is tendered a contract, which he should be) there wasn’t really room for Bonser anway.

The following pitchers are essentially locked in for next year (again under the Crain assumption):

Joe Nathan
Matt Guerrier
Jose Mijares
Jesse Crain
Jon Rauch

Add a hopefully healthy Pat Neshek into the mix, and you only have room for at most one more arm. And, that is dependent on if the Twins stick with the misguided twelve-man-staff theory.

Even with seven guys in the bullpen, however, the Twins would probably want a lefty or long man, or better yet, a lefty long man. Bonser, would fit neither of those positions. Boof is obviously not left-handed, and struggled in the long role when he last pitched in 2008.

At this point, the best case scenario for Bonser is a righty setup role, and the Twins have plenty of candidates for that spot already.

Instead of creating a logjam in the bullpen, the Twins got rid of a coming-off-injury pitcher and received a player to be named later or cash in the process. Plus, think how much money the team will save on the postgame spread? (Sorry, I had to.)

Danny Valencia

Valencia’s name has come up a lot lately during the Twins third base search. And, even though every between-the-lines message the Twins organization sends screams “we don’t think Valencia is that special!” some Twins fans are fixated on the young third baseman.

Valencia has shown moderate offensive success in the minors while playing, by all accounts, absolutely awful defense. After putting up a very good .336/.402/.518 line in high A ball, Valencia has been somewhere between decent and deceptively bad in AA and AAA.

Between Valencia’s modest Minor League numbers, and the Twins obvious lack of Valencia commitment, I just don’t understand why Twins fans are so worked up. Honestly, I want someone to explain the allure.

If the Twins truly believed Valencia was an option next year, they would have called him up last September. Oh, but wait,“he isn’t ready.”

Even more telling is the Twins interest in the relatively young Kevin Kouzmanoff, and apparent willingness to give Mark DeRosa a two, or more, year contract. An obvious sign that the organization has no interest in waiting around for a mediocre prospect.

Simply put, the Twins don't seem too keen on waiting for Valencia's phantom potential, so why are all the fans?

Chip Hale

Yes, I am aware Chip Hale almost certainly wasn’t mentioned as target for the Twins this offseason. (His name may have come up at some point during the week, though, he is the Diamondbacks third base coach after all.)

My point here, however, is that one of the Twins most pressing needs lies outside the starting lineup. Also, I wanted to add a third player to this list because two seemed awkward.

So, as you can see, I am using Hale as symbol for what the Twins need. (I chose Hale because I defy you to name me a more randomly awesome bench player in Twins history. I dare you –- Al Newman, Gene Larkin, and Randy Bush are too easy.)

So far the Twins have been linked, albeit tenuously, to Robb Quinlan. For now, being tenuously linked to anyone is fine, especially if that anyone is the exceptionally mediocre Quinlan. As the offseason progresses, however, and more players begin finding homes, the Twins should sniff around for low-cost, proven, veterans for their bench.

There are always plenty of Chip Hale’s available late in the offseason, and the Twins would be wise to wrap one or two up. If, for no other reason, than to keep Danny Valencia off the roster.

Rumor of the Day: Mark DeRosa

2009-12-09T12:39:00.002-06:00

Yesterday it was Kevin Kouzmanoff, today it is Mark DeRosa.

If we are learning anything from the Winter Meetings, it is that the Twins are focusing on the third base market, while shirking second base. A development, that hardly comes as a surprise.

The question all along seemed to be whether the Twins would focus on acquiring a third baseman or a second baseman, with Punto handling one of the two positions. And seeing how the Twins seem prefer Punto at second (although optimally, they would prefer him on the bench) it makes sense they are looking to acquire a third baseman.

Assuming the Twins have made the (albeit poor) decision to pursue only a third baseman, Mark DeRosa is a far superior choice to Kouzmanoff.

As I mentioned yesterday, the Twins need a two hitter. Essentially, the Twins need someone who will get on base in front of Mauer, Morneau, Kubel, and Cuddyer.

Unlike Kouzmanoff, DeRosa would give the Twins solid OBP production batting second. And, while DeRosa may or may not "handle the bat" (aka bunt and slap ground balls) up to the Gardy two-hole (note: not a poop joke) standard, he strikes me as at least being a gamer and/or battler.

Regardless of the Gardy standard, all the Twins really need in a two hitter is someone who will get on base. Enter DeRosa and the following OBPs:

2006: .357
2007: .371
2008: .376
2009: .319

Yes, DeRosa's OBP in 2009 was obviously way down, but it was also misleading. Before being traded, DeRosa put up a .342 OBP with Cleveland, a number almost equivalent to his career OBP of .343 (only one percent off!). A few days after the trade, DeRosa suffered a wrist injury, and posted a dismal .291 OBP the rest of the way with St. Louis.

Assuming DeRosa is completely healthy – which becomes even dicier when dealing with a hitter’s wrist – it would be reasonable to expect DeRosa to put up numbers closer to his career line. Assuming he can post an OBP in the .335-.350 range, DeRosa would be a vastly superior option to the allergic-to-the-base-paths Kouzmanoff.

The biggest issue with DeRosa would be money. He is currently seeking 3 yrs/$27 million, an absolutely absurd number, especially considering the most coveted infielder on the market (Chone Figgins) received 4 yrs/$36 million. If that number comes down, which it almost inevitably will, DeRosa becomes a much more attractive option in the 2-3 yrs/$6-7 million per year range.

Since it appears the Twins are content with acquiring just one infielder, DeRosa is one of the better fits at third base. The best case scenario, however, is still signing both a third baseman and a second baseman.

In that sense, Kouzmanoff and a second baseman would be a much better move than signing only DeRosa.

Rumor of the Day: Kevin Kouzmanoff

2009-12-08T18:08:00.005-06:00

Like many MLB rumor-mongers, I have been staring almost non-stop at my Twitter feed today (much to the chagrin of my retinas) to soak in the up-to-the-minute Twins updates.

The most recent of those updates comes courtesy of Bob Nightengale : "The Minnesota Twins are offering pitcher Glenn Perkins for Padres 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff, but the Padres are seeking more." (Of course, by the time I finished typing that sentence some overweight sports writer in a Hawaiin shirt from the Podunk times probably tweeted a new rumor.)

As far as third base options go, Kouzmanoff isn't the best, but he also isn't the worst. Similar offensively to Joe Crede, and inferior with the glove, he would offer the Twins some power at the bottom of the lineup, but very little OBP. What makes more intriguing than some 3B options, however, are his home/road splits:

Home: .220/.280/.382
Road: .287/.322/.493

Playing at home in the notoriously hitter unfriendly Petco Park, Kouzmanoff was a terrible offensive player. Playing on the road, however, he put up solid production.

Of course, citing Kouzmanoff’s solid road production, and thus claiming he will post an overall line close to his road stats is far too simplistic. There are a lot of factors for home/road splits, and you can't simply assume an overall line of .287/.322/.493.

With that said, it isn't unreasonable to expect slightly better production overall by removing Kouzmanoff from Petco.

Does this mean trading for Kouzmanoff would be a good idea?

It depends. (I know, I never just give straight answers do I?)

Much like in re-signing Pavano, the Kouzmanoff deal comes down to whether this is an "or" situation or an "and" situation.

Kouzmanoff is a solid option at third if his acquistion is coupled with, for example, Orlando Hudson at second. However, if Kouzmanoff is the only infield acquistion the Twins make, the deal is much more ho-hum.

The best case scenario for the Twins infield is acquiring both a third baseman and second baseman, thus moving Nick Punto to the bench -- an obviously weak position in and of itself. By adding Kouzmanoff and Hudson, the Twins would strengthen three positions (third, second, bench) and acquire what the lineup needs most: a number two hitter.

(By the way, to convice Gardenhire that Punto should be on the bench Bill Smith could just tell him that by making Punto a utility guy, Gardy could sit next to him every inning of every game. They could sit there talking, giggling, and doing whatever the hell it is that makes Gardy love Punto so fucking much every single day. I'm pretty sure this could work, right?)

Depending on what the Twins have to give up in addition to Perkins, and what Smith and company do the rest of the offseason, Kouzmanoff could be a decent fit at 3B. If the asking price is a lot more than Perkins, however, or Kouzmanoff is going to be the only infield acquisition, the Twins should stay away, and continue searching for capable two-hitter.

So my answer to whether the Twins should deal for Kouzmanoff?

The most appropriate hot stove answer of them all: It depends.

The Ace List

2009-12-07T21:48:00.001-06:00

Roger Clemens. Randy Johnson/Curt Schilling. Jarrod Washburn. Josh Beckett. Schilling again. Mark Buehrle. Chris Carpenter. Beckett again. Cole Hamels. C.C. Sabathia.

The ace list.

The ace list of number one starters from each World Series champion of the ‘oughts.’

Aside from Washburn, who pitched very well for the Angles but is a guy few would consider an “ace,” the list is impressive.

Yes. The ace list.

Who will be added to that list next year? It is sure to be a top notch starter; the type of pitcher who can lead a staff, and stop a losing streak.

Tim Lincecum, perhaps?

Sabathia again?

Maybe King Felix?

The answer, of course, is unknown. What can be said with relative certainty, however, is that Carl Pavano, Nick Blackburn, Scott Baker, and Kevin Slowey are not the type of pitcher you associate with the ace list.

Sure, they are somewhere between solid and good candidates when filling out the two-thru-five spots in the rotation, but there is nary an ace among them.

And therein lies the problem with re-signing Carl Pavano.

While Pavano could certainly ace the large nose, squinty eyed all stars; he certainly cannot ace a major league starting rotation. I think all Twins fans can agree on this, and would assume the Twins front office would as well.

I’m not claiming the Twins are signing Carl Pavano to be their ace. However, I think at this point we all fully expect them to enter the whatever-we-decide-to-call-next-decades with a rotation (in no particular order) of Baker, Slowey, Blackburn, Pavano, and the revolvo-de-garbage.

This is a fact with which I take umbrage. In fact, all our umbs should be fully raged. (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Most statistical analyses I have seen show Pavano’s peripheral numbers were much better than his 5.10 ERA would suggest, a fact made obvious from watching his 12 starts for the Twins. He was a solid middle-of-the-rotation guy. Better than a 5.10 ERA, but certainly not a top-tier pitcher.

Pavano’s overall stats were skewed greatly by his atrocious April – featuring a one inning, 9 ER shit show, and an ERA of 9.50 for the month. It’s hard to deflate your numbers after getting blown up like that. (Just ask John Smoltz who, aside from one epically bad game in early April, was a dominant closer in 2002. Smoltz got rocked for 8 runs in 2/3 innings on April 6th, and it took until mid-July just to get his ERA below 4.00.)

I fully accept Pavano for what he is, as long as the Twins don’t ask him to be what he is not.

Assuming the Twins will not make another starting pitching move, signing Pavano was a poor decision. If the choices come down to Pavano or a Harden/Sheets/Bedard-type instead of Pavano and Harden/Sheets/Bedard-type – as seems the case – Pavano was the wrong choice.

Signing Pavano is just another deal that epitomizes the Twins franchise-wide creed of “good enough to contend,” and, by likely no fault of Pavano, the move will prove to be a bust.

Before re-signing Pavano the Twins rotation needed an ace. After re-signing Pavano, the rotation needs more of the same.

Would Sheets, Harden or Bedard be the missing ace? Maybe.

There are no guarantees they would stay healthy, but they certainly have ace ability. Sometimes, that potential ability is worth taking a chance on a player’s health.

The difference between just making the playoffs, and contending for a World Series title, is taking a flier on high risk/high reward players. Sometimes, you have to unhook the training wheels, close your eyes, and let your bike fly. Sometimes you crash. And sometimes, you make it all the way to the finish, flying past all obstacles.

Taking that leap of faith is the difference between being good, or merely being good enough.

The Twins still have time to prove whether the Pavano signing is more than just good enough. If signing Pavano is the first step to solidifying a rotation that also needs an ace, the move was good. If re-signing Pavano leads to nothing but Pavano, the move was merely good enough.

The final grade of the Pavano deal stands at incomplete. What Bill Smith does between now and the regular season, will decide the deal’s final marks.

If Pavano leads to acquiring Bedard, Sheets, Harden, or someone else with ace ability, the grade will certainly increase. If not, it will look more like my college calculus grade.

Hopefully, the Twins will understand this fact, and move on someone with the ability to become the 2011 inductee of the ace list. Because, while I cannot guarantee another pitcher would find his way onto the ace list, I can certainly guarantee you Pavano, Baker, Blackburn, or Slowey will not.

Bonus Post: Thoughts on Infield Market

2009-12-04T14:48:00.003-06:00

With potential free agent infielders being snatched up faster than the testimonies of Tiger Woods’s mistresses by tabloids, I figured I had better relate some thoughts about the Twins infield situation before the market is completely dry (which at this pace could be any day now).

With the Marco Scutaro and Placido Polanco signings, and the apparently impending Chone Figgins signing, the, arguably, three biggest names are off the infield table.

These signings are actually a good thing for the Twins.

Once Figgins officially signs, his deal will essentially set the high end for the infield market. Couple Figgins's deal with Polanco and Scutaro getting fairly reasonable dollars-per-year (for the market at least -- in reality, Scutaro is nothing more than a glorified utility guy. I can already hear Red Sox fans complaining, "Theo is really stahtin to lose it, that Scutahro signing was retahded") and you have the middle-to-upper class of the infield free agent pool making $5-$6 million per year.

What does this mean for the Twins?

Hopefully, it means they will swoop in on someone in the Adrian Beltre/Miguel Tejada/Felipe Lopez/Orland Hudson group; or, better yet, a smorgasbord thereof that includes both a 2B and a 3B.

The most realistic scenario, however, is that the Twins will sign/trade for one infielder (be it 3B or 2B) and we will have to put up with another year of daily Punto.

Having said that, why wait to make a deal? The middle infield market has basically been set, and if the Twins can get Felipe Lopez or Orlando Hudson in the $4-$6 million range, why not make the move now? Locking up a second baseman at a reasonable price would allow the Twins to let the third base market fully play out, and see what options are available later in the offseason.

When it comes to second base, the Twins should move quickly. The price is right, and the middle infield would be set for next year.

Sure, a better deal might come up later, but there are no guarantees. There are plenty of affordable options now, so why wait for the absolutely perfect opportunity that may never arise?

Why wait for the potential bargain basement Wal-Mart prices, when there is reasonably priced, higher quality merchandise available right now?

Misadventures of Moving

2009-12-03T23:01:00.001-06:00

I am aware that blogging has been a little (okay, a lot) light since last week, but I promise that will change next week. I'm finally getting settled from the whole moving thing and will be able to get into a better blogging routine. I will also have a desk, which is helpful for writing.

Because things have been so hectic, I haven’t been able to put together my weekly Random Thoughts (I haven’t had time to think) so instead I am offering you two stories from my moving day experience, which actually went fairly smoothly all things consider.

Again, I promise I will write more next week, and will return you to your regularly scheduled Random Thoughts next Friday.

Story 1

I moved on Monday, and that morning my dad and I went to get some furniture out of a storage unit to bring down to the new apartment. We brought the furniture back to my parent’s house in one of those big, unmarked, white child-molester vans my dad rented for the move. Back home, me, my mom, and my dad began loading stuff from my parents house into the aforementioned molester van, so we had to keep making trips back and forth from inside the house back outside to the driveway where the molester van was parked.

During one point we were all outside in the garage -- nobody else was around, so there was nobody in the house -- and my mom went open the door...it was locked. Except it wasn't, because that would be impossible. The door just wouldn't open. We tried three different keys to the house, and none of them worked. The door wasn't going to budge.

I, being quite the sleuth, went around back to look through the patio door, and, sure as shit, the door was, in fact, not locked. It just wouldn't open.
So now we are stuck outside, unable to get in the house because some ghoul put a spell on our door, and neither the back patio, or front screen door can be unlocked by keys, making us literally trapped outside. Being locked out of your house is annoying no matter what, but 10000 times more annoying when you are trying to load a molester van, and make an hour and fifteen minute drive to your new apartment.

After exhausting all options to enter the suddenly impenetrable fortress that was my parents’ house, my mom and dad left to get a locksmith, leaving me to guard everything sitting outside. This wouldn't have been bad, except it was 30 degrees out and I was wearing only a fairly thin sweatshirt -- well and pants, don't too excited. Of course, being that I'm a moron, I didn't think to sit in my car until five minutes before my parents returned with the locksmith. I am quite the thinker.

Anyway, after numerous perplexed facial expressions, and mumbling quote "well this definitely isn't common," (translation: what the fuck did you people do?), the locksmith finally got the door open.

In the end, the ordeal lasted about an hour, gave me a funny story, and caused no real harm. Well, other than the fact that my parents’ house is haunted. But I just moved out so whatever.

Story 2

Whenever you move into a new place, you have to assume something isn't going to work. That is just the way it goes. In my apartment, the kitchen sink was leaking. Which is annoying, but could have been worse, right?

Enter clogged toilet.

A toilet so clogged, mind you, that no amount of my plunging could dislodge whatever was down the poop chute. (The clogging had nothing to do with my fecal matter, by the way, so this is far less disgusting than you think. More on that in a second.)

By the time the whole toilet clogged incident occurred, it was too late to get maintenance in, and since they were coming in the next day for the sink anyway, I figured I'd just leave it until they came in the morning. Luckily, we (I share an apartment with my brother) have two bathrooms so the situation wasn't as problematic as it could have been.

The next day, a maintenance worker came in and fixed the sink in about fifteen minutes before moving on to the toilet.

After plunging the bastard to no avail, he goes and gets "the snake" to really get down in there and unclog the SOB. He goes at it with his snake (hmmm...nope I'm going to stick with that word choice) for fifteenish minutes before giving up and calling in reinforcements.

A second maintenance worker arrives to begin a two man assault on the toilet. After more dinking around, the workers decide to take the entire unit out and give me a brand new toilet. Which, hey, sweet, new toilet.

After getting through the whole rig-a-ma-roll of taking out the old toilet, and installing the new one, the maintenance guys inform me the clogging culprit was a tube of toothpaste. Yes, whoever lived in the apartment before us flushed a tube of toothpaste down the toilet.

There are ass hole moves. There are huge ass hole moves. There is tricking someone into watching two girls, one cup. And then there is flushing toothpaste down the toilet in your apartment so a future resident has to deal with it.

So congratulations previous tenant, you just raised the bar for ass holery.

The Winter Meetings

2009-12-01T22:18:00.004-06:00

Is it sad that one of my five or six favorite times of the year is the MLB winter meetings?

I say no. You say yes. We both say, huh, no wonder this guy's not getting laid. Regardless, my list of favorite times of the year (in no particular order) looks something like this:

Christmas
Twins home opener
4th of July
First days of fall
MLB postseason
First warm days of spring
First days of the year when it seems warm because it is 30 below all winter, but isn’t actually warm, but girls decide to bust out the skirts and tank tops anyway. (Also known as the end of cleavage hibernation. If the groundhog sees his shadow, we have 1 less month of cleavage. That’s how it goes, right? I always get these things messed up…)
Winter Meetings

I love the winter meetings because they are the apex of the hot stove league. There are rumors leading up to the winter meetings, and there are rumors after the winter meetings, but for those four beautiful days in December, there are more rumors than coffee mugs Grady Sizemore has stuck his penis in (of which I can only assume there are a lot).

Personally, I find the offseason almost as entertaining as the season itself – unless, of course, the Twins are trying to trade their best pitcher. Then the offseason is just long, painful, and destined to end in heartache. I spent hours refreshing my computer during the Santana saga of 2007 winter meetings. Literally hours.

There was nothing entertaining about that. Nothing.

This year, however, will be much more relaxed, because while the current Mauer contract situation is mildly disconcerting, it is not nearly as stressful as the Santana saga of 2007.

Of course, for Twins fans, the winter meetings rarely amount to anything – even the Santana saga of 2007 lasted well into January –- so we are left twiddling our thumbs. Regardless, we scrounge for rumors, and gorge on the few scraps tossed our way.

Would it be nice if the Twins actually made a few moves? Of course. But there is also a sense of letdown when a move actually happens -- kind of like opening that Christmas present you wanted more than anything. Yeah, it is nice, but the anticipation was still more exciting. The end result is one of those, “now what?” letdowns.

(For me, this was the Destro –- the G.I. Joe character who wore a silver mask all the time –- action figure I wanted more than anything for Christmas when I was sixish. The big draw was that his face mask was removable, and I was beyond pumped to see what his face actually looked like. I’m talking on the mound with an 0-2 count and three run lead in game 7 of the World Series level pumped here. Needless to say, the letdown was gigantic. All that was behind the mask was a normal looking face. Although, in hindsight, I’m not really sure exactly what I expected.)

So, whether or not rumored moves get made, I will enjoy every second of the winter meetings, because few times of the year are more exciting than the four warmest days of the MLB hot stove.

And, if we’re lucky, maybe, unlike the Santana Saga of 2007, Mauer Mania of 2009 will give us an early and pleasant end.

Still Alive

2009-11-30T20:22:00.002-06:00

Greetings all, I am coming at you live from my new apartment in St. Paul, Minnesota. I just wanted to post something quick to let everyone know I will be back from my Thanksgiving/moving hiatus tomorrow with a full post, but for now I am spent from a day of packing and moving. Although, apparently I moved out of my parents house just in time, because I learned today it is haunted. More on that later this week.

In the meantime, check out some previous posts.

Random Thoughts...

2009-11-25T23:09:00.000-06:00

...Seeing as how Thursday is Turkey Day, I am treating today as Friday and running the Random Thoughts. This also means I won't be posting anything new between now and Friday. I'm going to try and throw something up Sunday, but I am moving into a new apartment on Monday, so I may not have any new content up until Tuesday. (Was that as confusing to follow as it seemed when I was typing it?) I just thought I would pass that information on to my four readers. In the mean time, check out anything you may have missed. Like my column about the Twins bench that I inexplicably posted amidst the Mauer MVP frenzy. That, my friends, is called bad timing.

...By the way, I didn't write anything about Joe Mauer winning MVP because there has already been enough written. Also, there really isn't much to say. He was the obvious choice, and had anyone else won it would have been a travesty. Now, if Mauer doesn't re-sign this offseason, THAT I will write about. In the form of me bitching every few days.

...I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about the Saints and Vikings the other day. During this conversation he sent me a text that said, "I think the Saints are good but they haven't beat anyone and could lose a couple of their upcoming games." Interestingly enough, a Saints fan somewhere is saying the exact same thing about the Vikings.

...Apparently their is a high school in Minnesota called the Blooming Prairie Awesome Blossoms. I'd make a joke, but that would just seem like overkill.

...Here is a link to a picture of the Twins ridiculous red jerseys from 1997. Why? Because why not? That's why. Well, actually, I occasionally get the urge to go on a Google hunt for pictures of those jerseys -- I'm weird like that -- and now I have a link in one spot. Basically this is for my personal enjoyment. Feel free to enjoy it along with me.

...Being unemployed has caused me to lose all sense of time. I have no idea what day of the week it is anymore. Honestly, I have no idea what the hell is going on around me at any given time. I pretty much just sleep all day though anyway, so it probably doesn't matter all that much.

...Hot, Crazy Girlfriend Smashes XBOX. I like the simple things in life. Like when a video delivers exactly what it promises. Although, using the dude's driver seemed like overkill if you ask me. More importantly, though, did anyone else thing the girl was disproportionately attractive for the guy?

...If you watched that last video and thought it was boring, I would like you to know that I agree with you. I only posted it because I wanted to get the whole disproportionately hot thing out there. Few things are more annoying than seeing a cute girl with a guy that looks like a huge tool. Of course, in most cases -- like the one above -- the girl is probably bitch, so it kind of makes sense. Regardless, you can't tell me seeing a cute girl with a guy that looks either kind of dumpy or kind of douchey doesn't annoy you. I'm glad I got that off my chest.

...Is a bacon mug (scroll down) the worst, or greatest invention ever? I suppose it depends solely on what you put in said mug, but either way I am intrigued.

...So Jimmy Claussen got clocked in the face, eh? Shouldn't this be like a carnival game or something? Pay $1 to punch an obnoxious athlete/celebrity in the face. Who wouldn't want to do that? At the very least, they should have a game where you beat the shit out of a blowup doll or cardboard cutout of an obnoxious celebrity/athlete. I would gladly pay $1 to beat up Nick Swisher, and I don't even have any money. Those two things may or may not be related...

...I like to think my life hasn't peaked at age 22, but then I find out this site is the third most popular result when Googling "testicle groping." It is hard to imagine a scenario in life that will top this achievement. Other than moving to number one, obviously.

...If you don't watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, you should. Season 7 was one of the best seasons of a sitcom I have ever seen. Yeah, I said it.

...Is Kenny Williams actively trying to build one of the worst offences in Major League Baseball? I'm not complaining by any means, I'm just asking.

...Only 91 days until we can all stop pretending to care about football!

...Too be fair, nobody wants to look at a fat baby.

...I would gladly welcome the addition of Rich Harden to the Twins, but at some point you have to wonder about a guys durability. I'm not big on the whole "injury prone" idea, most of the time it just seems like bad luck. At some point, however, you do have to wonder if the guy doesn't condition himself very well, or if he is just a huge pansy. Neither option seems all the comforting.

...If you ask me, Thanksgiving is kind of overrated. I enjoy eating as much as the next guy, but an entire holiday dedicated to driving an hour and a halfish (for me at least) to meet up with your extended family just to have a giant meal, seems like more trouble than its worth. Plus, there hasn't been a decent Thanksgiving Day football game in like ten years. Can we stop showing the Lions every year? Please?

...With that said, I wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. Enjoy stuffing your face and don't forget to set your fantasy lineup.

Looking Down the Twins Bench

2009-11-22T21:22:00.008-06:00

What do Brendan Harris and Gene Larkin have in common?

In a perfect world, the answer would be simple: nothing (aside from having last names that sort of seem like they could be first names, but don’t completely seem like they could be first names).

The correct answer, however, is that both players were the best option off the bench for their respective Twins teams. For the 1991 Twins, this was a good thing. For the 2009 Twins, this was…well…less good.

Considering the 1991 Twins also had Randy Bush and Scott Leius/Mike Pagliarulo as potential pinch hitters, Pedro Munoz as the young-guy-who-gets-called-up-when-someone-gets-injured-because-he’s-in-our-future-plans-so-we-don’t-want-him-toiling-on-the-bench, and Al Newman as Al Newman, the bench was solid overall.

(By the way, when googling Randy Bush, I found out there is a moderately attractive French female singer of the same name. I don’t know what my point is; I just thought you should know.)

Unlike the 1991 version, the 2009 Twins bench was the furthest thing from solid. In fact, it was awful. Led by Harris – a bad hitter and even worse fielder – the 2009 Twins featured exactly zero players anyone was happy to see step in as a pinch hitter. I defy you to argue otherwise.

(If you are wondering, Nick Punto sported a better OBP than Harris, .337 to .310, while Harris sported a better SLG%, .364 to .284, for respective OPS’s (OPSi?) of .672 and .612. Translation? They both suck.)

Really, other than Carlos Gomez defensively replacing Delmon Young, there wasn’t a single guy who was an upgrade in any facet of the game over a starter. While backups are obviously on the bench for a reason, they should still have at least some value to their team. Brendan Harris, et al. did not.

Currently, the outlook for the 2010 Twins bench is equally bleak. The team looks something like this:

Lineup
Span CF
Mauer C
Morneau 1B
Cuddyer RF
Kubel DH
Hardy SS
Young LF
Valencia/Harris 3B
Punto 2B

Bench
Tolbert/Casilla IF
Harris/Valencia/Whoever IF
Pridie OF
Morales C

Other than a mix-and-match of potential infielders, there really aren’t many other options for the 2010 roster.

Anyone else longing for Roberto Kelly, Darrin Jackson, and Chip Hale right about now?

I’m going to make a bold claim, and feel fairly comfortable doing so: As it stands, the 2010 Twins will have the worst bench in franchise history.

Depressing. I know.

So how can the bench be fixed? Well, fairly simply, actually.

For starters, the Twins should non-tender Harris. Someone, please, give me one compelling reason why the Twins should retain Harris for $1ish million in arbitration. Is there one?

I mean, I guess he kind of has nice hair.

As I stated earlier, Harris is a bad hitter and an even worse fielder. Honestly, he is one of the worst infielders I have ever seen. I am not exaggerating when I say I was at game when Harris missed a ground ball he literally could have fielded by taking one step. His reaction time is that bad. If the ball isn’t hit right at him, Harris will not field it. (I don’t know if the defensive statistics back this up, because UZR and its fellow fielding statistic friends are pointless and arbitrary – although feel free to convince me otherwise if you disagree.)

$1 million couldn’t be spent on something better than Brendan Harris? Color me skeptical. Actually, color me beyond skeptical.

For example, how about Eric Hinske and Rocco Baldelli for a combined $2 million? (Based on 2009 salaries.)

Hinske and Baldelli are exact type of players the Twins are lacking (and have been for several years, for that matter).

Look out how much better a bench with Hinske and Baldelli would be:

Hinkse 1B/RF
Baldelli OF
Tolbert/Casilla/Other IF
Morales C

Signing Hinske and Baldelli would give the Twins decent left-handed and right-handed hitting options off the bench (Hinkse and Baldelli), a speed guy (mystery infielder), someone who can allow Morneau to DH occasionally without moving Cuddyer to 1B (Hinske again), and a defensive replacement for Young (Baldelli again).

Any legitimate contender needs depth, and adding Hinske and Baldellig would give the Twins just that. And, while de-starting Punto would be preferable, adding a third baseman and a pair of hitters off the bench would be enough offense to make Punto’s lack of hitting irrelevant.

So, while creating crazy fantasies about obtaining big names like Roy Halladay is fun, adding depth this offseason is just as important. And far more realistic.

Gene Larkin won the 1991 World Series, after all.

Random Thoughts...

2009-11-20T15:00:00.000-06:00

...I'm not a hockey fan. If you are one of the six people in the United States who gives a crap about the NHL, more power to you. I'm just not one of them. With that said, check out this video. Hilarious. Although, only an NHL team would resort to cheap gimmicks for higher TV ratings, but I digress.

...Part 2? Don't mind if I do.

...This is ridiculous. Retiring numbers is about a tribute to someone who did something meaningful, a la Jackie Robinson. It isn't about honoring a self-centered, egotistical, ungracious, jackass, who has no appreciation or respect for the game or his teammates. You don't retire a number across the league every time a great player comes along, because, as Jordan has proved, most great players don't earn the honor.

...How is it that Coors Light can make some of the greatest commercials ever, and every other beer company fails spectacularily? Whoever came up with the NFL coaches Coors Light commercial idea, should never have to work for the rest of his or her life. That guy/gal is a genius.

...Have you noticed there are no bands that people legitimately follow anymore? Big time groups that define a generation no longer exist. The used to be bands like the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, U2, Bruce Springsteen, etc. Bands that were unequivocally beloved, and culturally important. Now, if you look at the chart toppers, you don't see powerhouse bands anymore, just catchy song after catchy song (some of which, I'm ashamed to admit, I enjoy). Are you going to tell me people will remember Laday Gaga and the Black Eyed Peas fifty years from now? I highly doubt it. The only act with potential staying power is Taylor Swift, and as adorable as she is, she's not exactly a generation defining rock band.

...Ever since I quit my job two weeks week ago (because I'm moving to St. Paul, just wanted to mention that so I don't sound like a complete goober) I've been unemployed, living with my parents, blogging, and playing Star Wars Battlefront II on PS2. Ah, the joys of being a stereotype.

...Out of context quote of the week: "Ever since Torii [Hunter] left, I always wanted to be the one that came behind him." - Denard Span.

...Is there any mundane experience more momentarily frightening than a blown light bulb? For one split second you think,"Holy shit, what's going on? Is that an explosion? I'm going to die." Then you realize a very small light bulb just blew out and you look around to make sure nobody saw you react like Aaron Carter (Note: this is a reference to the video of Aaron Carter screaming like a girl, which is frequently shown on The Soup. I couldn't find a clip online, but if you watch The Soup you know what I am talking about. And if you don't watch The Soup, you should. So there.)

...Are there any workers in the world more surly than receptionists at a Doctor's office? They make you wait behind that stupid "for privacy reason wait here until called sign," then spend several minutes complaining to the other middle aged receptionists about menopause stories. And, when the finally call you to the window, they treat you like an ass hole for interrupting their conversation.

...In a related story, I was having a final physical for my job the other day (I worked with chemicals so my employer needed to make sure I didn't get some weird disease from drinking paint thinner and what not). As much as I hate getting a physical, I think would be even worse to be the doctor at an occupational medicine clinc. All day he just goes through blue collar worker after blue collar worker as he fondles their testicles and makes them cough. It is like an assembly line of non stop testicle groping.

...Ugh. This is going to be annoying.

...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

...Britney Spears fans are mad that she lip synced during her concert? That would be like going to a Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus concert and being mad that they are the same person. There are three things you need to know about a Britney Spears concert: 1. She is going to lip sync. 2. She isn't going to lip sync well. 3. There is a decent chance you're getting a nipple slip during the show. That's all you need to know.

...Well, luckily it tastes like shit anyway.

...Hopefully "for now" are the operative words.

...Ah, the cries of the baseball ignorant:

"In baseball, statistics permeate every aspect of the game. And they should. It's an individual sport. You are on your own. If a major league team hired a computer programmer to build a GM program over hiring an actual human being, the GM program probably wouldn't embarrass itself. It would be like the auto-pilot option in a fantasy draft. The computer believes we need a higher OBP guy who takes a ton of pitches, and it believes we can sacrifice above-average defense in an outfield spot. It recommends that we pursue Bobby Abreu. Do you even need to watch baseball anymore to have an educated opinion? It's unclear." - Bill Simmons

I'm a big Simmons fan, but it is time for him to stop trying to analyze baseball. I enjoy it when he tackles baseball from an average fans perspective, because it is entertaining, but he obviously doesn't actually understand the game. Please, Bill, go back to making jokes about the Yankees, and leave the baseball analysis to people who understand the NBA isn't actually popular. Thank You.

And with that, I bid you all adieu. Have a good weekend.

24: Smith's Redemption

2009-11-19T16:34:00.000-06:00

For beleaguered Minnesota Twins General Manager, Bill Smith, life has been rough in his short tenure at the Twins helm. After two years of questionable moves, and a disgruntled fan base, Smith knows the time has come to prove himself. The time is now for the Twins to become more than just an early exit playoff team. With the imminent move to Target Field, it is time to build a World Series champion.

December 17, 2009

The following events occur in real time…

9:07 AM

Bill Smith arrives at his office, stumbles past the boxes of bittersweet American League Central Division Champion T-shirts, and move towards the telephone. He scoops up the receiver with all the grace of Brendan Harris fielding a ground ball. His eyes furrow in a Jeter-like determination.

Smith: Michael Hill please.

(Pause)

Smith: Hi Michael it’s Bill Smith…Bill Smith…No. Bill. You know, GM of the Minnesota Twins…What? Yes I’m serious. I know I’ve only been on the job for two years now but come on…Yes I have made moves. Remember I traded Johan Santana?...Well anyway, I’m calling about Josh Johnson…Ok, I get it. Although, I think a simple no would have sufficed. What about Uggla?...Yes…I see…Interesting. Well, let me run through these proposals, and I’ll get back to you…Alright, bye.

Smith: Hey Rob, I just spoke to Michael Hill with the Marlins about Uggla.

Minnesota Twins Assistant General Manager, Rob Antony, enters the room.

Antony: I thought we decided Uggla wasn’t the best fit?

Smith: I know, but I just thought I’d cover all the bases. I’d still like to move Punto to the bench. I only gave him that $8 million contract because, well, you remember what Gardy did.

Antony: Yeah…

Smith: Speaking of Gardy, what time is it? I’m supposed to meet with him at eleven.

Antony: It’s almost ten.

Smith exits his office to meet Twins manager Ron Gardenhire at Murray’s. Everybody fucking loves Murray’s.

10:54 AM

Smith arrives at Murray’s -- the restaurant neither packed nor empty, but with just enough patrons for the buzzing of conversation to drown out all other sounds. Gardenhire is waiting.

Smith: Hey Ron.

Gardenhire: Bill, how you doing? Traffic was a pain in the ass huh? I really battled my tail off to get here.

Smith: Yeah, there is a surprising amount of traffic this morning…Well, shall we get a table? I’ve got a couple things I want to discuss with you.

Gardenhire: Ah, making progress on re-signing Cabrera? You know I’m excited as heck to get him back. We’d have some real gamers in that infield with Cabby and Nicky.

Smith: Well actually, that is what I wanted to discuss with you. I’m glad you didn’t bring Nick with you actually, because this would’ve been a little awkward. I --

Gardenhire: (Interrupting) Yeah I let Nicky sleep in this morning. Although, frankly, I’m a little surprised my alarm didn’t wake him up.

Smith: Right…well Ron, I know this is difficult for you to hear, but I’ve got some leads on a few guys, and I would like to pursue options other than Punto. I feel like he is better suited in a utility role, and I have some leads on Beltre, Polanco, Uggla, DeRosa, and Crede. I just wanted to get your thoughts on those guys.

Gardenhire: (furrowing brow) I don’t get it Bill. I just don’t get it. Nicky’s a gamer. He’s a real gamer. How are you going to deny a guy like that? He battles his tail off. I don’t like it Bill. And what about Cabrera? He can play second. You can’t tell me he can’t play second.

Smith: That just isn’t a realistic option. It doesn’t make sense financially. I don’t really see a fit there.

Gardenhire: (noticeably upset) But Nicky? Why bench Nicky? He is a ballplayer. A real ballplayer.

Smith: I know Ron, and I don’t want to get rid of Punto, I think he is a great utility man. Obviously it is still up to you how he is utilized on the field, but if I can make some moves to improve the team, I’m going to do it. I just wanted you to know I’m exploring other options.

Gardenhire: Well I ju—

Gardenhire is iterrupted by Smith's ringing cell phone.

Smith: Excuse me Ron, hold that thought.

Smith: Hello?...What? Now?...I don’t know if I can get there that fast…Jesus Rob…Well this is a huge lead, obviously…Shit, well send the coordinates to my phone and I’ll get there as soon as I can. We can’t let him get away, this could be our only chance at getting him…Well, keep me posted.

Smith: I’ve got to run Ron. Sorry.

Gardenhire: What? What’s going on?

Smith: There’s no time Ron. We’ll be in touch.

Smith lumbers out of the restaurant and jumps into his SUV. A light snow fall has begun falling, dusting the black roadways with bright white coating.

Smith races across town, the snow swirling around, as if shot from cannon. Traffic is relatively sparse, but he is hitting almost every red light. He curses to himself as he arrives at his destination – Taco Bell.

12:47 PM

Smith enters the restaurant and briefly considers ordering a cheesey gordita crunch, but decides against it when he sees Alex Anthopoulos, General Manager of the Toronto Blue Jays, across the room. The cheesey gordita crunch will have to wait.

Smith: (shaking hands with Anthopoulos) Good to see you Alex, how are you?

Anthopoulos: Doing well Bill. And yourself?

Smith: I’m good. Just hoping this snow doesn’t turn into a good old fashioned Minnesota blizzard (chuckling). Anyway, shall we get down to business? You wanted to make an offer for Halladay?

Anthopoulos: Well the Blue Jays feel your organization has the young talent necessary to make a deal. I think we can work something out here. We have a proposal for you, and I feel it is realistic starting point.

Anthopoulos slides a sheet of paper across the table. Smith takes a moment to read it over, and glances up at Anthpolous.

Smith: Well, you certainly didn’t hold back on your first offer. But Baker, Slowey, Swarzak, Valencia, and Hicks? We’re obviously not prepared to meet those kind of demands. I understand you want quality prospects in return, so I would counter with Swarzak, Duensing, Valencia, and Tyler Robertson.

Anthopolous: We’re going to need at least one out of the Blackburn, Slowey, Baker group. You’re getting the best pitcher in baseball here.

Smith: I would say that is highly debatable, Alex.

Smith pauses for a moment to size up Anthopolous. Anthopolous is carrying himself with an unearned sense of self worth. He exudes an aura of cockiness – he is holding what everyone wants and knows it. Anthopolous has the goods, and Smith needs to keep them from falling into the wrong hands.

Smith: Parting with an established starter will drastically reduce the prospects we are willing to give up. Bear in mind, we’re only guaranteed one year out of Halladay. Baker, Blackburn and Slowey have had success, and would still be under team control for several years.

Anthopolous: Well, we’re really looking for quality over quantity.

Smith: (slightly annoyed) Well, yes, that is always the goal, but I feel our package has plenty of quality. Those are some very good, young players there.

Abthopolous: (briskly) I want one of the three; you’re getting an ace here.

Smith: Well, it is hard f—

Smith is interrupted by his ringing cell phone.

Smith: Excuse me one second.

Smith takes several steps to move out of earshot. He doesn't want to compromise the negotiation by tipping his hand in any way.

Smith: What’s up Rob?...Well that’s good news, locking up Pavano makes me more willing to part with an established starter in this Halladay deal…Alright, well let me know if anything else comes up. I think I can get this deal done...alright, bye.

Smith steps back over to his seat. He stares Anthopolous down. Neither a small nor large man, Anthopolous seems almost exceptionally average. Young and determined, he has a cocky confidence about him. When he speaks, it is almost as if he is trying to prove he belongs with every word.

Smith: Alright, Alex. I will give you Baker, but if that is the case, I’m only willing to go with a three player package. That is a very good pitcher you’re getting.

Anthopolous: (smirking) Well, frankly, you’re getting the best pitcher in baseball, so I think that justifies a fairly big return. You should know how this works after the Santana deal.

Anthopolous oozes a sickening smugness.

Smith: (voice rising slightly) I still thi –

Smith is once again interrupted by his ringing cell phone

Smith: What is it Rob?...Both of them? Damnit! Our infield options are dwindling...Alright, keep me posted.

Anthopolous: Problem?

Smith: Let’s just make this deal.

Anthopolous: (sensing Smith’s slight desperation) Well, I’m going to go back to our original offer.

Smith: (curtly) That is no longer an option.

Anthopolous: (smirking) You can’t stop this from happening.

Smith: (standing and yelling) Damnit! I’m running out of patience, and you’re running out of time! I need an answer! You have no choice here! There is only one way out of this!

Anthopolous sizes Smith up with a glance and begins to show his first signs of doubt. Smith seems like a man possessed, unwilling to concede.

Smith: (continuing to yell) Baker, Swarzak, Valencia, and Robertson. That is my final offer, and I suggest you take it!

Anthopolous stares back at Smith with a cold, empty look.

Smith: (pounding the table) I need an answer!

Anthopoulos: (quietly) Fine, deal.

Smith storms out of the Taco Bell without saying another word.

Arriving back at his office, where Antony is waiting for him, Smith takes a seat at his desk. Still reeling from his encounter with Anthopoulos, Smith maintains a level of intensity, but has cooled off since the Taco Bell incident. Smith smiles, almost devishliy, as if he had stolen Anthopoulos's smugness, and kept it for himself. The Twins have control of Halladay, avoiding potential disaster.

3:09 PM

Smith: Well Rob, we got Halladay. Things are really starting to come together.

Antony: That is great news! We really lucked out on the timing of finishing that Pavano deal; made it easier to deal Baker. How do you want to proceed from here?

Smith: Well, I think knowing now that Polanco and DeRosa have signed elsewhere, we’re getting low on options. After bringing Halladay into the mix, I think retaining Punto is the most realistic option at second. We can absorb his offense hitting ninth.

Antony: Well Gardy will certainly be happy about that. What are you thinking at third?

Smith: Where are we at on Beltre? We can absorb a one, maybe two, year contract if he is willing to go that route.

Anotony: I spoke to Boras earlier today, and he wants the two year deal at $7 million per year.
Smith: We can handle that, let’s just get it done. Call him back and accept the deal.

Smith pauses for a moment and rubs his weary eyes.

Smith: I’ll tell you what, though, Rob; if we hadn’t signed Mauer to that big contract last week, I don’t think we could have done any of this.

Antony: We really pulled something off here today, Bill. Things are looking good.

Smith: And look at the time. Not even four o’clock yet. W saved the Twins, and it took 1/3 the time it takes that Jack Bauer to save the world.

Both men chuckle heartily.

3:49 PM

Turning the Page

2009-11-16T21:08:00.003-06:00

I have been avoiding writing about the Twins this offseason.

Ironically enough, I started this site as place to write predominantly about the Twins, with a smattering of other topics along the way; which makes it all that much more amazing that my vision has gone awry so quickly.

I think I have avoided the Twins because, quite frankly, I didn’t really like the 2009 Twins – comparatively speaking, of course. I found myself saying on several occasions during the 2009 season “This is the least fun I have ever had watching a Twins team.” And that included the Ron Coomer years.

The worst about 2009, though? The Twins team I knew had no chance of winning, and had written off in June, sucked me back in come September – even with their 6-9 hitters being Delmon Young, Jose Morales, Matt Tolbert, and Nick Punto.

And while it was fun, let’s face it, that team had no real chance of winning the World Series.

After a month without Twins baseball, however, I think I am finally ready to return to a Twins-centric frame of mind. The hot stove, after all, is in some ways more fun than the season itself. I mean, who doesn’t love drumming up their own crazy Roy Halladay trade proposals?

With that said, I am turning the page on the 2009 Twins, and moving on to 2010. Here’s to hoping 2009 is the last time we have to accept the “little engine that could” mentality and build a team that isn’t content with being just good enough.

Can the Vikings Out Duel the Wolves?

2009-11-15T20:12:00.008-06:00

A friend of mine made the following proposition the other day: The Minnesota Vikings will win more games (including playoffs) this year than the Minnesota Timberwolves. My first inclination was to call him a fucking moron. After analyzing the teams’ records (Vikings 8-1, Timberwolves 1-10) and future opponents, I came to three conclusions:

1. The Vikings are good.

2. The Timberwolves are bad.

3. My friend is, in fact, a fucking moron (and he is certainly drinking the Kool-Aid).

Assuming the Vikings win the rest of their regular season games and the Super Bowl, they will end with 18 wins. If you account for more plausible scenarios, the Vikings will likely end in the 13-16 total win range. Personally, I’d set the over/under at 15.

The Timberwolves are currently on pace for about 8 wins (well, technically 7.36, but whose counting?). Now I am aware that the Timberwolves are bad; terrible, in fact, but I’m pretty sure they aren’t the worst team in NBA history.

(Disclaimer: I have watched exactly 0 minutes and 0 seconds of Timberwolves basketball this year – twice as much as last year – so I am basing this on almost nothing other than watching a few of Johnny Flynn’s Syracuse games, knowing Al Jefferson is at least decent, and realizing Kevin Love is hurt right now, but will be back at some point.)

I just find it hard to believe that with so many bad teams in the NBA, the Timberwolves can’t eek out 15-20 wins. When two terrible teams play each other someone has to win, right?

By the way, does anybody actually watch/care about the Timberwolves? If you are going to follow a Minnesota basketball team, wouldn’t you just watch the Gophers? The Gophers actually somewhat good, plus you get to bet on whether Royce White will have more steals on the court, or off. If you’re telling me the Gophers season won’t be more interesting than the Timberwolves, then I’m calling you a liar. But I digress…

The Vikings vs. Timberwolves win total battle boils down to whether you think the Vikings will win the Super Bowl. If they do not, which odds are they won’t, they will amass at most 17 wins, and likely less.

It isn’t that I don’t think the Vikings are good, they certainly are. I just don’t think the Vikings are great. I have three major problems with the Vikings, and coincidentally (or not) all three are directly related to Brad Childress.

1. The Vikings are sloppy.

Now, the Vikings have actually been better this year at not taking stupid penalties than they have in the past, but on field discipline has always been an issue under Childress. Take this week’s Lions game for example: The Vikings had 13 penalties. 13 Penalties! Against the Lions! Coming off a bye! Exclamation point!

Do you think the Belichick led Patriots would have 13 penalties coming off a bye? Or the Dungy led Colts? Or the Cowher led Steelers? I’ll even add the Tomlin led Steelers to this list because it still pisses me off the Vikings let Tomlin leave in favor of Chilly.

Giving up 13 penalties shows a lack of discipline and focus, especially coming off a bye week. When a team has extra rest and is playing arguably the worst team in football, it is the coach’s job to keep the players focused. Childress failed to do so.

2. The Vikings can't put teams away.

Combined record of Vikings opponents: 22-39.

Number of one win teams the Vikings have played: 4 (Lions twice).

Number of teams over .500 the Vikings have played: 3 (Packers twice – but let’s be honest, the Packers aren’t actually good.)

Number of times the Vikings have beat an opponent by over two touchdowns: Twice

Number of stats listed before this listing shtick got annoying: One.

Point being, the Vikings aren’t playing good teams, and, yet, in almost every game their opponent has hung around. In fact, if it wasn’t for the Favre miracle, or the Ravens missed field goal, the Vikings would be 6-3. With two wins against the Packers, they would still be in relatively good shape in the division, but they would be nowhere near the “best team in the league” conversation.

With that said, a wins a win, and the Vikings are 8-1, not 6-3. Every good team needs luck, and I acknowledge that. Come January, however, the Vikings rinky-dink, dick-around-when-leading offense isn’t going to work. If you play field position by running nothing but draws and screens on third and long against playoff teams, instead of trying to put them away, I promise it will come back to bite you; which leads me to my next point…

3. The Vikings have bad play calling, especially with the lead.

There is something to be said for not making mistakes – obviously. But there is also something to be said for playing to win, instead of playing not to lose.

When the Vikings get up by ten or more, they play not to lose. This approach may work against the Lions, Rams, and Browns, but against the Saints or Cardinals – teams with big time offenses – you have to play to win. You have to go for the jugular when you get the lead.

Remember two years ago when the Patriots went 16-0? They didn’t run draws and screens. Hell, I don’t think they even had draws in the playbook. Now, obviously, that offense was special, and the circumstance was a little different than the Vikings, but the theory is the same. Get a lead, put a team away. Bury them. If you let a good team hang around, they will eventually come up with a big play. That’s just how it works.

This brings us back to the proposition: Vikings vs. Timberwolves. Even if you assume the Timberwolves will win less than 20 games (which is a bold claim in and of itself) you are stating “I believe the Brad Childress led Vikings can win the Super Bowl.”

That, my friend, is a bold proclamation. And one, I certainly cannot in good conscience make.

Random Thoughts...

2009-11-13T14:00:00.000-06:00

...Why would an 11 year old even want to be on Facebook? They don't understand how to use the damn thing. We all know the only thing Facebook is good for is creeping people's pictures, and I'm pretty sure 11-year-olds are far too busy sexting to worry about Facebook pictures.

...So I was in the bathroom of a bar on Sunday night (yes, I was in a bar on a Sunday night, stay focused) and I had the following exchange with a guy:

Random Guy: Do you wear khaki pants?
Me: Ummm...Yeah sometimes.
Random Guy: I've got some for sale. $10.
Me: I'm good. (Insert me quickly leaving the bathroom).

I guess my point is, if you get anything out of this blog, just remember to never buy khaki pants from some dude in a bathroom. That is the best advice I can give you. That, or maybe just don't go to a bar on a Sunday night. Either or.

...Giggle

...Chuckle

...Snicker

...Chortle

...Alright I'm done. But ha! It is still funny almost a week later.

...Vodka is one of the worst inventions ever. How can anybody enjoy drinking it? Disgusting. Are we sure vodka isn't actually just rubbing alcohol? Doesn't this seem like a very real possibility?

...I hate Fantasy Football. It is so damn frustrating. I lost this week by 8 points because Roddy White and LaDainian crapped the bed. I expected White to struggle because he wasn't 100% healthy, but I'm so sick of Tomlinson sucking every week (not to mention being a whiny little bastard). The worst part is, I picked DeAngelo Williams in round one, and was beyond ecstatic when Tomlinson fell to me in round two (which I stand by being absolutley ridiculous, the people in this league are morons) but now Tomlinson sucks and I am 5-4 and currently just outside the playoffs in 5th place. Ugh.

...Oh, and I would have won this week if I had started Julius Jones. But that would also require starting Julius Jones.

...I enjoyed Carlos Gomez's quirkiness as much as anybody. He's odd. The fact, however, that fans loved him so much was a little ridiculous. He isn't good. He just isn't. He is a headcase who is obviously very athletic and full of potential, but he barely even showed glimpses of reaching said potential. I'll sort of miss his shenanigans, but not his play. His interviews though? Those I will definitely miss.

...Quick tip for everyone: Make sure you wash the inside of your windshield every once in awhile. I couldn't see very well out of my windshield for like a year, and couldn't figure out why. Then I Windexed my windshield. Turns out there was so much dust and shit on there that it was like trying to look through a sliding shower door. Not fun. (As a side note, I don't have some odd infatuation with my windshield. It is just a coincidence I commented on windshield related matters two weeks in a row. Odds are, I will never speak of my windshield again on this site.)

...So I receive promotional emails from Amazon every couple of days trying to sell me crap (yes, I realize I can cancel this feature, but I like getting book suggestions - even though I never end up reading them). A couple of days ago I received an email telling me, "As someone who has shown an interest in horses, you might like to know that you can now subscribe to Horse Illustrated magazine for just $5.00 after an instant $5.00 rebate."

I don't even like horses. I don't think I've ever shown interest in the creatures. I bought Seabiscuit, but that was just because it is supposed to be a really good book, not because I want to read about a horse. Quite frankly, I'm surprised that Horse Illustrated even exists. Then again, $5 for a a magazine subscription is a pretty sweet deal. Maybe I should consider it...

...Ha, suck it rest of the United States. Minnesota is the fifth happieset state in the country. And how can you argue with something as technical as a "well being score"? Exactly. You can't. Maybe being fake nice really is the best way to go.

...Daytime television is awful. Like really awful. It pretty much just consists of soap operas, crappy talk shows, infomercials, and debt management commercials. I suppose this makes sense because if you are unemployed and buying 40 sets of steak knives off infomercials, you are probably going to need someone to manage your debt. Or you could just go on Let's Make a Deal hosted by the one and only Wayne Brady. I know, who knew, right? Ah the joys of

...Could Carrie Prejean be more stuck up? I mean, wow, that's Larry King you're talking to. LARRY KING! Also she has some of the craziest crazy eyes this side of Kelly Anne on the Real World Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins.

...I went to college at the University of Minnesota Duluth. Now, if you have ever been to Duluth, you know that it is a very nice city with very shitty roads, and fairly poor restaurant selection. Since I graduated in May, apparently Duluth has decided to start fixing all the roads and building restaurants like Buffalo Wild Wings and Five Guys. Thanks, Duluth. I appreciate it.

...I got a Ken Griffey Jr. shirzee (t shirt + jersey = shirzee) for a gift when i was 12ish. The shirzee did not fit me at the time so I stuck it in a drawer and never wore it. While writing my piece about Griffey, I remembered that I owned the shirzee and dug it out of my drawer. I popped it on and realized it now fits (a little snug in the sleeves, but all the better to show off my rippling muscles). I think I am more excited to wear the shirzee now, then I would have been back then. It's like getting a free t shirt - one that you would actually want to wear.

...You know what is disgusting? When people slurp their food. I don't care if you're eating soup, cereal, or a delicious, juicy fruit. Stop slurping. It is disgusting. I had a college roommate who slurped pretty much everything he ate. He slurped hamburger helper. How the fuck do you slurp hamburger helper? Drives me insane. So for the love of god; people, please stop slurping your food. It is disgusting and rude.

...You know what else is disgusting? Wallpaper. Obviously not in the same sense as food slurping, but wallpaper almost always looks tacky and lame. If you are thinking of putting up wallpaper in your house, just paint instead. It looks better. Bet you didn't expect to get interior decorating advice on this site did you?

...I'm an English major so I enjoyed this...Of course I'm also a nerd.

...Really? 2012 will rock my world? A cliched, John Cusack led, apocolyptic thriller is going to rock my world? Color me skeptical...

...I'm going to end with my link of the week. Whether I ever do this again remains to be seen, but, hey, I'm going to roll with it for today. Check out Sporcle if you have time to kill. Just know, if you have an addictive personality you will be there for hours. Enjoy.

The Forgotten Superstar

2009-11-12T21:44:00.011-06:00

Remember 1997? Spice Girls. Titanic. The Simpsons (back when it was still good). And Ken Griffey Jr.

Ok, so maybe Griffey wasn’t a pop culture icon like Baby Spice, Leo, or Homer J(ay), but he was the unquestioned king of baseball.

He hit home runs. He made great plays. He smiled. He had fun playing. We had fun watching.

Griffey was the type of superstar professional sports yearn for. Yes, he was a little cocky with his home run strut, but what star athlete isn’t?

Griffey had a presence.

Fast forward 12 years and Griffey is no longer the player was. He is a shell of his former self, hitting .214 in partial duty, carrying a little extra weight on his once perfectly trim, athletic frame, and no longer making those Griffey signature plays.

One can justifiably argue that the Mariners made a poor choice bringing Griffey back, now in the Mays-like twilight of his career, but you can’t really blame them either. How do you say no to Ken Griffey Jr.? How do you turn him away? And more importantly, why would you want to?

It is in the best interest of the game of baseball to have Griffey around.

Not because Griffey sells tickets. He no longer does.

Not because Griffey will be breaking Hank Aaron’s home run record; a record, that Griffey once seemed destined for. He no longer will.

Not even because Griffey is a particularly productive player. He no longer is.

But because Ken Griffey Jr. is a symbol of what is right in baseball, when almost everything else seems to be going wrong.

Griffey, the once proud king of a baseball era soaked under a storm cloud of steroid suspicion, has remained dry. While Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Rafael Palmeiro, Alex Rodriguez, Roger Clemens and countless others have faced acquisitions, congressional hearings, and perjury trials, Griffey has continued his career, devoid of suspicion.

While the sizes of McGwire, Sosa, and Bonds biceps, heads, and home run numbers grew, Griffey’s legs gave out. While the stats of McGwire, Sosa, and Bonds got better with age, Griffey’s began declining.

As sad as it is to see a superstar fade, there are few sights more comforting this day in age.

When Griffey first began his Major League career in 1989 he was already anointed “the chosen one.” He was a number one draft choice and the son of Major League player. He was a five tool player with a star attitude and star play. He was destined for greatness.

Griffey’s good-but-not-great rookie campaign was followed by a steady rise to the top. His batting average climbed. His power numbers climbed. His on base percentage climbed. He was on his way to being the best and most beloved player in the game.

Griffey’s breakout year came in 1993 at the age of 23. Where most 23 year old players – even top prospects – are either toiling away in the minors or just getting their break, Griffey was already in his fifth major league season, and ready to take over the league. His breakout year of 1993 featured 40 home runs, a .309 batting average, and an OPS of 1.025.

Over the next six years Griffey took over the baseball world. He became the most popular, and arguably best, player in the game. He did it all (including capture the adoration of a boy in Minnesota, who turned his bedroom into a Ken Griffey Jr. shrine).

Griffey was the best.

Following the 1999 season, however, everything changed. Griffey wanted out of Seattle. He demanded a trade, with a short list of acceptable destinations; number one being his hometown of Cincinnati.

Griffey made the move to a seemingly perfect situation: a smaller ballpark, in his hometown, on team that seemed ready to compete.

Griffey, however, faltered slightly in 2000 (although not as much as history may lead you to believe). He still hit 40 homers and drove in 100 runs, but it didn’t seem the same. Griffey was 30 years old, and with 12 big league season already behind him, seemed on the decline.

The next seven years in Cincinnati were disastrous. Griffey suffered through injury after injury; playing in more than 130 games only once – at the age of 37. The once great Griffey was reduced to an afterthought.

While Barry Bonds, the player Griffey was most compared to, was breaking records and performing at what seemed an impossible level for a man near 40, Griffey was nursing injuries, slowing down, and losing bat speed. Griffey was playing like an aging Major Leaguer.

He plodded along, never again reaching 40 home runs. Never making the playoffs (until a late season trade to the White Sox in 2008). Never playing like the superstar we all loved to watch in the nineties. The old Griffey was gone, and as sad as it was, it seemed oddly right.

So here we are in 2009. In a time when steroid scandals are commonplace and everyone tries to find the bad in baseball, Griffey represents the good.

We seem to forget he is fifth on the all time home run list with 630. We forget, because unlike the abusers before him, he isn’t getting better with age. He is taking the career path a superstar should. He is now the past-his-prime veteran, showing nothing but glimpses of his old self.

Griffey is lost in the steroid shuffle.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was at a Twins game this past season when Griffey hit a home run right into the center of a “hit it here to win $25,000 from Subway” sign – the first, and only, time a player hit said sign in the Metrodome. (Nobody won the $25,000 because apparently it didn’t count if an opposing player hit the sign, which is completely ridiculous. How cheap can Subway be? I mean come on. We weren’t eating fresh enough, or what?)

The home run was a special moment, because you could still see a glimpse of that sweet Griffey swing. So still and perfect, smooth like a perfectly mixed cocktail – the smooth crisp cola, with just enough whiskey kick.

Those moments are few and far between now, and I, like any good baseball fan should, will treasure them, because once Griffey is gone, it will close the book on an era.

Maybe it is fitting that Griffey is the last to go, since he is the one we should celebrate the most.

Griffey, the forgotten superstar, is the one we should remember, from an era we want to forget.

2009 Free Agent Predictions

2009-11-11T16:23:00.008-06:00

So my brother and I have an annual game of predicting offseason moves. We pick a list of free agents/trade targets for the offseason and guess where they will sign. I'm going to go ahead and throw my picks up on here, that way when I fail, I don't just do so privately, but publicly. Feel free to play along in the comments section.

Anyhoo, here are my predictions for where certain playres will end up, and what kind of contract they will receive:

Matt Holliday - Mets 8 yrs/$120 million

John Lackey - Mets 6 yrs/$90 million

Jason Bay - Red Sox 7 yrs/$100 million

Randy Wolf - Mets 3 yrs/$30 million

Andy Pettite - Yankees 1 yr/$10 million

Jose Valverde - Phillies 2 yrs/$17 million

Marco Scutaro - Red Sox 3 yrs/$15 million

Adrian Beltre - Twins 1 yr/$7 million

Rich Harden - Mariners 1 yr/$8 million

Mike Cameron - Yankees 2 yrs/$20 million

Orlando Hudson - Mets 3 yrs/$13 million

Miguel Tejada - Pirates 1 yr/$5 million

Vlad Guerrero - Athletics 2 yrs/$10 million

Jon Garland - Brewers 1 yr/$4 million

Carl Pavano - Twins 2 yrs/$12 million

Brad Penney - Giants 2 yrs/$8 million

Erik Bedard - Dodgers 1 yr/$7 million

Hideki Matsui - Yankees 2 yrs/$20 million

Jarrod Washburn - Twins 1 yr/$5 million

Billy Wagner - Red Sox 1 yr/$3.5 million

John Smoltz - Retire

Jermaine Dye - Giants 2 yrs/$13 million

Mark DeRosa - Phillies 2 yrs/$14 million

Orlando Cabrera - Blue Jays 2 yrs/$12 million

Jim Thome - Orioles 1 yr/$4 million

Xavier Nady - Cardinals 1 yr/$1 million

Roy Halladay - Blue Jays 1 yr/$15.75 million

Jason Marquis - Nationals 3 yrs/$30 million

Ben Sheets - Rangers 1 yr/$6 million

Driving to the Core of Minnesota Nice

2009-11-10T16:31:00.002-06:00

I’m a good driver.

I have never been in an accident. I’ve never received a speeding ticket. I’ve never even been pulled over. I’m attentive. I give other drivers distance. Other than taking occasional liberties with the speed limit, I obey the rules of the road.

I, however, am a rare treat on the roads of Minnesota. The drivers are terrible. Awful. Horrible. Painful. And worst of all, ass holes.

The other day I was driving on the freeway during rush hour; which, naturally, required slowing down from time to time. Per usual, the guy behind me was riding my ass, and when forced to hit my breaks because of the slowing cavalcade of cars, he had to slam on his brakes to avoid rear ending me. He then worked his way into the other lane for the sole purpose of swearing at me (which of course I couldn’t hear through our two vehicles) and flicking me off. Typical.

Now I’ve travelled a fair amount, and am well aware there is road rage everywhere. It may not even be worse in Minnesota than anywhere else. Minnesota road rage, though, is sneaky bad because of one little misnomer: Minnesota nice.
Minnesota nice doesn’t exist.

That isn’t to say that people in Minnesota are meaner than anywhere else, they just aren’t necessarily nicer. People seem to be confusing politeness with niceness.
A Minnesotan will answer a question politely, and act nice to a person’s face, but then immediately follow that up by saying something behind that person’s back. A quick judgmental decision.

Conversely, someone from, say, New York or Boston will tell you to fuck off right to your face.

Now, you can argue which one of those things is “nicer,” but neither occurrence is particularly friendly, if you ask me.

This brings me back to Minnesota drivers. Nowhere does a Minnesotan show their true colors like they do in their car.

Minnesotans speed. They tailgate. They ignore traffic laws. They curse. They road rage. They act selfishly. Minnesotans do all this because they are in the cocoon of their car, impervious to the rest of the world. They feel safe to act this way because you aren’t in the car with them, and they don’t have to worry about being judged.

Even as they drive past you cursing and flicking you off, they feel the anonymity between two separate stage coaches, and the comfort of being inside their own. Ironically, should you meet the cursing stranger at a gas station up the road, that very same person would offer you directions without hesitation, “Just head up nort there, then. Ya know?”

(As a side note: we really do sound like William H. Macy in Fargo. Seriously. If you are from Minnesota, listen closely to a fellow Minnesotan speak. Just stop and listen for the little Minnesota-isms from an as-objective-as-possible point of view. I guarantee you notice it.)

Now, one can argue the meaning of the word “nice,” obviously. It is a mostly subjective term. But, really, Minnesotans are no friendlier than any other group of people.

If you disagree, just take to the Minnesota roads and see how the people act in the comfort of their own car.

Bring on the Doc

2009-11-09T20:03:00.004-06:00

The Twins need an ace. They unequivocally need a pitcher who can go out every fifth day and shut a team down. They need a pitcher with a Jack Morris mentality. A guy who says, “Give me the ball and I will win this game.”

The Twins need Roy Halladay.

Obviously, every team wants a pitcher of Halladay’s caliber, but the Twins actually have the pieces to make a deal. Odds are they won’t do it, because Bill Smith and company won’t want to give up young talent. The fact is, however, dealing for Halladay is the one thing they absolutely should do.

Think for a minute how many potential starting pitchers the Twins have on their roster: Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, Nick Blackburn, Brian Duensing, Jeff Manship, Francisco Liriano, Glenn Perkins, Boof Bonser, and Anthony Swarzak.

Some of those pitching options are better than others, but they are still options. Couple that with the seemingly mutual interest between the Twins and Carl Pavano, and you have ten starting pitchers to choose from.

Even if you assume Perkins will be gone because of his prima donna AWOL routine, and assume Bonser will be in the bullpen, that still leaves nine potential starting pitchers (eight excluding Pavano); each one being young, full of potential and, no matter how minimally, Major League experienced. Most teams would kill for that kind
of pitching depth.

And what do you do with depth? Trade it.

Not all of it, obviously, but if it takes two or three pitchers to get Hallday, so be it.

Instead of throwing out the spare parts trades most baseball fans love to dream up, let’s look at a realistic trade scenario for both the Twins and the Blue Jays.

The Twins should start by offering one out of their three most established Major League pitchers (Baker, Blackburn, Slowey). Obviously these guys have each proven they can pitch in the Majors, and while hard to part with, they would become expendable if Halladay joined the mix – especially if Pavano is re-signed. Couple the aforementioned established pitcher with a few young arms, and you have a nearly unmatchable package.

Here is my hypothetical trade:

Twins get: Halladay

Blue Jays get: Baker, Duensing, Swarzak, and Danny Valencia

From the Twins point of view, they get the ace they need to be a legitimate World Series contender.

From the Blue jays point of view, they get an established 15 win pitcher in Baker, two young pitchers who have had at least some Major League success, and a future third baseman. (Really, though, I just want the Twins to get rid of Valencia now, while he has some value. Because if Danny Valencia is the answer at third, I can’t imagine what the question is. Who is the next Scott Leius, possibly?)

If Baker, Duensing, Swarzak, and Valencia aren’t enough, I would even be willing to trade either Aaron Hicks or Ben Revere (in lieu of one of the other four). Either way, the Blue Jays have to be able to find an acceptable deal somewhere in the slew of prospects listed above.

The Blue Jays are pretty much in the identical situation the Twins were in with Johan Santana two years ago: Trade him now or let him walk later.

Somewhat ironically, the Twins are theoretically in position to make a sort of reverse Santana trade, and by trading Gomez they have basically admitted the Santana deal was a bust. So why not pull the complete 180 (or I guess kind of a 360 in this case…) and pull the trigger for Roy Halladay?

The fact is, Halladay is exactly what the Twins need, and the Twins have the pieces to do it.

Plus, what could be better than cheering for a guy named “Doc” 35 games a year?